Reply to If you have a great relationship with your mom, how was your childhood?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Did she discipline you but still love you equally? Or not discipline at all?  Was she more like a best friend or a sister instead of a mom? Did you all have talks about your day daily? Could you always go to her?

How was your childhood / relationship with her and what do you think made you all so close today?

I have a 5 yo daughter, who I love dearly. She is a wonderful child with great manners and well behaved and loved by all. Yes I discipline her a bit (more than her father, who she adores and could do no wrong) but I am terrified that she will grow up and get annoyed with me or hate me. She already glares at me sometimes when I tell her to clean her room or to mind me for some reason.  I am not especially harsh on her and we get along great with walks and talks and butterflies, etc.

I just witnessed my best friends daughter who is 9 act the same way. She went up to her dad and sat with him on the side of the chair getting a hug. It melted my heart. Then my BFF stated that she is always like that with him because he never tells her no about anything and she does all of the disciplining.  She said it stabs her heart that she is not that way with her.

I am starting to see the same thing in my family and wondering if I should just be a BFF to my kid and stop disciplining? What do I do? Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated! [/quote]

This is going to be an unusual response, given the question, but I really want to share it.  I had an amazing, unbelievably positive relationship with my mom.  I also lost my mom to cancer when I was 16.  I'm sure I don't need to write how devastating that was - I was so close to her, although yes, she was the main disciplinarian, but I still adored her.  More on that in a moment.

In the years after losing her, I would come to understand that even though I only had her for those 16 yrs, I was one of the luckiest daughters ever because she was an astounding mom.  Let's put it this way: I have my issues, but even at 16, one thing I did NOT have to process was her abandoning me.  I knew, even at that still-pretty-young age, that my mom didn't choose to leave me, that she had no choice and that she loved me more than I could ever describe.  I still had to deal with my world turning upside down in many ways, but I never felt she left me, and I always knew and still know she loves me.

That said, she did discipline me.  And now, as the mother of a 5 yr old daughter myself, but also as someone who's worked in child welfare for more than 15 years, I understand that it's not the discipline that drives kids away... yes, when they're young, some kids do prefer the parent who is always easy, always "fun", and never disciplines.  But that is a conversation for you to have wiht your husband.  Sometimes you simply are not going to be the fun parent.  But your daughter should not at all grow up mad at you or with anger issues IF your discipline is always clear, fair, and never out of anger.  If you snap at your daughter or say little cutting things... that's a whole different story.  That's not about discipline, that's about being mean and that probably won't progress well later in life.  But I remember every single spanking I got (yes, I got spanked), but I also remember why and my mom explained to me why each time.  ANd when I think about the things I did... yeah, they were pretty bad those times.  I got it then, and I really really understand it now.  And even if I was mad or hurt in the moment, it never made me question whether she loved me.

So, I guess the last thing I'll say is this: my mom was incredibly kind, she trusted my judgement and gave me lots of opportunities to try things out and succeed/fail on my own, but she was always super supportive.  She bought me albums of bands that played music she couldn't stand, because I liked them (she did lyric checks though).  She encouraged me to wear what I wanted to (age-appropriate), but when I wanted to wear shoe laces in my hair, she said "go for it" and bought me more shoe laces.  But if I was unkind do someone, or I didn't listen, or I did something really bad, I absolutely got disciplined.

And then she passed away.  And right before the funeral, one of my best friends from high school found me in the bathroom at the funeral home sitting alone crying.  She came over and cried with me, and then said the most awful thing but it really put things in perspective for me: through her tears she said "Why did this happen to you?  You liked your mom!  Why couldn't it have been MY mom?"  And I just stopped, and realized, wow, even though I only had my mom for 16 years, I am still one of the luckiest kids in the world because she was amazing.  How heartbreaking that a girl would say that about their mom?  But her mom wasn't just strict, she could be mean, so that is where that came from.

Fair, clear, consistent discipline is good for a child.  It only gets ugly when you do it out of anger, exhaustion, insecurity, or some other thing that is not simply about what your child did that is seriously not ok.  Your daughter may prefer your husband because he's more fun and less serious, but trust me, when she's older she'll understand why you did what you did and appreciate you for it.  And maybe it's time to talk to your husband about what he lets her get away with and the impact on all 3 of you?

Take care OP, sorry this is so long!
[/quote]

I know its hormones pushing me over the edge, because I'm still BF and dealing with going back to work and pumping (I should call that thing the crying machine, it always releases this rush of hormonal feelings when I do it!) BUT, this made me truly tear up. Beautiful. My best friend lost her mom last year and is expecting her 1st child, it hits home and you are amazing for helping with your story.[/quote]

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