Why is Divorce so Hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard for me. I have kids, we are from different countries. I am very unhappy. still, we can't make the step. We keep going to therapy. DH seems to have faith in it, but then he kind of goes with the flow. I tell him we are not getting anywhere, he says we are working on it.
I am very sad today. Very lonely always.

The only one that can make you happy is you. Your husband can't do it, a divorce won't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard for me. I have kids, we are from different countries. I am very unhappy. still, we can't make the step. We keep going to therapy. DH seems to have faith in it, but then he kind of goes with the flow. I tell him we are not getting anywhere, he says we are working on it.
I am very sad today. Very lonely always.

The only one that can make you happy is you. Your husband can't do it, a divorce won't do it.

WTF? Did I say this? Believe me, with all the therapy I have done, if I have learned something, this is it.
Don't need snarkies to come and state the obvious, not today.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is hard because it should not happen. Two people enter into a contract between themselves, and in most cases God to remain together through good times and bad. Breaking that contract is an admission of failure. It is further compounded by the fact that the self serving needs of the parents to separate, rather than working out their differences, trumps the children's needs for a stable, loving environment with two parents setting role model of marriage and family. (despite whatever anyone says, divorce is not the best outcome for children, the statistics and studies are irrefutable on this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because divorce represents a bunch of things rolled up into one. It's the public admission that you're no longer in love with the person you swore yourself to forever. It's acknowledgment of a failure in your personal life. It's a blow to your ego that someone doesn't want you enough to change/be the old person/not cheat/work through the cheating/whatever. It's the dissolution of your life with someone else. It's the uncertainty of your (and your kids') future. It's change.
Divorce is so many things happening at once. No matter how long you beat around the bush to get to it, it still hurts and causes anguish when you finally arrive at it. But...you will get through it and over it.

This is a very good answer. I remember my mom divorcing her second husband. They fought miserably, it was for the best. But the day we moved out I caught her opening the fridge door in our new house and crying into the fridge so we wouldn't see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is hard because it should not happen. Two people enter into a contract between themselves, and in most cases God to remain together through good times and bad. Breaking that contract is an admission of failure. It is further compounded by the fact that the self serving needs of the parents to separate, rather than working out their differences, trumps the children's needs for a stable, loving environment with two parents setting role model of marriage and family. (despite whatever anyone says, divorce is not the best outcome for children, the statistics and studies are irrefutable on this).

Please stick to talking about your own shoes until you've walked a mile in mine. It's not always this simple and judgment like this doesn't help anyone, kids included. Be thankful that you've never been in a situation where you've had no choice but to divorce for the good of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, the court made it hard by dragging it out for a year.They were either off to vacation though were were schedule to appear or too busy to get it all done at once.We had nothing to fight about, but took still a year to get the divorce.
Getting rid of the idiot not hard at all.

Hmmm...I believe you that it was dragged out, but I don't know anyone with kids who got through the courts in MD in less than a year. My lawyer specifically said that I had to be separated a full year before a judge would grant an absolute divorce. So, I think a year may be SOP. Maybe to give you time to change your mind or figure out what custody really works (vs. what you think in the heat of separating you want/is good for the kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I want the divorce and DW does not. Life with DW has become untenable but she does not see it this way. She says I am betraying my kids by wanting divorce, but I can no longer live with DW who is not only unsupportive, but outright hostile to me on a daily basis, poisons the atmosphere of the marriage and will not see her responsibility for the bad state of things. For her, I am the evil one.

You are the evil one, but she doesn't want you to leave (divorce). Riiight. Dude, I have an ex-gf like this; for your children's sake, if not your own, GTFO now. DTMFA. Your kids deserve to spend at least half their time in a sane stable, non-manipulative environment, if not more. Good luck.

Oh, and if you're the poor schmuck who started dating my ex like a couple of weeks after she told me she couldn't stand to live without me, and then married her like the second the ink was dry on your divorce from the woman you were married to when I my ex put the spell on you: I'm sorry. I would've warned you but you wouldn't have believed me. Did you not get a load of her mother? Don't feel bad, I ignored all these warning signs too.

Still: DTMFA, for the sake of the kids.

Sorry, but this is hysterically funny.

Okay I laughed too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is hard because it should not happen. Two people enter into a contract between themselves, and in most cases God to remain together through good times and bad. Breaking that contract is an admission of failure. It is further compounded by the fact that the self serving needs of the parents to separate, rather than working out their differences, trumps the children's needs for a stable, loving environment with two parents setting role model of marriage and family. (despite whatever anyone says, divorce is not the best outcome for children, the statistics and studies are irrefutable on this).

Please stick to talking about your own shoes until you've walked a mile in mine. It's not always this simple and judgment like this doesn't help anyone, kids included. Be thankful that you've never been in a situation where you've had no choice but to divorce for the good of your kids.

Amen. Especially when your therapist keeps pointing out all the ways your spouse's abusive behavior is teaching them it is ok and what they should expect in their own spouses. Staying together is NOT always best for the kids, especially if an abusive, mentally I'll or addicted person doesn't want to work on their issues. Sometimes you have to pick up the kids and go despite the feeling of failure and the lack of understanding why the other person won't get help they so obviously need. These are never easy decisions and can take years to reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is hard because it should not happen. Two people enter into a contract between themselves, and in most cases God to remain together through good times and bad. Breaking that contract is an admission of failure. It is further compounded by the fact that the self serving needs of the parents to separate, rather than working out their differences, trumps the children's needs for a stable, loving environment with two parents setting role model of marriage and family. (despite whatever anyone says, divorce is not the best outcome for children, the statistics and studies are irrefutable on this).

Please stick to talking about your own shoes until you've walked a mile in mine. It's not always this simple and judgment like this doesn't help anyone, kids included. Be thankful that you've never been in a situation where you've had no choice but to divorce for the good of your kids.

Amen. Especially when your therapist keeps pointing out all the ways your spouse's abusive behavior is teaching them it is ok and what they should expect in their own spouses. Staying together is NOT always best for the kids, especially if an abusive, mentally I'll or addicted person doesn't want to work on their issues. Sometimes you have to pick up the kids and go despite the feeling of failure and the lack of understanding why the other person won't get help they so obviously need. These are never easy decisions and can take years to reach.

That may be true in abusive, mentally ill, or addicted situations, but those are not the majority of cases. In other situations, divorce is an admission of failure and breaking of a sacred contract. Despite what you would like to believe, the statistics (google children of divorced/broken homes) show overwhelmingly that children of broken homes are much more likely to end up in jail, addicted, or divorced themselves. Those are the facts. Parents owe there children the best opportunity to grow up in a well balance home with two loving parents. Work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is hard because it should not happen. Two people enter into a contract between themselves, and in most cases God to remain together through good times and bad. Breaking that contract is an admission of failure. It is further compounded by the fact that the self serving needs of the parents to separate, rather than working out their differences, trumps the children's needs for a stable, loving environment with two parents setting role model of marriage and family. (despite whatever anyone says, divorce is not the best outcome for children, the statistics and studies are irrefutable on this).

Please stick to talking about your own shoes until you've walked a mile in mine. It's not always this simple and judgment like this doesn't help anyone, kids included. Be thankful that you've never been in a situation where you've had no choice but to divorce for the good of your kids.

I say this because my marriage was tested by a cheating spouse. For the sake our our children and our vow to work through good and bad times we worked through this test, and found the ability to forgive and move on. It was not as easy as divorce, but it gave our children and our relationship a chance to heal. I am glad that we were mature enough to realize that the entire family is affected, not just us. Too many selfish people choose to throw away their marriages rather than find common ground. Again, there is no refuting the statistics of children of broken homes and the damage a separate causes them.

[Anonymous]

Um, I think you can refute statistics. Have you ever studied statistics? Look beyond the headlines about children of divorce and you'll see many subgroups. A child whose parents divorced because one parent went to jail is very different than a child whose parents divorced as amicably as possible and created two stable homes. Not easy not painless ... but why do I get the sense it is the same one person always posting about the undeniable evils of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I think you can refute statistics. Have you ever studied statistics? Look beyond the headlines about children of divorce and you'll see many subgroups. A child whose parents divorced because one parent went to jail is very different than a child whose parents divorced as amicably as possible and created two stable homes. Not easy not painless ... but why do I get the sense it is the same one person always posting about the undeniable evils of divorce.

http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/1999/06/broken-families-rob-children-of-their-chances-for-future-prosperity

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1348624/Children-broken-homes-likely-suicidal-thoughts.html

http://davidsortino.blogs.pressdemocrat.com/10217/the-impact-of-broken-homes-on-learning-potential/

http://fatherhood.about.com/od/fathersrights/a/Statistics-On-Children-Of-Divorce-In-America.htm

I was a math major and took advanced statistics in graduate school. So yes on that. You are right, there are outliers in every statistical sample, but over time, the rule of large numbers will govern. Sorry the facts do not support you desired reality.

[Anonymous]

When does the obligation to make it work for the kids' sake end? At age 18? 22? Do you owe it to your grand kids to remain married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When does the obligation to make it work for the kids' sake end? At age 18? 22? Do you owe it to your grand kids to remain married?

Did you take a vow?

[Anonymous]

I see divorce as an amputation of a limb. Two people become one for ever at marriage, and that can not be changed- just like you are one with your arm and leg. But sometimes, you need to cut that infected cancerous arm off or risk poisoning the whole body. It can be life-saving but it is very painful.