The road goes both ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In arguments that I've had with my sister, she's always said that I was stuck up or too good for the family. Which isn't true at all. I love my family and it kills me that they think this way of me. I want to come home and visit but I hate coming home knowing that they feel this way.


Even though you say you are fine with it, you may not realize how you are coming across to others. Hear what they say, take it in, and try to be more understanding and see if there is something you can change

I don't think you've really owned your choices and are comfortable with them. If you had, you wouldn't feel so judged and bothered by it - you wouldn't be assuming they think you're stuck up or too good for family. FWIW, I come from the very rural midwest where some people have never been beyond the neighboring county. I not only moved out of state, I've lived all over the world. I don't even have the same accent they do any more - which is often commented upon. There is some distance between my extended family and me but I engage them, help with the dishes, greet everyone as they come in (or when I come in) and we just take it from there. No big deal - I am, after all, now a woman of a certain age and maturity .

And yet the last sentence that you wrote, seems to be putting down the OP. A woman with such age and maturity wouldn't be so degrading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In arguments that I've had with my sister, she's always said that I was stuck up or too good for the family. Which isn't true at all. I love my family and it kills me that they think this way of me. I want to come home and visit but I hate coming home knowing that they feel this way.


Even though you say you are fine with it, you may not realize how you are coming across to others. Hear what they say, take it in, and try to be more understanding and see if there is something you can change

I don't think you've really owned your choices and are comfortable with them. If you had, you wouldn't feel so judged and bothered by it - you wouldn't be assuming they think you're stuck up or too good for family. FWIW, I come from the very rural midwest where some people have never been beyond the neighboring county. I not only moved out of state, I've lived all over the world. I don't even have the same accent they do any more - which is often commented upon. There is some distance between my extended family and me but I engage them, help with the dishes, greet everyone as they come in (or when I come in) and we just take it from there. No big deal - I am, after all, now a woman of a certain age and maturity .

And yet the last sentence that you wrote, seems to be putting down the OP. A woman with such age and maturity wouldn't be so degrading.

'Degrading' you say! That's a strong word for someone calling herself (not the OP) older. Sounds like she struck a nerve! And, yeah, the OP sounds pretty immature and insecure although the PP said it more nicely.

[Anonymous]

AS you can see from the SAHM WOHM battles on this site, people often feel uncomfortable or rejected when others make different choices. Don't take it personally, stop feeling like you need to apologize or prove yourself, and just greet everyone warmly. Their issues are theirs, not yours.

[Anonymous]

NP, OP I understand why you are worried about the judging and the "Oh she thinks she's better than us" feelings that may well be there... but it's pretty clear you are feeding into the situation in a really bad and significant way by:

1. Dreading family events and hating going to them (there is no way your disdain for being there - no matter what legitimate reasons you have for feeling that way - is not coming through and coming across like a big giant sign that says "I SO do NOT want to be here!!!")

2. Overthinking and over-reacting to the mixed sentiments that others are expressing. You are being too reactive, too sensitive to it and probably taking it all too seriously.

Trust me, I say this from experience as someone who used to take everything literally, felt like I had to respond to every comment, and who would get stressed if I thought people were misunderstanding me. 2 things I learned:

1. Usually, in fact those people weren't "misunderstanding me" at all. THey were reading me exactly right, I just didn't want to admit it or couldn't see it. and

2. If I just focused on the fact that I was lucky I had a family to go home to, a family I was familiar with (the bad and the good!), and that I should be able to drum up the patience and gratitude to be kind - sincerely kind, not fake kind - for a weekend or a few days, then after a few family events things actually got a lot better.

They got better because **I** shiften **my** attitude, and it really needed shifting. So does yours.

Stop focusing so much on what they think of you, even if you are right about what they think of you. Focus instead on the good fortune in your life, and maybe also what was good about growing up where you did and with your family (there HAS to be some good). Don't be mad at those who don't understand you. Just focus on being lucky you have family events and look for some fun in them. When people act all offended that you didn't say hello, give them a warm smile and say "Hey, look around this room! It's so full! I'm slow but I am making my rounds and I would have gotten to you before the end for sure! How are you? How is Uncle/Cousin/your wife/husband/whoever?" Just be warm and not mad and not grumpy for being there, and most likely people's attitude towards you will shift for the better after awhile.

But I can only imagine what energy you dampen the room with when you arrive in this cloud of "Aaaaaaaaargh I really really REALLY don't want to be here!" It's probably written all over your face and probably your family is bothered or offended or put off by it. Not that you may not have good reason to not want to be there, but if you're going to go at all, try to significantly improve your attitude about going. And don't take things so personally, even if they're meant personally. That is a big piece of the "have a better time" puzzle.

[Anonymous]

My dad & aunt both moved to the "big city." Neither would ever move back to the place they grew up, but my dad loves to visit family and can be as down home as anyone else, while my aunt has a real chip about it that is very off-putting.

For example, she'll bring a bunch of foodstuffs that are available where she lives (but not down home) to a family beach trip, as though she's trying to make sure everyone knows what they're missing by not leaving the way she did.

I suspect she does it b/c she feels like she needs to justify her own choice, but it comes across like she's judging everyone else's -- she can't just eat grits for a week, she has to bring the specialty spread from the Upper West Side deli?

Your comment about how the road goes both ways makes me think maybe there's a part of you that, like my aunt, feels like you need them to appreciate your life now so they'll stop judging your choice.

I think you'd get a lot farther if you acknowledged you can't get [something -- barbeque, or scrapple, or whatever] where you live that's available where they live. Don't try to get them to appreciate where you are now, they don't need to like what you like to be happy that you're happy.