Should I call the coach or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to play devils advocate here. My son was a very good (everyone would agree on this) soccer player, I will go far as to even say outstanding.
He was not selected for all conference but everyone expected him to get it. He was the highest scoring defender IN THE STATE (most defenders do not score). My husband met with the coaches and they both admitted he should have made it, it went back "up for discussion" with the panel I guess and they came back saying it was an oversight. He was given it afterall and this is not parents thinking he was better than he was, he was heavily recruited and now plays for Dartmouth, so this is NOT the case of a kids parents thinking he is better than he is. Things do happen and yes sometimes things slip between the cracks.
I feel like if you can say it very politely and come from a place of genuine confusion (IF your son is really that good) that you are just surprised and wanted to know how these selections were made, etc...maybe they won't e defensive and instead will want to explain things. In our case it paid off in spades, I didn't do it so much for myself but for my son who had worked incredibly hard, had been featured in a few magazine articles, news,etc....and then to not have gotten that just was bewildering so if your case OP is like this..then I say there is nothing wrong with asking.

Interesting. This happened to me with phi beta kappa. It was just an oversight. Not that it's done me any good!

[Anonymous]

You will come off as psycho mom. Trust me on this one.

[Anonymous]

There is a reason. You need to come to grips with it. It might not even be a fair reason maybe they could only choose 6 from that position the 6th spot went to a coach's son( speaking hypothetical here). The point is that if you and your son and everyone else knows he is that good nothing is going to take that away.
Things like this happen all the time. I remember being out of college working for a huge sales firm. I was the hot rookie, highest sales of the first half of the year, and yet at the awards dinner when the rookie of the year was announced and everyone expected it to be me...guess what ? It wasn't I was dumfounded and crushed. But I held my head high and as my parents had taught me kept moving on forward to the next opportunity to shine. It didn't stop me it made me work harder. Much later down the road I found out the guy who had won was passed over the year before and was a friend of the owners son....go figure. Things happen and we all know life is not always fair.
Your son probably did deserve to get that level 2 award, but chances are you calling is not going to change it and only the coaches know the reason behind it. I say let it go allow for it to be a teaching lesson to both of you that life is not always fair and that unfortunately shit happens. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Depending on his age I would have him approach the coach to have him ask what he needs to do to get to the next level.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go. Does the level of award have any bearing on the future, or is it just supposed to reflect the performance over the past season?

I'm not sure what sport you're son is involved in, but I have a gymnast and that shapes how I handle all sport situations. In my opinion, calling the coach about this would interrupt the coach-athlete relationship. It would show your son that you don't trust the coach's opinion, which can cause issues in the future. The coach knows so much more about the sport and the performance than the parent does. I can't even begin to explain all of the unfairness that can occur in a judged sport like gymnastics, but I can tell you that we trust the coaches, never question the judges, and like we teach the kids in preschool, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

[Anonymous]

Let me understand this correctly.

Your son was one of only eight kids our of 40 that received recognition on the team.

You are mad because you think he should be higher. Do you think he is better thwn the kids who got level 2? Do the stats show this? Does his behavior and attitude show this?

And now you are mad because your son, one of only eight, did not get the award you wanted him to get, and because YOU are competitive you want to speak with the coach about what you perceive as a slight to your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will come off as psycho mom. Trust me on this one.

This

[Anonymous]

OP, you know opinions on this board will fall into two camps. It was your nature to act one way, but now you are conflicted. You want to change your mind. Do it. Ask and get it explained (or make them justify it)

[Anonymous]

Is Dad around? (maybe I missed that detail) Does he agree? Men still get more serious face-time in male-dominated sports. Meaning, the result will likely be better.

[Anonymous]

Call the coach (I coach) and tell them how much kiddo wants to play and if he could review strengths/weaknesses and develop an off-season plan to get to the next level. As a coach, I look forward to those discussions with parents. Don't dwell on last seasons score, focus on the next season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to play devils advocate here. My son was a very good (everyone would agree on this) soccer player, I will go far as to even say outstanding.
He was not selected for all conference but everyone expected him to get it. He was the highest scoring defender IN THE STATE (most defenders do not score). My husband met with the coaches and they both admitted he should have made it, it went back "up for discussion" with the panel I guess and they came back saying it was an oversight. He was given it afterall and this is not parents thinking he was better than he was, he was heavily recruited and now plays for Dartmouth, so this is NOT the case of a kids parents thinking he is better than he is. Things do happen and yes sometimes things slip between the cracks.
I feel like if you can say it very politely and come from a place of genuine confusion (IF your son is really that good) that you are just surprised and wanted to know how these selections were made, etc...maybe they won't e defensive and instead will want to explain things. In our case it paid off in spades, I didn't do it so much for myself but for my son who had worked incredibly hard, had been featured in a few magazine articles, news,etc....and then to not have gotten that just was bewildering so if your case OP is like this..then I say there is nothing wrong with asking.

Very typical in travel soccer. Actually, the norm.

Similar story in our family. Brother got heavily recruited--full ride D-1, all American and even played Professional.

The politics in travel soccer is mind boggling. Going through it now with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here...OK here is an update. I decided against writing/calling the coach. Though it was tempting!

However there's a part 2 which has me quite upset. There was a get together for end of season. Each coach spoke about each kid (three coaches) they each took certain positions. They spoke about how many years they played varsity, if the kids won any awards, highlights and if a kid was recruited.

THe coach who spoke of my son was a newer coach and when he presented his info...it was wrong!! He said my son played on varsity for 1 year whereas he was the only one who has played for 4 years. He has been recruited and made no mention of that but the other coaches spoke of that about other kids on the team were recruited, we were really disappointed that at least he did not take the time to get his information straight and I know since this was the last hurrah my son was upset too.

I want to reach out to the coach about this (main coach) and tell him so they make sure to do their fact checking before hand, it was not the high note my son wanted to end on and we were really disappointed given what he has done for the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...OK here is an update. I decided against writing/calling the coach. Though it was tempting!

However there's a part 2 which has me quite upset. There was a get together for end of season. Each coach spoke about each kid (three coaches) they each took certain positions. They spoke about how many years they played varsity, if the kids won any awards, highlights and if a kid was recruited.

THe coach who spoke of my son was a newer coach and when he presented his info...it was wrong!! He said my son played on varsity for 1 year whereas he was the only one who has played for 4 years. He has been recruited and made no mention of that but the other coaches spoke of that about other kids on the team were recruited, we were really disappointed that at least he did not take the time to get his information straight and I know since this was the last hurrah my son was upset too.

I want to reach out to the coach about this (main coach) and tell him so they make sure to do their fact checking before hand, it was not the high note my son wanted to end on and we were really disappointed given what he has done for the team.

Don't talk to the coach. New coach made mistakes (maybe he was nervous?/didn't know players well). I recently thought about talking to a coach about my child not getting selected for certain spots, but I decided against it. As parents, we'll always see our own kids' as being teh best. And hte coach is a volunteer. And DD was happy during practices, so I juist won't say anything.

[Anonymous]

Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

As someone who does this for a living my advice is if something bothers you enough to consume you it is worth considering speaking to the person about as long as it can be done in a sensible rational calm manner.
What might seem silly, trivial or insignificant to some might in fact be very real and important to others and no one is in a place to discredit those feelings- as I have raised my kids to do and as I advise my patients to- it is important to express yourself as long as it can be done in a respectable calm way.
Your feelings do seem justified but I would make sure that you're very calm before you make that call as I don't think you want to interrogate or come across confrontational to the coach rather use that as an opportunity to hear what he has to say and possibly offer an explanation as to why didn't have happened.
Best of luck to you.