why are things easier without DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried talking to DH about this when the two of you are alone and more relaxed? My husband had many of the same annoying tendencies when our kids were little. My mentioning it in the moment only made me look like the controlling b**ch and did nothing to help.

I decided to talk to him over our rare dinner out sans kids and said something like: "Look, I know it is hard coming home from work and dealing with the kids and house, but I really count on you for help. How about I give you 30 minutes to unwind and then you pitch in with some stuff for a while? Also, I know that I can be a tad controlling about how and when things get done, so I'll try to back off. By the same token, there are certain things that are non-negotiable, such as the kids' bedtimes. When you let Larla stay up late it just makes her and the rest of us miserable the next day, so it can't happen except in an emergency. Can you try to respect that and I'll try not to nag you so much?

Believe it or not, DH was better after our talk. Not perfect, but better. As a bonus, I felt less annoyed and less like the police cop of the household.

The problem with this is it sets up some dynamic where you think you're in charge of the household and should be giving people (him) tasks that are to be performed to your satisfaction. That's not how this works.

Um, my Dh is not organized and doesn't care about anything kid or household related. He's happy with takeout 7 nights a week. He's happy living in a total pigsty. He's fine waiting to pay bills until the "final notice" arrives. I AM in charge of the household because he has no interest or ability in doing anything that's not "fun."

OK, so now you know your individual strengths and weaknesses. You do the heavy lifting; he is in charge of "fun." Perhaps you should think about being grateful for having someone in your life who can organize "fun." You sound like you could use a dose of it every now and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widow here.

The quality of life for me and my kids is a million times better since selfish and lazy DH died.

Bonus points for not having to deal with his bitchy mother.

Wow. Ok, then.

I don't want DH to drop dead, but there's a lot less stress when he's gone.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you are basically living the life of a single mother since he is not doing anything for you or the children when he is at home.

What good is except as a breadwinner?

I think it would be better for you + the kids if you divorce your husband, live apart from him w/your children and collect alimony & child support.

You will be much happier in the long run.

If I were you, I would start getting the wheels in motion legally.

If you continue living the way you are now, you will only end up a bitter and resentful old maid.

[Anonymous]

*he

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW and I had this same problem. I didn't understand why she was so frustrated because I would do anything she asked me to do. Her point was that she didn't want to have to ask me to do everything. She described it as "participating in running our life," which I couldn't understand at all, because if I was supposed to do something like plan a birthday party, I planned it, and it got done, so how was I not participating?

After talking it through over several months, we figured out that we had been talking past one another. What she was really upset about was not that I did a bad job planning the birthday party (for example). It's that I wasn't looking ahead, determining that a birthday was coming up, and realizing the party needed to be planned, not that I wouldn't do the planning if asked. The looking ahead and figuring out something needed to be done is what was making her upset - she was exhausted figuring out all of those things.

Meanwhile, she had been doing that kind of planning for so long I didn't even notice it, and honestly didn't feel entitled to come up with my own ideas for things like what we should do in the summer or where the kids would go to camp.

The discussion sort of solved the problem, because after that I actually felt more freedom to put things on our schedule, and to have my own ideas about what to do, both in the short term and the long term.

Although writing this reminds me that I've probably fallen down on this a bit and need to figure out some things for the summer.

Oh honey. I planned out the entire summer back in January/February. But if you'd like to lock in Thanksgiving and Christmas now that'd be great.

[Anonymous]

Just stop doing all this stuff and let all the less important balls you are juggling fall. Who hired you as COO of the entire family anyway? Nobody. You assumed control. Now, release. It's a thankless job no one appreciates. I quit years ago. Try it out, trust me.

DH figures stuff out on his own and takes action without nagging prompts from me. He picked up my slack. He's pretty smart and can do stuff like recognize eldest kid doesn't have enough shorts this season and just go ahead and place an order online for some shorts.

Oversimplified, but working for us.