Dealing with a spouse who's gotten very competitive with me about parenting

[Anonymous]

Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, how? Over the last few months my spouse has become increasingly competitive with me about parenting our young child. I get some sort of passive-aggressive remark or attitude every time my spouse beats me to a meal, diaper change, or bath (and I do mean beat me - spouse sometimes actually tries to get there first in order to have something to be aggrieved about. Not to mention the constant second-guessing, criticism, and undermining over my parenting choices. Example: child throws food and yells at lunch. I remove the food tray and turn the chair for a short time out. Within a minute, spouse comes storming around the corner, dramatically "rescues" DC from chair, and scolds for me doing a time out. This is the EXACT same method that my spouse uses when feeding our child to try to discourage food throwing and yelling. Literally no difference in our actions.

I have zero interest in being treated like the bad/inferior parent and will not tolerate it. Bad for DC and ruinous for a marriage. I'm remaining gender neutral on purpose to avoid biased responses and because I'd actually like to hear from both sexes if possible. And for everyone who can't wait to tell me that it's "a marriage problem, not a parenting problem" - yeah, no kidding, I know. But I'm still interested to know how others successfully navigated this particular type of marriage problem.

[Anonymous]

Is your wife a stay at home mom?

Sometimes, especially with the first, raising the baby the "right" way takes over everything. As a SAHM myself, I think that this can happen when a woman is no longer working and only has her parenting as validation of her success.

I think a lot of husbands suffer as a result, and feel pushed away as parents.

Your wife seems a bit like she has crossed into the dark side, and I am sure if she posted she would be complaining about how you do everything wrong.

I wish I had some advice to give, other than it will get better, especially once she has other things to focus on, such as more kids or a new job.

Hang in there dad!

[Anonymous]

Oh, and it is not a competition, and it very likely has little to do with you. It is about her uncontrollable need to do things the "right" way.

Perhaps cancel your internet subscription so that she can't spend so much time googling the latest trends of parenting.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you step back a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recommend you step back a bit.

Step back from what? Bathing, feeding, and changing our child?

[Anonymous]

Is the competitive spouse SAH? Perhaps they are feeling overwhelmed/exhausted by the day to day and unacknowledged for their contributions. You come home from work- and while you might be tired too, you get to switch to doing something new...and probably get greeted by smiles and giggles from your DC and SAH parent feels like chopped liver. You get to be both successful at career and a great parent because SAH spouse is at home all day making it easy for you to swoop in and look awesome ( I.e., favorite food stocked, bath supplies ready, bottles ready to go, clean clothes at the ready, etc.).

Even if your spouse does work, if they are doing the majority of the child care management- groceries, pick ups, laundry, etc, they could also feel under appreciated.

Anyway, Try some small acts of kindness/acknowledgement for your spouse. Flowers or their favorite food/drink and just a note---You are a great parent.... DC is always happy, healthy and I know it is because of your great effort... How would we do this without you! Then next time you are on bath duty, send them away with a it's your time to relax, I will do this.

[Anonymous]

He/She sounds very, very angry and controlling.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you talked with him/her about it? And by talking I mean in a calm voice when the child isn't there and where you say things like "I feel undermined and not valued as a parent when you ...." If so, what does he/she say?

If the answer is that you've tried to, but the conversation turns into an argument or you're dismissed or nothing changes, then the next step is find a good therapist to help navigate through this. It's not an insurmountable problem. But it sounds like you could benefit from a third party to help you both communicate better and to set up some expectations for how you will both respond around baby.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My gender-neutral experiment failed. Everyone assumed the competitive spouse was female and the advice is slanted accordingly. In fact, I'm the mom (SAH temporarily). I'm not into tit-for-tat and keeping score (he is). He's a great dad, though like me, he has his blind spots. This oneupmanship/criticism came out of nowhere about 3 months ago and has steadily increased. I now get some little dig or attempt to beat me to some child-related task (then accompanied by sighing/clenched jaw/attitude) every day. It's getting old. As I said, I'm at home, so it's not like I don't do my share of childrearing. I cook often and well, I like a tidy house so that's what we have, and DC is happy and healthy. And my husband's current job and hours are nondemanding (even he will say this, often). Our lives are low-pressure right now. Seems to me like picking fights and manufacturing drama where none really needs to exist. I know you're all used to thinking of the opposite genders in these roles, but I don't actually think competitive husbands are all that rare (esp around DC).

So within that context...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My gender-neutral experiment failed. Everyone assumed the competitive spouse was female and the advice is slanted accordingly. In fact, I'm the mom (SAH temporarily). I'm not into tit-for-tat and keeping score (he is). He's a great dad, though like me, he has his blind spots. This oneupmanship/criticism came out of nowhere about 3 months ago and has steadily increased. I now get some little dig or attempt to beat me to some child-related task (then accompanied by sighing/clenched jaw/attitude) every day. It's getting old. As I said, I'm at home, so it's not like I don't do my share of childrearing. I cook often and well, I like a tidy house so that's what we have, and DC is happy and healthy. And my husband's current job and hours are nondemanding (even he will say this, often). Our lives are low-pressure right now. Seems to me like picking fights and manufacturing drama where none really needs to exist. I know you're all used to thinking of the opposite genders in these roles, but I don't actually think competitive husbands are all that rare (esp around DC).

So within that context...

^^ Written but not submitted before the previous 2 PPs posted, so does not reflect their answers.

[Anonymous]

Where are you located? Dr Rene Hackney of Parenting Playgroups does a class on "parenting as a couple," and that might be a good place to start the conversation. In the mean time, is it possible that he is trying to prove something in terms of being an active parent? How did he feel about you SAH? What was the dynamic between him and his parents growing up? Would it be possible for you to just completely step back from parenting during his hours home (or arrange to be away from the house with DC for hours when that wouldn't work)?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear this. DH and I had a lot of disagreements and issues when we were parenting our first. The situations are somewhat different, but it doesn't really matter--what matters is that you are feeling undermined and you two are not working as a team. There are two things to figure out

1) where is this coming from? does he feel insecure because you are SAH right now and he thinks you are somehow judging him as an inferior parent? is he envious of the time you get to spend with your child?

2) you absolutely have to be on the same page, as much as possible, about parenting. While mom and dad can have different styles, issues of discipline need to be handled consistently. This is where I would start. I would find a quiet time and tell him that you feel that you and he are not on the same page and that you think the two of you either need some parenting classes or some therapy to figure out why small parenting issues are becoming big marriage issues. Use specific examples from recent memory, using "I" language. (WHen you did X, I felt Y). Perhaps from this discussion you can get to the issues above.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's resentful that you get to stay at home & he doesn't?

Or maybe he's mad about something completely and totally unrelated.

It just sounds to me like he's irritated about something that he's not talking about, and manufacturing these justifications.

[Anonymous]

I knew from your post that it was the husband.

My ex did this all the time and it turns out he's a control freak / batterer. Hopefully your situation doesn't deteriorate like mine did, but if it does you will be fine as a single Mom. In fact, better. Nothing worse than dealing with an abusive spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew from your post that it was the husband.

My ex did this all the time and it turns out he's a control freak / batterer. Hopefully your situation doesn't deteriorate like mine did, but if it does you will be fine as a single Mom. In fact, better. Nothing worse than dealing with an abusive spouse.

I knew it would deteriorate to this as soon as the gender neutral part was gone. I do hope people still give constructive advice other than he's a man so therefore he is an abusive, controlling asshole -divorce him you'll be better off.