Inviting elderly parent to live next door -- thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I would look for an over 55 community. They will have activities that are appropriate for their age and interests, they will make friends and they will have staff that is equipped at handling aging adults.

You probably picture your parents just as they are until they pass away. But that is not the reality of aging. Very often you will not have the time or strength to handle the medical needs of an sick and elderly adult (even with money to hire a nurse to come in), which means your parents are getting less than adequate care.

[Anonymous]

I think this could work really well for some families. I think everyone (you, your spouse, your parents, your kids, too) needs to be honest upfront though on what the expectations are for time together and assistance. Things to figure out:
* how many meals are week (or month) do you think you will have together? Who would cook those meals, or pay for them if you go out?
* Will you drive them to all of their doctors appointments, or will they need to make their own arrangements?
* Will you expect them to do any babysitting or pet sitting?
* Will you do their yard work as well as your own? What about house cleaning?
* Will you take them grocery shopping or do the shopping for them?
* Are you free to pop in at any time without an invitation (this goes both ways)?
* How will they develop their own social network? Their old one is 2 hours away.
* How friendly is your neighborhood to walking and wheelchairs? I think this can be a big quality of life item for seniors.
* How would you feel about this if it were your in-laws, not your parents?

These are some of the things that have gone through my head as we are encouraging my MIL to move to DC from GA. I would honestly prefer that she not live next door, or really even within a mile. That might sound mean, but I think we might both go a little batty if we were too close together.

[Anonymous]

As long as you and your folks have a good relationship, then I think it is a huge blessing that your neighbors next door are moving.

It sounds like a win-win situation for everyone involved!!

I say run the idea by your parents and see how they respond!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look for an over 55 community. They will have activities that are appropriate for their age and interests, they will make friends and they will have staff that is equipped at handling aging adults.

You probably picture your parents just as they are until they pass away. But that is not the reality of aging. Very often you will not have the time or strength to handle the medical needs of an sick and elderly adult (even with money to hire a nurse to come in), which means your parents are getting less than adequate care.

An over 55 community would be the best option. Most have transportation to doctor appointments & shopping trips. Activities & social interaction.

What happens if you go on vacation, would you feel comfortable leaving your parents at home alone or feel guilty? It is great that you can be there for your parents but do you really want to be at their beck & call, that could get difficult for all of you. If one of them were to pass, it would be nice if they were already settled into a facility so that wouldn't be a change to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Be sure to come back and tell us what happens!

[Anonymous]

My neighbours do this. Semi detached. It is great for the grandparents and children. Mom works so kids go over after school (kids are 5 and 7). They share a backyard. My friend is the dil are rarely complains. It's a great solution. My parents live 3 min away by car post retirement and overall it's great. We see each other most week nights from 5-8 pm. We spend this time in the park or I get errands done. DH gets home around then and they try to leave just before he comes home for his privacy. Kids get a lot of liove from this. Mine are 5 and 1. And we don't eat together or have those expectations. Weekends we do our own thing unless expressly invited. DH has never complained. My parents are too old to really babysit apart from quick errands etc so no date nights etc with them watching kids. They wanted to be near my kids so they made this decision in their own.

[Anonymous]

Pp here, my parents are financially and physically independent. They have made lots of friends in the neighbourhood of those in their same life stage.

[Anonymous]

Wonderful idea! My great grandmother lived next door to one of her grandsons for the last 30+ years of her life and while she was very independent until the day she died, he was there to fix a broken stair and check on her regularly. If you have a good relationship with your parents there is no reason not to do this! Wish my parents lived closer

[Anonymous]

I know for me, it would be horrible. But, my father has mental health and substance abuse issues.

I would be concerned with elderly who had fall issues living in a row house. There can be a lot of up and down. Even if it is handicap accessible.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds like a great idea.

My dad keeps threatening to move in with me at some point. We have a 2BR up/2BR main cape and he says he would take one of the main floor bedrooms and my stepmom would take the other. This terrifies me. (I love my folks, but my house is 1,500 SF and they would drive me crazy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this could work really well for some families. I think everyone (you, your spouse, your parents, your kids, too) needs to be honest upfront though on what the expectations are for time together and assistance. Things to figure out:
* how many meals are week (or month) do you think you will have together? Who would cook those meals, or pay for them if you go out?
* Will you drive them to all of their doctors appointments, or will they need to make their own arrangements?
* Will you expect them to do any babysitting or pet sitting?
* Will you do their yard work as well as your own? What about house cleaning?
* Will you take them grocery shopping or do the shopping for them?
* Are you free to pop in at any time without an invitation (this goes both ways)?
* How will they develop their own social network? Their old one is 2 hours away.
* How friendly is your neighborhood to walking and wheelchairs? I think this can be a big quality of life item for seniors.
* How would you feel about this if it were your in-laws, not your parents?

These are some of the things that have gone through my head as we are encouraging my MIL to move to DC from GA. I would honestly prefer that she not live next door, or really even within a mile. That might sound mean, but I think we might both go a little batty if we were too close together.

also, if you talk to an expert on aging adults, we think we should help (drive to appointment, do the gardening, grocery shop, make food) but it actually take their independence away before they want to or need to and not on their terms.

[Anonymous]

Do not move your parents from their home of 50 years. This is cruel and would probably precipitate illness and death. How would you like to be uprooted after 50 years?

[Anonymous]

15:00 - the OP said the parents are already considering moving. It sounds like they have come to a point where they need more care and can't live on their own anymore. It would be easier to help them if they're nearby, whether that's in the house next door or a nearby 55+ community.

[Anonymous]

My MIL moved to a 55+ community and it is a lovely community, but she sits in her house and moans that she has nothing to do. There are book clubs, lunch bunches, bunco nights, holiday parties, yoga classes, and 100 craploads of things to do. I would like to have her live next door or in an in-law suite because it would be so much easier for us to take care of things for her that she needs help with.