Preferring one child over another

[Anonymous]

I am an only child. DH is not. I feel that DHs parents prefer his siblings over him. Part of it, I think, is due to a big family quarrel that took place some years ago. As a result of this, DHs siblings cut off contact with his parents for years. DH didn't, primarily because I talked him out of it. But now it is clear to me that his siblings are the preferred children, both on an emotional level and a material one. While I am offended on DHs behalf, he says that I just don't understand the dynamics of a multi-sibling family and that it is pretty much always like that. Is he right?

[Anonymous]

Not your battle. You can be offended for him, but unless DH wants to do something about it or it is directly affecting you, MYOB.

Some families have a lot of history that's not easy to address.

[Anonymous]

It's not always like that, but your husband apparently thinks it's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your battle. You can be offended for him, but unless DH wants to do something about it or it is directly affecting you, MYOB.

Some families have a lot of history that's not easy to address.

I agree that it's not my fight. I am more curious than anything because I have no frame of reference.

[Anonymous]

Remember that you are asking your DH to face and accept the fact that his parents prefer his siblings to him. That's a pretty uncomfortable truth. I imagine it is much easier to think that this is normal and that all families work this way.

They do not. Perhaps some or even many parents have preferences for one child over others (I actually do not), but most parents I know would take pains to hide those preferences from their children. It's not normal for parents and children to stop speaking for long periods of time or for parents to practice extreme favoritism. It's not the way healthy, functional families operate.

[Anonymous]

Families definitely have preferences among children. DH's family prefers his sister. That's just the way it is. DH calls way less, my family is closer to the kids, and they live far away.

Either way, not my battle, so I try not to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm not usually one to quote the Bible, but I do think the parable of the prodigal son is relevant here.

Short version: One son dutifully does everything right, the other son pushes their father away and drinks, gambles, etc. Eventually the runaway son comes back & the dad makes a big deal about it; the dutiful son is pissed b/c he's been there all along being good.

The Biblical message in the story is beside my point -- my point is, I bet the fact that your husband's sibling were estranged from their parents for some time means the parents are now very relieved to have them back, and that really colors how they behave with them.

It doesn't mean they love your husband less, but it might mean they take him a little bit for granted. That's not necessarily a bad thing -- it's nice to have people in your life that you know you can rely on to be there no matter what -- but it can still sting.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is like this in all families. If you think "not in my family" you are most likely the preferred child, ask your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is like this in all families. If you think "not in my family" you are most likely the preferred child, ask your siblings.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is like this in all families. If you think "not in my family" you are most likely the preferred child, ask your siblings.

I think my parents did it exactly right: Both my brother and I think the other is the "favorite." LOL.

I actually don't have a favorite among my children. I can't be the only one who feels this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is like this in all families. If you think "not in my family" you are most likely the preferred child, ask your siblings.

+1

I think this is bullshit. Good parents might have favorites (you can help liking one person more than another) but they don't parent that way.

I suspect my MIL prefers one of her children over the others, but she is scrupulously fair in her parenting. As it should be.

[Anonymous]

I am one of three - from my own experience I can say it's true...that doesn't make it true for every family though. I have many friends with children where I don't feel any child is loved more, than the other/s.

I agree with the previous posters: don't get involved. You can have your husband's back, encourage him and be there for him if he decides to address this - but don't force it.

[Anonymous]

I think most families have a favorite. I am most definitely my family's favorite. I work hard at being there for my parents and I was very good to them growing up even. I call constantly, send much loved presents and genuinely care more for them. My sister has always been mean to them. As kids they loved her much more than me so I'm glad to see the tables turned.

[Anonymous]

I do, I much prefer my children over our neighbors children and generally over other children as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my parents did it exactly right: Both my brother and I think the other is the "favorite." LOL.

We're the exact opposite. I think my parents did it exactly right because all three of us are absolutely, positively convinced that we're the favorite!

In any event, even though are all have reasons that our parents favor us over the others, the family inheritance is NOT divided equally and we're all fine with it. My parents let us know some time ago that they did not divide their fairly sizeable estate equally because our life circumstances have not been equal. Two of us ended up with good financially stable careers. My remaining sibling has had a lot of hardship including a very bitter divorce where my ex-IL basically raked our family over the coals and left my sibling with nothing financially and a child to support (a child support payment that only covers bare minimal support of my niece). So my parents have spent a lot of their money over the last few years helping my sibling out financially and they have left that sibling a larger part of the inheritance. My other sibling and I share the balance equally.

And we're all fine with it. If my parents had passed on without such allowances, it probably would have ended up similarly as we would have diverted more of the inheritance to the sibling with less ability to support self and niece. We all love and support each other and believe in "to each according to his/her need" rather than "equal" regardless of circumstances.