Letting go of feeling robbed after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here relate to the feeling that divorce, while you made a conscious decision to go through with it was never really a "choice."

For me, my ex essentially did nothing and lied about many other things for years. I'm upset that it feels like he robbed me of having a cohesive family. I know it's not logical since I left, but it feels like I had no choice. I would not have chosen this life, ever. He sure had me fooled from the beginning.

If you feel that way, it's best to go on with your life. Show your kids that you don't need to cling to a bad relationship. Yeah it sucks that he wasted your time but now you can prevent that from happening any more. Who knows? Maybe now you can find love on equal terma with someone who can truly appreciate you.

[Anonymous]

^^ sorry, "terms" not "terma"

[Anonymous]

I'm in the process of divorcing and I totally feel this way. It's not what I want in the abstract. I wanted a family with two parents, I wanted my kid to have a dad, I wanted to have a partner for life. But I discovered some major problems my ex had that left me no responsible choice but to divorce. I feel awful for my kid.

[Anonymous]

I get your point.

Even though people take the actual "action"of leaving a marriage, certain situations make it impossible to stay so there are situations where they literally have no choice but to leave.

So I agree, that yes, your logic does make sense. Complete sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel robbed of my thirties and then some, and financially robbed. He was a deadbeat loser in hindsight, and because I kept trying to make it work for years, I end up paying him way too much alimony for too many years. Getting ready to sign separation agreement this week, and he's making further demands and threats that could royally screw me more.

I need the strength to get thru this week and the next month, when he's to move out. Please, please can we get this signed so I can try and move on? What a HUGE mistake this whole marriage was......did I mention he'll pay no child support and asked for one week per year w kids?

At least he's moving out if state when he goes.

What? Do not sign that agreement.

No CS and a-hole gets only only 1 week with the kids is a great compromise if he's really this toxic.

The problem with the current custody climate is that the most likely way he'll pay no CS is 50/50 custody. Spare yourself and the kids. CS can always be requested at a later date if you need it. It is much harder to get the courts to reduce time with a toxic parent.

Before all the men's rights crowd chimes in, please note that I said toxic parent, not specifying any gender. Women can be toxic parents, too.

Did you miss the part where she not only gets no child support, but also has to pay alimony?

[Anonymous]

OP,
Years. Therapy helps. Find a family therapist, too, who will meet with you and your child's/children's father, to discuss parenting issues, if he'll agree. We did that. Essential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really went through this for a few years and then I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. I think its completely normal to feel this way. Today, one would expect me to hate my ex after everything that happened, but I honestly love him again. Even when he's not being kind in return. I am thankful for the good things that came from that relationship, (our child, life lessons i needed to learn, experiencing love). I forgive him and I love my life again. He moved on to another relationship soon after the breakup, which made me wonder for the a long time if he ever really cared.

I think this is a perfect time to figure out what you could have done better. For me, it was to value myself. To trust my gut. That guilt isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone. To speak up when my feelings were hurt and be vulnerable. That being vulnerable is showing strength, not a weakness. To forgive and/or move on faster. That I am strong enough to handle another relationship/marriage and still give it my all.

I believe my ex was one of the best things that ever happened to me and the next man will benefit from what I learned. I truly believe that, which is why I love the guy. And trust me, this is a guy who likes to portray me as the crazy ex. I used to be concerned about him trashing my reputation with his family, friends and SO, but I realized that its just insecurity on his part. Without him, I would still care way too much about what other people thought of me. I had to hit rock bottom to get to the point where I just didn't care anymore, but its so freeing.

I wish you the best, OP, and hope that you will open yourself to love again when you're ready.

The world would be a better place if your wisdom and self-compassion could be shared. I mean that.

Agree. I was just thinking this as I read the original post.

Wow, thanks PPs. Getting to this stage definitely took time.

I remember reading an affirmation: "I forgive you for not being who I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free." I used to struggle with that, because what I really wanted was revenge and for my ex to be punished for how he treated me. It took at least two years to say that without any resistance. Today, I look at him like a brother (oddly enough). We're family and always will be, for better or worse. I know that 80% of the time, he will be a decent human being, but he will have his moments. I know that sometimes, he just needs attention. His episodes have decreased dramatically since I've changed myself. From every few days to maybe 2-3 times a year.

For those who want an intact family, there's always the possibility of creating that with another man. You can still model a healthy marriage for your kids. When you're ready, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone here relate to the feeling that divorce, while you made a conscious decision to go through with it was never really a "choice."

For me, my ex essentially did nothing and lied about many other things for years. I'm upset that it feels like he robbed me of having a cohesive family. I know it's not logical since I left, but it feels like I had no choice. I would not have chosen this life, ever. He sure had me fooled from the beginning.

Yes. He wasn't brave enough to leave me so he just lied, cheated, and otherwise acted like a dick until I finally filed for divorce since he wouldn't. Yes, I feel robbed. I am angry on behalf of our children and it sucks to see how we struggle because he chose to be more concerned with his own needs and happiness than with his kids.

I think of it like a self defense killing. You didn't want to pull the trigger but you were forced to. I was forced to pull the trigger on my divorce and it makes me angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel robbed of my thirties and then some, and financially robbed. He was a deadbeat loser in hindsight, and because I kept trying to make it work for years, I end up paying him way too much alimony for too many years. Getting ready to sign separation agreement this week, and he's making further demands and threats that could royally screw me more.

I need the strength to get thru this week and the next month, when he's to move out. Please, please can we get this signed so I can try and move on? What a HUGE mistake this whole marriage was......did I mention he'll pay no child support and asked for one week per year w kids?

At least he's moving out if state when he goes.

What? Do not sign that agreement.

No CS and a-hole gets only only 1 week with the kids is a great compromise if he's really this toxic.

The problem with the current custody climate is that the most likely way he'll pay no CS is 50/50 custody. Spare yourself and the kids. CS can always be requested at a later date if you need it. It is much harder to get the courts to reduce time with a toxic parent.

Before all the men's rights crowd chimes in, please note that I said toxic parent, not specifying any gender. Women can be toxic parents, too.

Did you miss the part where she not only gets no child support, but also has to pay alimony?

alimony is not forever, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the process of divorcing and I totally feel this way. It's not what I want in the abstract. I wanted a family with two parents, I wanted my kid to have a dad, I wanted to have a partner for life. But I discovered some major problems my ex had that left me no responsible choice but to divorce. I feel awful for my kid.

I'm with you on this. Divorce is horrible, especially with kids. At one time, you loved this person, took a vow, and had dreams. But you have to move forward. Even when a divorce is necessary, the other party probably had good qualities. You will never forget the past, but you can learn to manage your feelings towards it.