How Do You Handle Seriously Selfish Parents?

[Anonymous]

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents growing up but my parents were/are very self focused. I've tried very hard to get over it. I have a great husband and two great kids and I know that I am much luckier than many people out there given my other relationships. I'm an older adult and I wonder why it still bothers me so much and why I have had such a tough time getting over it. I mean I try not to dwell on it but probably think about it a few hours a week. I love my kids more than anything and I can't understand why my parents don't feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Better yet...how do you get over it. I mean I get through it but I just can't get over it so that it no longer bothers me anymore.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see them/ talk to them?

Perhaps seriously limiting contact is the way to go, so that you are not reminded of their navel-gazing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to grow up. If they were so self involved, I would bet that means you are self made? You need to congratulate yourself, enjoy the beautiful life you have created, on move on.

For all you know, they are jealous. I have seen it.

[Anonymous]

PP- I do that. I really keep them at a distance (talk to them once or twice a month) and emotionally insulate myself as much as humanly possible from them. I expect NOTHING from them- but acceptance of them as they are is really hurtful. I wish I could turn my emotions completely off when it comes to them. I feel sorry for myself and then I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because I know that in many other aspects of my life I am doing great.

[Anonymous]

Can you share some additional detail? You may very well have some supremely selfish parents, but given given the "I don't understand why my parents don't give us more time/money/free childcare/etc" posts on DCUM, sometimes it's hard to figure out when parents are really, truly very selfish, or re-defining the parent/child relationship as one more of equal peers as we become grownups.

That said, I have known some royally selfish people - these are people who a regular takers, and virtually non-existent givers. I don't understand people like this, and choose to limit my interactions with them. Sometimes they are, unfortunately, family members (siblings in my case). That's the only arrangement possible with self-serving, self-absorbed people.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone, OP. I look at my child and it blows my mind to think of the way they treated me when I was that age. I also am held back by what I lacked, and have no idea if it will ever get better. I am trying really, really hard to do right by my child, and I feel good about that. So that's something to focus on.

[Anonymous]

OP, try to put things in perspective. There's a lot worse than "seriously selfish." They could be vicious and destructive - that would be worse, right? Seriously selfish is really sad, but manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, try to put things in perspective. There's a lot worse than "seriously selfish." They could be vicious and destructive - that would be worse, right? Seriously selfish is really sad, but manageable.

Absolutely, they could have been murders or a host of other things. I am super responsible as a result of my upbringing but how do I turn off the sadness in my head? To the PP who asked about money/free childcare- that's a laughable thought. It's always a one way direction with them and they love to play mind games on me.

[Anonymous]

"To the PP who asked about money/free childcare- that's a laughable thought. It's always a one way direction with them and they love to play mind games on me. "

Cut off/limit contact with them. Is that really so difficult to figure out? Why would anyone continue a personal relationship with people that hurt them over and over again? It's insane. Cut your losses and move on.

[Anonymous]

You choose to turn it off. No one can tell you how or when. That is up to you.

[Anonymous]

Exactly how are they selfish?
You posted a characterization, not facts and details.

[Anonymous]

OP, can I gently suggest that some of your memories of your grandparents are filtered through childhood? That your belief that they were selfless and totally geared toward your needs is probably a little bit, well, untrue? That they appeared to be that way because that's how you took them? That it's easy to be a Sugar Daddy a few times a year?

Perhaps your parents are real to you in a way your grandparents are not. They have problems too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can I gently suggest that some of your memories of your grandparents are filtered through childhood? That your belief that they were selfless and totally geared toward your needs is probably a little bit, well, untrue? That they appeared to be that way because that's how you took them? That it's easy to be a Sugar Daddy a few times a year?

Perhaps your parents are real to you in a way your grandparents are not. They have problems too.

You have no idea. My grandparents did all the right things and they really stepped in when my parents were too preoccupied with their own things. They were involved in my life on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

And with this history you now expect those parents to be loving grandparents?