my preteen niece is in a locked psychiatric ward - what can I do

[Anonymous]

Got a call from my sibling last night. Niece is suffering from some sort of eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and has been cutting herself. She's been in hospital for almost a week, expected to be discharged soon, maybe. Sibling was unclear on details. They are medicating her, and sibling said there seems to be some sort of "hard wiring" for mental health issues (I took this to mean chemical imbalances).

I asked sibling if I could visit and he said niece doesn't want anyone to know she is there and begged my sibling not to tell extended family. Sibling is going to ask her again if she wants visitors.

I've offered to clear my calendar for sibling, anything they need just ask, etc. There is a younger child in the family, and I've offered anything they need.

What else can I do? What should I do?

I'm scared - she's not even a teenager yet, which makes me think my sibling is in for a long, unpleasant ride, not to mention the suffering of my poor niece. I'm also more of a pull yourself together kind of person - there is no history of mental illness in our family, so we're tough love, deal with it, move on kind of people, if that makes sense. I don't want to inadvertently say something that's impossible (you're depressed? what do you have to be depressed about? go outside and get some sunshine!). Any words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I hope your niece feels better soon.

Since mental illness isn't something you are familiar with or comfortable talking about, try this thought experiment before you say or write something: insert the disease cancer in for depression, and see if your thought is still okay to say out loud. "Its really time you got over your cancer." Nope, not okay. "We are tough love people in my family, no one has cancer." Nope. "I love you, and hope I can help you through the cancer." Yup.

[Anonymous]

PP here...if you think it is too dramatic to substitute "cancer," try "diabetes" or "a skull fracture" or "celiac disease" You get it. Something that we all know is beyond someone's control to just get over. You are a good sister and aunt to care this much to reach out! All the best to your family.

[Anonymous]

Based on the students I have had who were hospitalized for mental illness, extended family usually can't visit during the initial days or even weeks. She may not even have access to mail or social media because of the potential triggers.

See what you can do for the younger child. Siblings are often suffering silently.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. My best friend suffered from an eating disorder and cutting for most of her life. Your sibling is going to need lots and lots of support as this will not be the first time your niece will need treatment.

[Anonymous]

My daughter spent a week in a similar facility due to a suicide attempt and cutting. She looks back on it now a few years later as a positive turning point in her treatment. During that week they are likely stabilizing her on some medication and creating a post-facility treatment / discharge plan to arm her with some better coping skills. I remember driving behind the ambulance to drop her off there crying. Just a horrible feeling. BUT, she needed to be there at that time and it contributed to her long-term healing.

It is heartbreaking to think of our kids in these situations, but if she is well cared for by professionals, even if its a place that might not be "enjoyable" it may be a place where she is able to grow and learn a little bit enough to stabilize her.

As far as being tough love, deal with it, well, I'm kind of that way too, BUT, not everyone is wired that way and you have to recognize that, which it sounds like you do.

This is a challenging time for your sibling and this may not be a problem with a quick or easy fix. This may be a challenge that persists for many years and ebbs and flows as it gets worse and better or it may improve gradually.

Just be there for them, take it one step at a time. Try reflective listening - listen without judgement or offering too many solutions - the trouble is, sometimes there aren't any.

You are a good sibling to reach out to find ways to support them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would really talk with the family about the child's wanting to "hide" the disorder. While there are real issues about whom and how to tell, it's hard to feel better when one is ashamed to have a disorder. No one who gets hospitalized for a skull fracture wants to hide it.

In consultation with the family, it can really help for you to convey to the child that you know about the hospitalization and her illness and don't think any differently about her than if she were fighting another chronic illness. Then show over time thru your behavior that you mean that.

[Anonymous]

Your niece's wishes need to be honored. Her team will help her decide when it's right to let other people know what's going on. She is dealing with so much right now!

Offer to do what you can for your sibling and his family. They may not need you to do anything directly related to your niece. Helping out with the other kids, taking over a meal, or even just understanding that right now their daughter has to be their priority will go a long way.

I had a friend go through this with her DD a couple of years ago. There are still days that are rough but things are much better.
I'm sorry this is happening and I hope the time in the hospital is the first step to your niece's healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would really talk with the family about the child's wanting to "hide" the disorder. While there are real issues about whom and how to tell, it's hard to feel better when one is ashamed to have a disorder. No one who gets hospitalized for a skull fracture wants to hide it.

In consultation with the family, it can really help for you to convey to the child that you know about the hospitalization and her illness and don't think any differently about her than if she were fighting another chronic illness. Then show over time thru your behavior that you mean that.

10:09 here; while I agree with the sentiments, I don't think this is helpful or really OP's place. This is the kind of thing that will add pressure and not support at this time.

Its likely the family may come around to this, but I just don't think the week of hospitalization is the time to bring this up. OP's sibling can reinforce that she is a safe place and willing not to push to discuss details but volunteer time with the daughter. I know we chose not to have our daughter be unsupervised in the immediate aftermath - OP can volunteer to come to the house, spend time, watch movies, etc, just generally be a presence.

[Anonymous]

Good advice from PPs, OP. I would only add that it would probably be helpful to your sibling if you continue to serve as a sounding board and sympathetic ear. Your sibling must be devastated/anxious/feeling helpless, so just being able to say those things to a safe, non-judgmental person can be a huge help.

So sorry, OP, and I hope your niece gets the support she needs to heal.

[Anonymous]

Send your niece a letter via her parents or the hospital letting her know that you love her and your feelings have not changed. Tell her she has your support and love and you are behind her 100% and can't wait to see her when she is ready.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT break your sibling's confidence and tell your niece you know she's been in the hospital. She's a pre-teen, and likely extremely self-conscious. That may be part of what landed her in the hospital in the first place, so tread very cautiously, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT break your sibling's confidence and tell your niece you know she's been in the hospital. She's a pre-teen, and likely extremely self-conscious. That may be part of what landed her in the hospital in the first place, so tread very cautiously, OP.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got a call from my sibling last night. Niece is suffering from some sort of eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and has been cutting herself. She's been in hospital for almost a week, expected to be discharged soon, maybe. Sibling was unclear on details. They are medicating her, and sibling said there seems to be some sort of "hard wiring" for mental health issues (I took this to mean chemical imbalances).

I asked sibling if I could visit and he said niece doesn't want anyone to know she is there and begged my sibling not to tell extended family. Sibling is going to ask her again if she wants visitors.

I've offered to clear my calendar for sibling, anything they need just ask, etc. There is a younger child in the family, and I've offered anything they need.

What else can I do? What should I do?

I'm scared - she's not even a teenager yet, which makes me think my sibling is in for a long, unpleasant ride, not to mention the suffering of my poor niece. I'm also more of a pull yourself together kind of person - there is no history of mental illness in our family, so we're tough love, deal with it, move on kind of people, if that makes sense. I don't want to inadvertently say something that's impossible (you're depressed? what do you have to be depressed about? go outside and get some sunshine!). Any words of wisdom?

You mean except for delusion?

Snarky comments aside - yes OP, there is a history of mental illness in your family. Whether it was acknowledged and dealt with is another story of course. "Tough Love" is often a code in families for "don't embarrass us by having "mental problems". Hide it and suffer in silence."

Honestly, for your sibling and niece's sake. Stay away from them both right now. Let them deal with the situation and getting the help they need. Your attitude is only going to hurt and hinder the process. Your niece doesn't need "tough love" and these aren't really issues you deal with on a one time basis, get over and then move on to everything being sunshine and roses. It's a process and it takes a long time.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your sibling just called you because she needed to get it off her chest and needed emotional support. I can tell that you want to do something concrete but you really need to just let them be for the moment. Email/text/call your sister to let her know you care but don't reach out to your niece. You can show her later how much you care (hopefully after you have educated yourself a bit - and I am not trying to be snarky). Your heart is in the right place but you need to take a step back and follow your sister's lead. Finally, respect their privacy -- don't tell anyone else in the family. They will share when/if they are ready.