at wits end with in laws. haven't even been married a year!

[Anonymous]

My in laws are rude, and I have never meshed well with them. We went this weekend to visit and they spent the entire time talking about my husbands brother. Every time we tried to mention something we were up to or ask them about their selves we got looks of stone cold annoyance and then subject change back to their favorite child. My MIL has also started this super fun thing where she says something super offensive but then follows it with "just kidding!" And an evil cackle.

They are so negative and only like drama. I also think this is very strange but they met my best friend recently for about an hour, and she was talked about literally every 20 mins. How she was their favorite, how she is sonskinny and attractive and is she happy in her marriage and how I need to bring her to visit asap. It was a little creepy. It was as if they wanted to rub how much they liked her in my face..but I know how awesome she is..she's been my best friend for 20 years now. Wtf.

It takes a better part of a day to drive to them, so to waste all that time to get treated like shit isn't really fun for me anymore. My husband is hurt and angry. I'm sick of seeing them crush him emotionally. I'm also sick of having to deal with their nastiness. All they do is talk crap about family members. If someone is doing something positive, they get made fun of. I'm kinda just done. Its been years of this. when did you decide to either cut and run or try to give your in laws one more chance??

The icing on the cake was our Sunday brunch plans and hike getting canceled in lieu of brother in law deciding last minute to come up to visit also. They literally put a bowl of cereal down with directions home and said to visit soon. We had brunch reservations and had dressed for breakfast. We got kicked out so they could take their other child to brunch and out for the day. Just venting I guess..help!

[Anonymous]

Why do you spend time with them? They suck! Limit it to at most once a year. Where do they live? Can you plan trips that involve seeing them but then going off and spending a couple of days doing something fun and vacationy as a reward? Ex. if they live in northern NJ, you could build in a couple of nights in NYC when you're done with them.

[Anonymous]

What PP said, stat.

[Anonymous]

Wow. What pp said. Limit time with them. Your husband needs to consider therapy if he's not already in therapy. He needs to work through a childhood with them. Must have been something.

As for the comparisons with your best friend. They were doing that on purpose the way they were favoring the brother over both of you. Toxic.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is just like this! FIL is okay though. DH is just starting to notice...

[Anonymous]

My DH was in your situation with me. He noticed some major red flags during our engagement and when we visited my parents a few months after our wedding - controlling, compared me and my sister, etc.

Talk to him and ask if he noticed any of these things. With the cereal-map-brother thing: if he brushes it off as "Oh, those silly parents of mine!" then ask more questions. Asking him questions will require him to give an answer and confront things he may have stuffed down because he never wanted to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Wait. Why couldn't you go to the brunch and hike you had reservations for? I wasn't clear in that. Not excusing their behavior, I just don't understand this point. I would have gone anyway.

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys for your advice and help. It makes me feel better to know I'm definitely not the only one dealing with this out there. To answer pp about the brunch and hike, we were visiting them at their place for the weekend and they invited us to go to brunch and a hike on Sunday. When we got up in the morning, they just gave us cereal and showed us the door. We don't live in the area so we just got on the road to head home. Apparently when BIL said he was coming, they wanted to take him out and didn't want us there anymore..

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. How could you be enduring this for years (read your op) if you have been married less than a year? Clarify or I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What pp said. Limit time with them. Your husband needs to consider therapy if he's not already in therapy. He needs to work through a childhood with them. Must have been something.

As for the comparisons with your best friend. They were doing that on purpose the way they were favoring the brother over both of you. Toxic.

+1000 Favoring plans with the BIL and kicking you and your DH out would be a game changer for me. Lucky for you that your DH is on the same page as you--often, the DH defends his family members.

They are embarrassingly toxic; I can't imagine what your ride home was like after being told to leave early. You and DH don't deserve that nonsense. Like the PP said, limit visits to once a year or less and reward yourself with a side trip or something nice for enduring the hell that visiting those snakes is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. How could you be enduring this for years (read your op) if you have been married less than a year? Clarify or I call troll.

Maybe they were like this while she was still dating DH.

Either way, OP this is very clear cut, they don't like you, they don't respect you. ANd if you have kids they are only going to push your buttons even more. Build a life without seeing them more than you really have to.

[Anonymous]

Here is my advice ( I too have a similar situation that I have to deal with):

1) Don't react
2) When they say something about the brother, agree with them and say something even MORE gushing about the brother. Keep doing that.
3) Don't spend more than a day at a time with them.
4) This is most important - expectations - once you're prepared for the rudeness, it's not a shock anymore. Laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

pp here - one more thing - DO NOT cut off contact with them. Unless it's your husband's choice.

[Anonymous]

You can cut and run when you're divorced.

OP, I would think of them as annoying work colleagues. You need to remain polite and not cause any undue stress for your DH.

It's nice that they liked your friend, so try to see the positive in them. It's too bad that they drop everything for your husband's sibling, but since you know what to expect, it's easy to keep expectations low.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a nasty, nasty, nasty MIL. And if I were to give an advice to my younger childless self, I'd suggest getting a divorce. I throwing it out there, because it's not going to get better, only worse. Think about it.