why are things easier without DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

Yes, separating will create a whole host of other issues you haven't thought of, however, it works for me. My DH has been living in another city during the weekdays and coming home most weekends for the past 6.5 months. It's very busy, but we fight less and connect better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

+1

THIS.

Another DW.

[Anonymous]

Widow here.

The quality of life for me and my kids is a million times better since selfish and lazy DH died.

Bonus points for not having to deal with his bitchy mother.

[Anonymous]

This is something I realized when I became a single Mom. Turns out taking care of a child and apartment, rather than a child, man-child, and house all alone of course the former is easier.

If he is a dead weight, drop him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something I realized when I became a single Mom. Turns out taking care of a child and apartment, rather than a child, man-child, and house all alone of course the former is easier.

If he is a dead weight, drop him.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

The problem with this is it sets up some dynamic where you think you're in charge of the household and should be giving people (him) tasks that are to be performed to your satisfaction. That's not how this works.

Um, my Dh is not organized and doesn't care about anything kid or household related. He's happy with takeout 7 nights a week. He's happy living in a total pigsty. He's fine waiting to pay bills until the "final notice" arrives. I AM in charge of the household because he has no interest or ability in doing anything that's not "fun."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

I LOVE U. Things are better now, but this was the exact problem I had with my DH when kids were very young. If only men would realize this from the beginning, or I guess women need to tell this to men from the beginning. It's the mental work that is stressful.

Also, agree with PP that as the wife, you have to also let the dads do some things their way. We as moms have to let some things go. But the taking the initiative without asking is a HUGE load off of moms' shoulders.

Aw thanks! Today I figured out the kids' camp schedule for the summer and hired a travel agent so the awesome overseas vacation we are hoping to have won't start with a nightmare of planning.

As for doing things DW's way. I think the wives get that way as a defense to DHs slacking off, and the wives wouldn't mind so much how it gets done if the husbands would just man up and do it without asking.

I'm amazed at how many have or are going through the same thing. Our worst was when kids were 1 & 4/5. Now at 4 & 8 it works a lot better even though there is more stuff to schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

The problem with this is it sets up some dynamic where you think you're in charge of the household and should be giving people (him) tasks that are to be performed to your satisfaction. That's not how this works.

Um, my Dh is not organized and doesn't care about anything kid or household related. He's happy with takeout 7 nights a week. He's happy living in a total pigsty. He's fine waiting to pay bills until the "final notice" arrives. I AM in charge of the household because he has no interest or ability in doing anything that's not "fun."

Then why on earth did you marry this loser?! That is what's so upsetting. A bunch of people married someone who is not up to the challenge of actually having and caring for a family, but are being expected to just "change" and become something they aren't cut out for. You're allowing yourself to continue to be victimized by your poor choice in spouse. Accept that he isn't going to change and decide for yourself if you want to be his caretaker for the rest of your life or if you'd rather cut your loses and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I feel for you. I don't know why you are being criticized by so many.

I find that men who come from cultures where men are prized and coddled...do nothing. For example, Jewish, Indian, Asian, AA, Italian, Greek, Middle Eastern men and probably more think they are entitled to sit there while you do everything. My guess is your husband falls into one of these categories OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EVERYONE with little kids feels like this at some point, OP. You have my total sympathy.

Suggestions:

1) Stop arguing. Just shut up already.

2) Stop trying to run the show. Recognize that some of this is YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR and let it go. Everything doesn't have to be done your way, and your way is not always the perfect way.

No, in the long run, it would not be easier without your DH around. Separating would create a whole new set of problems you haven't even thought of yet.

You really do have my sympathy. The little kid years are hard, hard, hard. I promise it gets easier.

Thanks, PP. You are right on #2. Part of the issue is he doesn't do anything without me specifically telling him what to do. I was working on a project with the older one last night and told DH the younger one needed to be in bed at 6:30. Well, 6:30 rolled around and the little one was no where close to being in bed and thus up until 8pm and up this morning at 5am (not good for a 1 year old). He was still up at 6:30 because I didn't specifically tell DH to get him out of the tub, dried off, in jammies, etc. He also would just sit around all weekend and not think about lunch or snacks or going out of the house - I have to plan every outing or we would never leave on the weekends. He leaves crap everywhere. It's like he thinks the whole house is his closet. He gets out his toolbox and leaves it sitting in the same place for a MONTH even with gentle reminders to put it away. These are just little examples.

And I KNOW things in reality would be harder w/o him, but so many days it just doesn't feel like that .

The bedtime situation that you describe here is a good example. The next time something like this comes up, perhaps you could try this:

Say that one of you needs to work with DC1 on school work and the other get the baby to bed. He would rather put the baby to bed? Fine; quick reminder that that needs to happen at 6:30. Then, let it go. It's not going to harm the baby if s/he doesn't have a bath every night, and s/he doesn't have to sleep in pajamas. The important thing is to get the child to bed. If he does that by 6:30, that's done. Truly, OP, the other things are details that are not important in the long run.

Regarding the comment about him thinking that the house is his personal closet -- I get this too. But please remember that it is HIS HOUSE as well, and some people just don't care about things being picked up and put away. If this is important to you, then you need to have a conversation about meeting you in the middle on this one. You share the space with your family and you have to come to some sort of mutual agreement, but don't fault him because he doesn't have the same need for tidiness that you do.

[Anonymous]

My favorite is when I am sitting at home watching the game on TV and DW will walk in and say: "If you're not doing anything..."

Well, in point of fact I am. I am watching the game. It may not be important to you, but it is to me. So, unless whatever it is you are about to ask me to do (not tell me) better have life or death ramifications. If not, write and down and I will get to it.

Oh, and don't ask me to go shopping with you. You have girlfriends for that. I hate the time (and money) you waste on looking for/buying things we don't need or just trying on crap. The only upside I have gotten from these shopping forays - and I can only take it for about 2 hours max - is flirting with the other ladies in the dressing area.

And, if you drag me out to something I am not interested in, you cannot complain that that thing you needed done around the house did not get done.

Have a nice day, dear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Widow here.

The quality of life for me and my kids is a million times better since selfish and lazy DH died.

Bonus points for not having to deal with his bitchy mother.

Wow. Ok, then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite is when I am sitting at home watching the game on TV and DW will walk in and say: "If you're not doing anything..."

Well, in point of fact I am. I am watching the game. It may not be important to you, but it is to me. So, unless whatever it is you are about to ask me to do (not tell me) better have life or death ramifications. If not, write and down and I will get to it.

Oh, and don't ask me to go shopping with you. You have girlfriends for that. I hate the time (and money) you waste on looking for/buying things we don't need or just trying on crap. The only upside I have gotten from these shopping forays - and I can only take it for about 2 hours max - is flirting with the other ladies in the dressing area.

And, if you drag me out to something I am not interested in, you cannot complain that that thing you needed done around the house did not get done.

Have a nice day, dear!

Well, there ya go, ladies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I feel for you. I don't know why you are being criticized by so many.

I find that men who come from cultures where men are prized and coddled...do nothing. For example, Jewish, Indian, Asian, AA, Italian, Greek, Middle Eastern men and probably more think they are entitled to sit there while you do everything. My guess is your husband falls into one of these categories OP.

You basically just named every non-WASP culture. Also lol if you think none of the waspy guys are lazy.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, and WASPS think they are the bees knees. I love the scene in the Good Shepherd where Joe Pesci asks Matt Damon what do you people have? Damon replies, the United States of America, the rest of you are just visiting. NOT ANYMORE!