How Do You Handle Seriously Selfish Parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And with this history you now expect those parents to be loving grandparents?

+1 You need to revise your expectations and grieve for your lost fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, try to put things in perspective. There's a lot worse than "seriously selfish." They could be vicious and destructive - that would be worse, right? Seriously selfish is really sad, but manageable.

Absolutely, they could have been murders or a host of other things. I am super responsible as a result of my upbringing but how do I turn off the sadness in my head? To the PP who asked about money/free childcare- that's a laughable thought. It's always a one way direction with them and they love to play mind games on me.

You have to choose to turn off the sadness in your head, which means emotionally disengaging from them. Obviously much easier said than done, but it's the only way to respond. If you have to cut off, or minimize, contact, then do so. Especially if they're playing mind games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not alone, OP. I look at my child and it blows my mind to think of the way they treated me when I was that age. I also am held back by what I lacked, and have no idea if it will ever get better. I am trying really, really hard to do right by my child, and I feel good about that. So that's something to focus on.

OP, I'm going through the same thing right now, and as my kids get older and reach different milestones, I keep getting hit with new realizations of my parent's selfishness. Let's call a spade a spade -- mine were down right neglectful, and I bet yours were too if this is still bothering you.

I disagree with several of the other posters about you needing to grow up, move on, and that there are worse things, like vicious and destructive. The trick about being selfish/neglectful is that someone can be subtle and therefore much more destructive or destructive for much longer to you than using more obvious forms of hurt.

If your body had some weird ache, wouldn't you pay attention to it? Same goes with this - ok, OP, your mind keeps dwelling on it. Well, then dwell on it. Dwell on it night and day! In all your free time! There's probably a ton of sadness that needs to be examined, felt, and released. There isn't a shortcut here.

[Anonymous]

Here's the problem --- you need to accept that something was wrong with them. You look at your beautiful and children and you wonder "What was wrong with ME? Why couldn't they love me?" You keep trying to find the flaw in yourself that made them not love you.

Stop that. it wasn't you. It was them.

Parenting skills are distributed on a bell curve, just like intelligence. Some people just crap out and draw parents who are way down on the left side of the curve.

You just crapped out. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem --- you need to accept that something was wrong with them. You look at your beautiful and children and you wonder "What was wrong with ME? Why couldn't they love me?" You keep trying to find the flaw in yourself that made them not love you.

Stop that. it wasn't you. It was them.

Parenting skills are distributed on a bell curve, just like intelligence. Some people just crap out and draw parents who are way down on the left side of the curve.

You just crapped out. Sorry.

I love your bell curve comment. I never thought of it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem --- you need to accept that something was wrong with them. You look at your beautiful and children and you wonder "What was wrong with ME? Why couldn't they love me?" You keep trying to find the flaw in yourself that made them not love you.

Stop that. it wasn't you. It was them.

Parenting skills are distributed on a bell curve, just like intelligence. Some people just crap out and draw parents who are way down on the left side of the curve.

You just crapped out. Sorry.

You're absolutely right. Wish it were easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem --- you need to accept that something was wrong with them. You look at your beautiful and children and you wonder "What was wrong with ME? Why couldn't they love me?" You keep trying to find the flaw in yourself that made them not love you.

Stop that. it wasn't you. It was them.

Parenting skills are distributed on a bell curve, just like intelligence. Some people just crap out and draw parents who are way down on the left side of the curve.

You just crapped out. Sorry.

Makes sense to me. OP, maybe you haven't really let go of wanting to change them yet. You need to grieve over not getting the parents you deserved. So sorry. But it sounds like you're a much better parent to your child.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

As opposed to comedically selfish parents?

(SOMEBODY had to!)