My husband just revealed to me that his dad is an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic codependent behavior. They can't control the drunk, so they care very deeply about controlling how tge family looks to outsiders. They want people to think everything is just fine. It's not.

Al-anon might be very helpful to you, definitely for your us and if you think you can get him there.

+1

I was married to the son of an alcoholic and alcoholism damages everyone.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier, but wanted to check that. Memory and learning about your father in laws drinking, you have learned a lot about your husband. He has survived trauma and shame, and has come out the other side of it has a good, responsible man. I know you want to work things out quickly and to try to fix this problem. Please, though, give your husband some time. It took me over two years to tell a therapist that my dad was an alcoholic the entire time I was growing up. During the session that I finally told her, I told her that one sentence and then cried for an hour. At the time I told my therapist, I was almost a decade into a successful career, and was happily engaged. Nonetheless, I felt extraordinary shame for quite some time, followed by a relief, finally. Please don't reach your husband, and know how difficult this may be for him. For me, it was an almost instinctual feeling that I had failed to protect a secret I had been raised to protect since before I could even speak. I felt wrong, shamed, and like a failure when I disclosed my dad's addiction. I realize this is wholly irrational, but I am not at all alone in these feelings, I now realize.

I hope you and he are able to work things out. I am sure this will be very difficult. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

When I married my DH he told me his parent was an alcoholic. This had been going on since his childhood but since the parent didn't start drinking until 5pm every night after work it was just normal for them. It became a huge issue in our marriage when we had children. His siblings were fine with the parent watching the kids because that was what they were use to and the other parent would be around. Not me. I put my foot down and said alcoholic grandparent will never watch my kids and by the way DH you had better take a hard look at your own drinking behavior. Well of course I am the boat rocker in the family because I am the only one not in denial. Well the siblings woke up when the alcoholic grandparent dropped the baby while babysitting. Baby was ok but denial in a family is very powerful. My DH and siblings tried to get the alcoholic parent help but that did not go over well. By that age they are a lost cause. Just concentrate on keeping your own family with your DH and kids intact. Do not let this ruin your family. You and your DH should concentrate on your own behavior with alcohol and really educate your children about the dangers of alcohol.

[Anonymous]

My husband drinks socially. He and his sister are almost too good. I can't begin to imagine what they went through. He is such a wonderful man and partner and a devoted father. I want to be there for him. My husband isn't really into counseling. He doesn't like to talk about negative things in general. He is always positive and upbeat. It's all making sense to me. The wires thing: my family owns a bar.

[Anonymous]

My husband broke down crying. He was raised to overcompensate. Apparently his dad drank heavily and was asked to retire rather than be fired right before we started dating. My husband's mom had a horrible medical scare and his dad cut back on his drinking. However he never quit. Now that his mom is better heathwise, his dad has begun drinking in excess. To be honest, the dad seemed drink to me as he was withdrawn, depressed, extremely antisocial a d quiet to the point of concern. He was always incredibly irritable and would snap. It's all starting to make sense. I'm the type of person who finds therapy cathartic but my husband is very private and reserved. Getting him to go to it or a support group will be next to impossible.

[Anonymous]

Op- your husband finally told you, it took a lot for him to do that. If you go against his wishes and spread his 'secret`around, you are going to make him wish he hadn't told you. It isn't your job to fix your FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm worried about alcoholism being genetic. I'm worried about the fact that my husband thinks it's okay to keep secrets. I'm worried that my husband is asking me to keep this secret, which is blatantly obvious to most people. I also am worried that my husband would use our son as a pawn to coerce his dad into getting help. I think our son should have a relationship with his grandfather, even if he is sick and can't be left alone with him. I don't agree in giving my FIL an ultimatum or cutting him off from our kids. Seriously I'm wondering why my husband kept this from me and why he is asking me to cover it up. I also think his dad is the only person who can get help. I don't know what to do. If you have an alcoholic family member, how do you encourage them to get help without being coercive or judgmental? How do I talk to my husband about this secret and regain his trust? I've never had anyone lie to me about something like this. I also think burying your hand in the sand and wishing the problem away won't help his dad or the family.

How about having a bit of worry for the man you married? From what you describe, I am sure he is incredibly embarrassed, shamed and downright mortified. He managing growing up in a home where you were talked to cover up critical problems on a daily basis. Imagine thinking the drinking was your fault, that if anyone found out your parents would be ashamed and your entire family would be shamed. Imagine wanting nothing more than to be in denial about all of it. I am sure that there is something wrong and brutal and each of our pasts that we really, really don't want anyone to know. It could be a rape, physical violence, a family member with an addiction, or many other things.

Of course it would have been better had your husband told you about all of this sooner. But, in addition to perhaps being an enabler, he has been a victim of this his entire life. I hear all of your concerns, but would suggest that you be gentle with your husband. You say he is a terrific guy, and that you cannot believe he didn't tell you this. That probably reflects how hard this is for him, and I don't think reflects that you need to worry about other secrets. Hi all means trying to work with him and come up with a workable solution. But know that this never probably men's quite deep and maybe much more horrible for him then you an adventure.

+1000

[Anonymous]

let your dh sil and mil determine how they want to handle your fil. you may not agree but its their decision to make.
i would be upset that my dh could have kept something from me for so long. i would talk to him about it. agree a marriage counslet might be good for helping the two of you separate the two issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband is the child of an alcoholic, and he's perpetuating decades of training/indoctrination/shame/guilt/codependency/pain/covering up etc...

I HIGHLY recommend a counselor or some ACOA meetings for you and your husband. You can figure this out.

Try not to take it too personally, with issues like this your husband is responding/managing it far more like the child was raised in this environment than like the rational mature adult you married. It isn't conscious and these are very hard patterns to change.

I grew up w/ a father with raging alcohol, drug, and violence issues. It is a lifelong battle for me to overcome what I was taught, so I feel for your husband. I'm not excusing it, you have every right to be upset, I'm just trying to help explain why he might have much less ability to be the man you know him to be with this particular part of his life.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic codependent behavior. They can't control the drunk, so they care very deeply about controlling how tge family looks to outsiders. They want people to think everything is just fine. It's not.

Al-anon might be very helpful to you, definitely for your us and if you think you can get him there.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and completely agree.

Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

Please go easy on your husband. I agree with others here who said to focus on your marriage and immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband drinks socially. He and his sister are almost too good. I can't begin to imagine what they went through. He is such a wonderful man and partner and a devoted father. I want to be there for him. My husband isn't really into counseling. He doesn't like to talk about negative things in general. He is always positive and upbeat. It's all making sense to me. The wires thing: my family owns a bar.

You realize this is a coping mechanism, right? I don't doubt your DH is positive and upbeat but what he really is is resilient. But, this revelation may be the bomb that shatters the walls he's erected. I know I, and others in this forum, had significant struggles after we had kids of our own. Watching my kids, remembering myself at the same age, imagining my kids having my kid of childhood was very traumatizing - yet I couldn't help myself. As much as I hated it, I knew I needed to come to some sort of acceptance and I needed help to do it rather than just bury it again. If your DH is resistant, tell him it's for you, not for him. That would be true. You need to understand how his childhood has affected him and how you can ensure your kids don't grow up the same way or fall prey to alcoholism or other self-medicating behaviors. There's a huge genetic suseptibility but not an inevitability,

[Anonymous]

All you can do is take care of you and control your behaviors (and advocate for your children). Go to counseling and learn. Your husband sounds pretty reasonable and maybe with time, he'll consider getting help to.

As a child of an alcoholic (with lots of family history, too) not everyone becomes an alcoholic. People are complex and it is not as simple as "passing it down."

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married, five minutes, because alcoholics are easy to spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic codependent behavior. They can't control the drunk, so they care very deeply about controlling how tge family looks to outsiders. They want people to think everything is just fine. It's not.

Al-anon might be very helpful to you, definitely for your us and if you think you can get him there.

+1000

This is my DH's family, exactly. Makes me think his father was as you describe, unfortunately. Dh's family is *extremely* hush-hush about the goings on involving DH's dad. Their behavior, more than anything, made me suspicious. Turns out I am right.

Point being, go ahead and try to help yourself, as they are not cooperating fully.