Dealing with a spouse who's gotten very competitive with me about parenting

[Anonymous]

Are you having regular sex with him?

Hate to say it, but lack of sex can cause men to be that way about things.

[Anonymous]

Op - you say this came out of nowhere and started suddenly 3 months ago. That is a clue. Something changed.

I think you need to see what triggered that change. Was it something in the household, in the marriage or in DH himself?

Could DH be depressed? Any other changes in DH? Are you seeing this change in him in other areas or just with regards to the competitiveness. How is he in terms of relating to you otherwise right now?

You say you are temporarily SAH - was that a joint decision? What triggered that change?

It seems something happened or is happening where he really felt undermined, disrespected or not considered an equal parent and so now he is overcompensating and trying to prove himself and going about it all wrong.

When you ask him about the change - in a non confrontational way - what does he say?

If in a calm moment you told him you were surprised that he ran in and saved the child from a time out as that seemed out of character or hard to understand - how would he respond?

[Anonymous]

Take a parenting class together or read the same parenting book together. This is a control issue and sometimes spouses need to know the "best way" to resolve these little parental skirmishes. Works well for DH and me -- when we agree on a method that's supported by a book, we can defer to the book instead of getting huffy that the other is "doing it wrong."

It's also helpful to set up the general rule that you'll both try to be consistent, but when one parent is "in charge" they are in charge, and the other parent doesn't interfere.

Oh, and time outs aren't age-appropriate before age 2. Until then, you redirect and/or don't create the environment for them to do things you don't like (i.e., if you know your kid is a food thrower, you either redirect and stop the throwing and then continue with the meal as normal, and/or you feed them one bite at a time until they outgrow the throwing).

[Anonymous]

Control is often about anxiety, fear or unknown.

[Anonymous]

How old is the child that you are giving him a timeout? I could be misreading, but it sounds like the child is high chair age, is that right? If so, I have to agree with your spouse on that particular issue. Any baby in a high chair is too little for a time out to be appropriate or useful.

[Anonymous]

My husband is similar, very involved and sometimes pushing me out of the way. I think it stems from the fact that his parents weren't around much and he really wants to be involved and not sidelined like a lot of other dads. I had real issues with it at first but now I really appreciate it. But we have come to a balance where he respects me when it is mommy time, and vice versa. There are still times when he is holding her or soothing her and she just wants mama, and he gets really mad and insulted about it. But we are mostly ok with things now, it is a constant balancing act.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- you turn your child's chair around -I'm assuming towards the wall- when they throw food? That's fucked up. You clearly need the other parent to rescue the kid, because you have no idea how to parent.

[Anonymous]

(And by rescue I mean hopefully you have a nanny during the day or daycare because both of you turning a child's chair for punishment is fucked up)

[Anonymous]

DC is 22 months. I thought it was about time to start short (under 2 minutes) timeouts. Perhaps not.

As for DH, he is definitely not a batterer, and he isn't an a$$hole or depressed. But he is in a race to be the better, more burdened parent and spouse, and often needs to blow off steam by being argumentative and/or condescending.

I'm SAH because we're on a temporary overseas assignment for his job and I can't work here. He always said he wanted a SAH wife when he had kids, but IRL it's been an adjustment for him and there's a little resentment there. I also know he knows this is unfair.

There are really two distinct parts to what happened today to prompt this post. One is the new stuff - the increasing criticism of what I do (or don't do) and how I do it, and his need to feel like the superior parent who does more and does it better. It's related, though, to the second aspect, which is his need to always feel like the aggrieved party. That's longstanding - total martyr complex. It's so stupid to me because for this short window of time we have basically no stress, which will obviously change when we're back in DC and I'm full-time again. It concerns me that stupid fights like this are happening now, when we have it so good. What's it going to be like when we're all busy and stressed and in traffic all damn day again!? Maybe he's just bored with our lack of real problems!?

Some good questions and advice above. I did ask (though not calmly or diplomatically, I admit) what was up with his drama about DC and the timeout today. That timeout was actually his technique, btw. He didn't really have a defense and tried to walk it back and changed the subject. I think he was just feeling confrontational and grouchy.

The recent trigger could be that DC started going part time to an education-based preschool 3x week. DH was very into this idea and actually talked me into it (truly), but maybe now he's feeling like I don't do anything all day and he resents my free time in spite of himself. Kinda like how he always wanted a SAH wife...until he had one.

(08:38: It has been a couple of nights, so maybe you're onto something there. I've noticed the same thing myself.)

When we're back in DC, I do want to try some classes. I think we would both benefit. And I really like the idea of picking a strategy we agree on from a book and deferring to that, as well as to whichever parent is "in charge" at the moment. Good rule!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- you turn your child's chair around -I'm assuming towards the wall- when they throw food? That's fucked up. You clearly need the other parent to rescue the kid, because you have no idea how to parent.

Wow, nanny, nice language!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- you turn your child's chair around -I'm assuming towards the wall- when they throw food? That's fucked up. You clearly need the other parent to rescue the kid, because you have no idea how to parent.

Glad you're not my kids' nanny. Aggressive pottymouth - I don't think you have anything to teach us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is 22 months. I thought it was about time to start short (under 2 minutes) timeouts. Perhaps not.

As for DH, he is definitely not a batterer, and he isn't an a$$hole or depressed. But he is in a race to be the better, more burdened parent and spouse, and often needs to blow off steam by being argumentative and/or condescending.

I'm SAH because we're on a temporary overseas assignment for his job and I can't work here. He always said he wanted a SAH wife when he had kids, but IRL it's been an adjustment for him and there's a little resentment there. I also know he knows this is unfair.

There are really two distinct parts to what happened today to prompt this post. One is the new stuff - the increasing criticism of what I do (or don't do) and how I do it, and his need to feel like the superior parent who does more and does it better. It's related, though, to the second aspect, which is his need to always feel like the aggrieved party. That's longstanding - total martyr complex. It's so stupid to me because for this short window of time we have basically no stress, which will obviously change when we're back in DC and I'm full-time again. It concerns me that stupid fights like this are happening now, when we have it so good. What's it going to be like when we're all busy and stressed and in traffic all damn day again!? Maybe he's just bored with our lack of real problems!?

Some good questions and advice above. I did ask (though not calmly or diplomatically, I admit) what was up with his drama about DC and the timeout today. That timeout was actually his technique, btw. He didn't really have a defense and tried to walk it back and changed the subject. I think he was just feeling confrontational and grouchy.

The recent trigger could be that DC started going part time to an education-based preschool 3x week. DH was very into this idea and actually talked me into it (truly), but maybe now he's feeling like I don't do anything all day and he resents my free time in spite of himself. Kinda like how he always wanted a SAH wife...until he had one.

(08:38: It has been a couple of nights, so maybe you're onto something there. I've noticed the same thing myself.)

When we're back in DC, I do want to try some classes. I think we would both benefit. And I really like the idea of picking a strategy we agree on from a book and deferring to that, as well as to whichever parent is "in charge" at the moment. Good rule!

I'm thinking this may be something to explore some more. It's "easier" to create a fight about kids than to talk about something like resentment.

[Anonymous]

Based on your theory about resentment, I think couples therapy to help you figure out how to address things openly instead of this passive-aggressive nonsense.

PS, I am also a nanny and use the time-out method for food throwing too, starting around 18 months. I do everything "right" in terms of offering only a small amount of food at a time, sitting down with the kid while they eat, etc., but if food gets thrown, they get one "time out" (say "uh-oh. Throwing food means you are all done," turn chair around, wait 30 seconds, say, "Ready to try again?"), and the second time they throw we end the meal.

[Anonymous]

I would just let him do all the baths, diaper changes, etc. and take a break. Seriously, just go turn the tv on. If he swoops in to rescue your child during time out then just let him take over the task completely. Turn around and walk out of the room. Trust me, this isn't going to last for long. Soon you will have schedules of whose turn it is to give a bath. Unless you continue to be a full-time SAHM. Then it will be probably be all your job when he gets bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you talked with him/her about it? And by talking I mean in a calm voice when the child isn't there and where you say things like "I feel undermined and not valued as a parent when you ...." If so, what does he/she say?

If the answer is that you've tried to, but the conversation turns into an argument or you're dismissed or nothing changes, then the next step is find a good therapist to help navigate through this. It's not an insurmountable problem. But it sounds like you could benefit from a third party to help you both communicate better and to set up some expectations for how you will both respond around baby.

+1

I never dealt with this issue. My DH and I decided early on it was US against THEM (our kids). We know they will try and turn us against each other or play us against each other (because we used to do the same when we were kids!). So we stand united.

You actually RACE to change a dirty diaper? Please come to my house. I'll let you win ALL THE TIME.
My DH will change a diaper if I'm not home or sick, but other than that, if I'm home, it's all mine. (I'm now a SAHM so I don't care.) When I worked, we split it evenly (no we didn't tally up diaper changes, either).

You do have a marriage problem and it will lead to kid problems later on. Talk to your spouse and ask to go to counseling. You could let them win at some things to see if it makes a difference (like diaper changes). I wouldn't let them "win" with discipline issues.