Preferring one child over another

[Anonymous]

Your ILs are hideously bad parents. However, this is DH's fight. Just love him unconditionally and make sure not to repeat the pattern with your own kids.

Beware: your ILs will TRY to repeat the pattern with your kids (their grandkids). Keep your ILs on a very short leash! As soon as they start to favor one (usually the first born) over the others, put MIL and FIL in their place. Remind them gently at first (Not so gently after that) that if they want to see DC1, then they have to see DC2. If they want to give DC1 an expensive gift, DC2 gets one of equal value or nobody gets a gift AT ALL!

I've had to do this on a few occasions and it helped remind them (and DH) that they are not my kids' family of origin. DH and I are the parents. Grandparents have a role in the parents' lives (more limited when we're grownups), but have no rights under the law. Certainly no rights to act like A$$h*les!

Let DH confront his own demons (read parents) on his own time.

[Anonymous]

Everything is about perspective--his, yours and theirs.

If ILs give a gift to one kid and not the other it could be because its a gift appropriate for the older child and not the younger, because one does a sport/needs it etc, because they did something "good" and earned it. Also sometimes its about the parent/grandparent and not the kid. E.g. Typically every night my husband reads 1/2 to DS but about 5 min to DD. DD thinks its totally unfair. I know its because DH prefers one book over the other so his "effort" is the same for 30 min vs 5... There are always different perspectives.

In our house "favoritism" occurs because one kid is more like the parent/grandparent and therefore their actions are understood vs not. Its up to us to try to see things from others perspectives.

Or just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

My husband is estranged from his family basically, from what I can tell, because his parents treated him like crap compared to his other three siblings. I tried to be an intermediary for awhile, thinking surely it wasn't really like that, but ultimately realized I really should just support him and let him decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your battle. You can be offended for him, but unless DH wants to do something about it or it is directly affecting you, MYOB.

Some families have a lot of history that's not easy to address.

I agree that it's not my fight. I am more curious than anything because I have no frame of reference.

Exactly and maybe what you see as preference is just that, YOUR perspective. Your husband not seeing that way may not be in denial, he just has a different opinion.

[Anonymous]

My ILs definitely prefer one brother over the other two. I can't really blame them; people do like some people more than others. They don't do a great job of hiding the fact, especially now that grandchildren are in the picture, but I don't think they intend for it to be obvious. My husband has come to realize it just over the last 3 years and it hurts him less just in the last year. It was a hard path on his part because he was the baby of the family & “mom’s favorite” as a kid.

[Anonymous]

MIL definitely prefers and coddles the SILs, which has not helped them at all in life. They seem to expect preferential treatment in the outside world, which is not realistic, clearly.

It carries over to the grandchildren (awful, uninvolved parent=awful, uninvolved grandparent). The grandchildren see this before long, to the favoring grandparents' detriment.

In my own family, it happens to be similar: the most helpless are coddled, inevitably becoming more helpless. Parents, do NOT do this to your children. It has awful repercussions, moreso for the favorite child/ren.

As for DH and me, we have done well in spite of the treatment, it did us a favor. But I would never say it is a good thing, especially for the helpless/coddled/favorite one/s.

I don't think the parents who are guilty of this ever see the forest for the trees, unfortunately.