at wits end with in laws. haven't even been married a year!

[Anonymous]

Hi again all OP here, wanted to clarify the timing for pp, I dated my now husband for 7 years (6 dating 1 engaged) before we were married and we have now been married about 8 months! Sorry I made that confusing. Thank you again everyone for your supportive and wonderful advice!

[Anonymous]

OP, my inlaws are similar. It's awful and almost every argument I have had with my husband somehow involves his mother. You are SO lucky that your husband recognizes what is going on. I think this fact alone makes your situation completely manageable. When I am with my MIL I am just very quiet and if she says something I don't like I act like I didn't hear her or need to walk away for some reason. Not sure about yours but my MIL is extremely passive aggressive and I don't ever show that she is getting to me. I had a big fight with her years ago where I told her that the way she treats her son is disgusting, etc. but it got me nowhere. The best approach is to just ignore her. Good luck, I know it sucks.

[Anonymous]

OMG what were they like during wedding planning and at your wedding??? Nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Why couldn't you go to the brunch and hike you had reservations for? I wasn't clear in that. Not excusing their behavior, I just don't understand this point. I would have gone anyway.

+1

I would never go back. If DH wants to see them, he can go by himself.

[Anonymous]

In terms of the last post, I will agree that you need to point out the dynamics of how your INLAWs treat your husband to him and chat with him about does he want his own children to have to see that kind of treatment and hear that kind of nasty, negative bashing talk??? It sounds like your DH has just made due by ignoring them, but the time has come to take a stand. Do you understand his relationship, if any, with his brother? Are they rivals - or is it just the toxic parents? Could it help to just invite BIL down to your home or to meet at some neutral point for a weekend. The parents seem to revel in the discord they have set up between their sons so why not take it away.

Also, very important to set your own house rules about respect for both of you etc. before children arrive and the INLAWS start doing the same in your home and their own home. One of my daughters has this issue with her INLAWS, and unfortunately she will not take them treating her husband, but comes back with a cutting crack that just gets the cycle going again when she can't do what her therapist has said meaning go out when they are there or go to bed early. They are extremely demeaning to their son who is the nicest fellow, but in his case an only child. Also MIL in particular knows well our daughter has extreme anxiety and is a cancer survivor, too, who works hard to keep her health in balance with two youngsters in early elementary school. It just infuriates me, but little I can do. So I do agree to address it now with DH and if he does not set boundaries with his folks, maybe couple's therapy on the point would be of assistance. After 7 years of hearing about the OUTLAWS, I can tell you that you will not change them, but rather how you and DH deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a nasty, nasty, nasty MIL. And if I were to give an advice to my younger childless self, I'd suggest getting a divorce. I throwing it out there, because it's not going to get better, only worse. Think about it.

Worst advice ever. OP should divorce her husband because his sick parents like to play nasty mind games - and OP and her DH both know it and are on the same team? I'll say it again: worst advice ever. Some of you people are ridiculously quick to tell total strangers to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Being on the same page with your DH is key here. Also, you want to be a soft spot for him to maybe express how hard this all is for him. Mainly, you want to let him express some negative feelings about his parents without piling on, because then he might get defensive. It's a tricky line to walk, but really important. Once you can get him talking about how his parent's being so mean to him really makes him feel, you can decide on a game plan. However, if he doesn't really see it as a huge problem, then you work on your own game plan. The best advice I've seen above was to treat them like annoying co-workers. They are people you must keep the peace with for short amounts of time, but there does not need to be any intimacy in your relationship with them. Limit contact, if possible, and lower expectation dramatically...

Good luck. They sound horrid.

[Anonymous]

I haven't spoken with ILs for 15 years. Luckily DH got a job 2500 miles away. If we didn't move, we wouldn't be married for 20 years now.

It makes things MUCH easier not caring a single lick about them and their drama. It's up to DH to plan and buy plane tickets for him (and him only) to visit, call, send gifts etc...

[Anonymous]

OP ~ decide how much of them you want to see. Once a month? Whatever it is (and it doesn't have to be much), put it on the calendar, know you can leave early, don't expect it to be fun or emotionally satisfying. Decline all other offers to get together. Take charge. If you take charge, see them on your terms, and don't have any expectations - they can't hurt you.

If your husband doesn't agree, he can go alone.

[Anonymous]

Thank goodness your husband is with you on this!
Gives me hope you can survive his parents without a divorce.

As for the parents, seriously limit contact. They seem toxic to the last degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a nasty, nasty, nasty MIL. And if I were to give an advice to my younger childless self, I'd suggest getting a divorce. I throwing it out there, because it's not going to get better, only worse. Think about it.

Says someone who sees marriage as disposable, and doesn't value commitment or loyalty. Would you give the same advice to a man - to just toss his wife away because he didn't like her mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a nasty, nasty, nasty MIL. And if I were to give an advice to my younger childless self, I'd suggest getting a divorce. I throwing it out there, because it's not going to get better, only worse. Think about it.

Worst advice ever. OP should divorce her husband because his sick parents like to play nasty mind games - and OP and her DH both know it and are on the same team? I'll say it again: worst advice ever. Some of you people are ridiculously quick to tell total strangers to divorce.

+1

OP, you need to spend less time with them, and make sure whatever time you decide upon is limited in length of time. i.e.: if you see them for a holiday, make it so you arrive at a certain time, and agree to leave at a certain time. Never stay with them.

My MIL is toxic, and goes on about SIL, as if SIL (and by association, SIL's DH and DC) is the second coming of Christ. Ditto whomever just got married - always "the most beautiful bride I have ever seen" - even if she barely knows them, and even if they are not remotely....well, you get the point. Its comical. We laugh about it the whole way home.

As PP mentioned about the wedding - my MIL was a pill, and only set the stage for her future behavior. Frankly, her sour grapes has nothing to do with me, but her own perception of her own crappy life. Not my problem.

Don't let your MIL's nastiness get in the way of your happiness. Ever.