Thinking of detaching

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go with your own analogy. You said you try to act like a kindergarten teacher because your mother can be so childish. The part of that that is working is that you are staying calm and not being reduced to her emotional level. The part that is not working is that unlike a good kindergarten teacher, you are not prepared for the bad behavior that this child consistently displays and you are not enforcing immediate consequences for transgressions.

A PP's advice that you should never be in a situation where you cannot immediately get up and leave is spot on because it gives you an immediate consequence to reinforce the boundaries you are setting. When you go visit her, she does not plan the outings. You plan the outings. You stay in a hotel, you plan outings that your kids will enjoy with or without their grandmother, and you stick with your plan. If the plan does not work for her, then she is free not to show up and if she is free to show up and make a scene. If she does not show up, you will proceed with your day uninterrupted. If she shows up and make the scene, you and the children leave immediately and go back to your hotel to swim in the pool.

When she visits, she does not set the agenda. She stays in a hotel and you tell her what the plan is for the time that she is there. She does not come to your home and spend hours on end criticizing/commenting on every aspect of your life. You meet her at a kid friendly location where the children can enjoy themselves, you eat out at restaurants, and generally you do things on your terms in a way that works for you.

Again, if she makes a scene, you and the children leave without her. She should have a rental car or otherwise be capable of getting herself back to her own hotel room or house at all times. You need to set it up so that you can immediately withdraw your presence at a moments notice. When that happens, she no longer has the power to ruin your day or even your afternoon. You will have a calm, pleasant life. She will participate in your life in a calm and pleasant way or not at all. Those are the only two options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I found helpful is (well first I moved away) was setting boundaries. My relationship isn't as fraught as yours is, but still difficult and the horrible things my Mother would say to me after "a little wine" still hurt, though I've put them on the back burner. My Mom has issues, she deals with depression and anxiety and she drinks. She can be a lovely person, so it can be very confusing. We no longer stay at her house when I visit, instead with another family member. When she starts to tell my kids that what they've done isn't so good, and they aren't really very smart or talented, I'm gone. I visit 3 times a year and make regular phone calls. She tries to pit me against my brother or SIL (particularly my SIL) and I don't let her. I found Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers to be an interesting read - it helped me think about some things. Good luck to you.

Good for you! This sounds oddly familiar. Thanks for taking the time to share your story. I'll look into that book. I'm sorry we are veterans of the same war.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. Just want to say it is not up to you to solve this for your mom. Your responsibility is taking care of yourself and protecting your kids. Set boundaries and if she pushes them, she's out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP. Just want to say it is not up to you to solve this for your mom. Your responsibility is taking care of yourself and protecting your kids. Set boundaries and if she pushes them, she's out.

Thanks so much. Interesting development. She went to her general practitioner who took her dark and sardonic remarks seriously and he did a risk-assessment for suicide. He set her up with a psychiatrist and anti-anxiety meds. She feels quite validated by her new diagnosis and filled the prescriptions (plural). (Some crap happened in between, of course, which she called a nervous breakdown, but I am to call "her bad cold".)

I'm so relieved there are other people on deck now.

I called someone local who specializes in this kind of crap to help me navigate it, or leave it.

Sorry to use crap twice in 1 post. I'm out of eloquence.

[Anonymous]

"Her bad cold"! LOL! That's classic! Thanks for the update. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Her bad cold"! LOL! That's classic! Thanks for the update. Hugs!

One more update. She now plans to fly thousands of miles away to see my other sibling, because that sibling is "so good."

She will be leaving from my home for the visit out there.

"You may use my washer and dryer before you go so you have fresh clothes for the trip."

"Or you could take me shopping."

Buh-bye.