my preteen niece is in a locked psychiatric ward - what can I do

[Anonymous]

I recovered from an eating disorder. this is my thought on what you can do.

if your sibling or the family has any triggering aspect you need to talk to them about laying off if you can. sometimes they won't even listen to professionals or don't realize their contribution.
yes, there are genetics, but also:
it can be the parents that push perfection, parents that make kids feel they aren't good enough, parents that push food issues, parents that push control. these all make the anxiety and need to cope with drastic measures like cutting all the worse.

help them recognize what they can do to lay off. many teens and tweens will be released home only to parents that unknowingly play a large role in making a disorder worse. they can be parents with the best intentions. I guarantee you there is some family dynamic making it worse. you can recognize this better than maybe even a professional.
your niece is in the thick of it, so she probably isn't even old enough or clear enough to articulate.

that's where I think you can help. I would also make sure they monitor internet use. there is a dark world there for girls with these issues. it is not supportive, but keeps them in it.

[Anonymous]

[Post New]06/04/2014 11:22 Very bad advice. It would be highly inappropriate for op to criticize or correct her siblings parenting at this time.

Op, you need to rein in your desire to rush in and help until you better understand your prejudices against mental illness. It generally isn't self caused. If you do get involved use your actions to help not your words. Your words will get you in trouble and have potential to do harm. Your actions, like offering to take over drop offs/picks up at activities for other children, or providing a meal are the quiet kind of support people in distress often appreciate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: [Post New]06/04/2014 11:22 Very bad advice. It would be highly inappropriate for op to criticize or correct her siblings parenting at this time.

Your actions, like offering to take over drop offs/picks up at activities for other children, or providing a meal are the quiet kind of support people in distress often appreciate.

This. Think of it as any other type of serious illness/accident/medical emergency. What your sib needs is help with the everyday things so she/he can deal with the crisis. Grocery shopping, childcare, errands, pick up/drop off other kids for activities, going over and cleaning up or doing dishes/laundry, cutting the grass, etc. If you can help keep the household going, then things will be easier when your niece is able to return home.

In the meantime, educate yourself about eating disorders so you know what to do or not to do to support your niece as well as her family.

With all the family drama we read about on DCUM, its nice to hear about someone who wants to go all out and help the family.

[Anonymous]

Spend time with the sibling. The niece is getting a LOT of attention right now for negative behavior. Throw the younger sib some love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [Post New]06/04/2014 11:22 Very bad advice. It would be highly inappropriate for op to criticize or correct her siblings parenting at this time.

Your actions, like offering to take over drop offs/picks up at activities for other children, or providing a meal are the quiet kind of support people in distress often appreciate.

This. Think of it as any other type of serious illness/accident/medical emergency. What your sib needs is help with the everyday things so she/he can deal with the crisis. Grocery shopping, childcare, errands, pick up/drop off other kids for activities, going over and cleaning up or doing dishes/laundry, cutting the grass, etc. If you can help keep the household going, then things will be easier when your niece is able to return home.

In the meantime, educate yourself about eating disorders so you know what to do or not to do to support your niece as well as her family.

With all the family drama we read about on DCUM, its nice to hear about someone who wants to go all out and help the family.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [Post New]06/04/2014 11:22 Very bad advice. It would be highly inappropriate for op to criticize or correct her siblings parenting at this time.

Your actions, like offering to take over drop offs/picks up at activities for other children, or providing a meal are the quiet kind of support people in distress often appreciate.

This. Think of it as any other type of serious illness/accident/medical emergency. What your sib needs is help with the everyday things so she/he can deal with the crisis. Grocery shopping, childcare, errands, pick up/drop off other kids for activities, going over and cleaning up or doing dishes/laundry, cutting the grass, etc. If you can help keep the household going, then things will be easier when your niece is able to return home.

In the meantime, educate yourself about eating disorders so you know what to do or not to do to support your niece as well as her family.

With all the family drama we read about on DCUM, its nice to hear about someone who wants to go all out and help the family.

Agree with this advice. BTW, the day we checked dd into a mental hospital was the worst day of my life - but it turned out to be one of the best things we ever did. It was like therapy bootcamp and was the beginning of the family changing for the better. Dd had many struggles through her adolescence so not everything after that was kittens and rainbows (I wish) but this experience provided a very important foundation for her as she faced other challenges later on. So, help with chores. Listen when someone wants to talk. Try to understand what is going on. Don't try to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the students I have had who were hospitalized for mental illness, extended family usually can't visit during the initial days or even weeks. She may not even have access to mail or social media because of the potential triggers..

This is my experience as well. Only parents have been allowed to visit. Hopefully this will be a positive turning point for your niece. Sometimes an experience like this does turn things around or gets people on the right path to treatment. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Listen and love. Try to say very little and make it clear you're listening. If you're on the phone, don't try to multi task. It feels awful when your world is falling down around you and the caring person on the other end of a phone call is viewing you as something to get checked off their list as they clean, straighten etc.

Your sib is blessed to have someone like you in his/her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [Post New]06/04/2014 11:22 Very bad advice. It would be highly inappropriate for op to criticize or correct her siblings parenting at this time.

Your actions, like offering to take over drop offs/picks up at activities for other children, or providing a meal are the quiet kind of support people in distress often appreciate.

This. Think of it as any other type of serious illness/accident/medical emergency. What your sib needs is help with the everyday things so she/he can deal with the crisis. Grocery shopping, childcare, errands, pick up/drop off other kids for activities, going over and cleaning up or doing dishes/laundry, cutting the grass, etc. If you can help keep the household going, then things will be easier when your niece is able to return home.

In the meantime, educate yourself about eating disorders so you know what to do or not to do to support your niece as well as her family.

With all the family drama we read about on DCUM, its nice to hear about someone who wants to go all out and help the family.

Agree with this advice. BTW, the day we checked dd into a mental hospital was the worst day of my life - but it turned out to be one of the best things we ever did. It was like therapy bootcamp and was the beginning of the family changing for the better. Dd had many struggles through her adolescence so not everything after that was kittens and rainbows (I wish) but this experience provided a very important foundation for her as she faced other challenges later on. So, help with chores. Listen when someone wants to talk. Try to understand what is going on. Don't try to fix.

Hugs to you pp. Such good advice.

[Anonymous]

Been there too. DS spent a week in at age 8. He has other issues, but mental health issues run in our family. The healthiest people with it are those who recognize it and get treatment.

I agree with PP's who say to help behind the scenes. Take younger sibling out for a fun activity. Go over with groceries, stock the fridge with basics, clean up the kitchen. Hire a cleaning lady for a 1-time clean or do it yourself. Change the bedsheets, clean out the litter box. Take the dog for a nice long walk.

We were barely holding the rest of life together; the hospital was 1 1/2 hours away and we also had to work some. Having someone give sibling emotional attention is super helpful.

I'm also a tough type of chick, but I have anxiety and it's beyond my control. It's a chemical imbalance that I was born with. Medication helps, but you also need to do therapy and fix your life so that you remove triggers. Your niece has a medical problem that manifests itself with certain behaviors. Part of the treatment IS actually pulling herself up, but that's something she has to figure out how to do, probably with meds and a lot of therapy.

You're a good relative and you clearly mean well. Just work hard to put aside your own biases (we all have them) -- you already know that's one of the things your niece is nervous about.

[Anonymous]

Tell your sil and niece that they can count on you and your silence. Tell them that you know this is their story to tell and not yours. Ask them to be sure to include you in any info you need about what they are telling the family so that you can keep this confidence, too.

Then help free your sister up from the day-to-day. And don't judge.

You can also offer to take your neice to appointments when her mom can't.

[Anonymous]

I'm scared - she's not even a teenager yet, which makes me think my sibling is in for a long, unpleasant ride, not to mention the suffering of my poor niece. I'm also more of a pull yourself together kind of person - there is no history of mental illness in our family, so we're tough love, deal with it, move on kind of people, if that makes sense. I don't want to inadvertently say something that's impossible (you're depressed? what do you have to be depressed about? go outside and get some sunshine!). Any words of wisdom?

Yikes! They do not put a preteen in the hospital for no reason. Its clear you have no understanding of mental illness -- it is a disease, especially in children. Substitute "dying from breast cancer" in your thoughts before you speak. And with your level of understanding, maybe some space would be the best thing. Sorry! I get it you do not understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would really talk with the family about the child's wanting to "hide" the disorder. While there are real issues about whom and how to tell, it's hard to feel better when one is ashamed to have a disorder. No one who gets hospitalized for a skull fracture wants to hide it.

In consultation with the family, it can really help for you to convey to the child that you know about the hospitalization and her illness and don't think any differently about her than if she were fighting another chronic illness. Then show over time thru your behavior that you mean that.

OP you are NOT a doctor. The above advice is presumptuous and over bearing. Don't, just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen and love. Try to say very little and make it clear you're listening. If you're on the phone, don't try to multi task. It feels awful when your world is falling down around you and the caring person on the other end of a phone call is viewing you as something to get checked off their list as they clean, straighten etc.

Your sib is blessed to have someone like you in his/her life.

+100 Not talking but just listening is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would really talk with the family about the child's wanting to "hide" the disorder. While there are real issues about whom and how to tell, it's hard to feel better when one is ashamed to have a disorder. No one who gets hospitalized for a skull fracture wants to hide it.

In consultation with the family, it can really help for you to convey to the child that you know about the hospitalization and her illness and don't think any differently about her than if she were fighting another chronic illness. Then show over time thru your behavior that you mean that.

OP you are NOT a doctor. The above advice is presumptuous and over bearing. Don't, just don't.

I am original poster of this comment to OP. I speak as a family member with a spouse and mother in law with serious mental illness. The most destructive thing that happened in our family was not the illness itself but the insistence on hiding the illness. This desire to hide the illness was in part the desire of the MI person, but it was a choice the MI person made which was influenced by the secretive way informed family members handled things. The implicit message was -- this is shameful, don't tell. While, as I said in my previous post, the issues about whom and when to tell are serious ones, silence and secret keeping is really not a healthy option long term. I would have been overjoyed if several of the more extended family members would have spoken openly and unashamedly about the illness within the family, of course, only in consultation with those nearest to the MI person (i.e. spouse or parents). Instead it was hidden and thus treated as something to be shameful about. This made the problem worse, not better. It cut all of us off from support from the extended family and made us hide a key aspect of what was going on in our lives.

No one would have insisted that we behave like this (i.e. hiding the illness) if my spouse had had a major heart attack instead of a manic episode. I would have been very happy if all siblings and relatives knew and treated the manic depression like any other chronic illness -- empathizing and offering appropriate support.

It is not presumptuous or overbearing to say, "Hey Sis, I'm really worried that niece feels ashamed to tell anyone what's going on. Have you talked to her Pdoc about this? Of course, I won't tell anyone, but I hope you know that I certainly don't think Niece has anything to be ashamed of. Whenever you think it's appropriate, I'd love to see her or send her a card."

OP needs to get connected to NAMI and take the Family to Family course (also good for the parents of OP's niece).