Brothers did not go to mother's funeral in their home town. Did they hate her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently. Brothers refused to claim her body from the hospital. Refused to sign the paperwork for the release. Did not show up for the funeral. So sad.

Actually, I'm pretty sure OP knows why. She doesn't say here that she doesn't know why, she just gives the most basic outline of a few facts and says how sad she is. But I'm pretty sure she knows the context, she's just choosing not to tell any of it.

I'm almost 50, and never ever ever in my life (and I work with families for a living as well as just having my own family and friends), never have I heard of anything like this where there is no reason. Kids are not wired to reject their parents, unless there have been a LOT of experiential negative situations in that history. Not saying it's the mom's fault, obviously we know nothing about the situation. Just saying 100% of the time that I've heard of this scenario (and I've heard it a lot in some form), when you unpack hte family history, there are very very clear reasons for it. And a lot of pain.

OP here: I have to guess about their reasons. I could speculate -- my guess -- greed and guilt play a role. I still cannot believe that they would just leave her body in the morgue. So sad. Then refusing her a burial by refusing to sign paperwork. Who knew it would be the state who helped? What did they think they were going to prove? They are not poor, or drug addicts who cannot act responsibly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently. Brothers refused to claim her body from the hospital. Refused to sign the paperwork for the release. Did not show up for the funeral. So sad.

Actually, I'm pretty sure OP knows why. She doesn't say here that she doesn't know why, she just gives the most basic outline of a few facts and says how sad she is. But I'm pretty sure she knows the context, she's just choosing not to tell any of it.

I'm almost 50, and never ever ever in my life (and I work with families for a living as well as just having my own family and friends), never have I heard of anything like this where there is no reason. Kids are not wired to reject their parents, unless there have been a LOT of experiential negative situations in that history. Not saying it's the mom's fault, obviously we know nothing about the situation. Just saying 100% of the time that I've heard of this scenario (and I've heard it a lot in some form), when you unpack hte family history, there are very very clear reasons for it. And a lot of pain.

OP here: I have to guess about their reasons. I could speculate -- my guess -- greed and guilt play a role. I still cannot believe that they would just leave her body in the morgue. So sad. Then refusing her a burial by refusing to sign paperwork. Who knew it would be the state who helped? What did they think they were going to prove? They are not poor, or drug addicts who cannot act responsibly.

Surely you must have more information than this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they were afraid to get stuck with the bill? Crass, but it happens.

I know friends who have rifts in their families, because their families see them as bankroll for major expenses, that's it. Of course, this is after their siblings blow through any money the parents had - so OF COURSE there is a rift.

My friends have paid for funerals (for example) in the past, but I would imagine not for long. The siblings can use the money they stole from the parents, as far as my friends are concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently. Brothers refused to claim her body from the hospital. Refused to sign the paperwork for the release. Did not show up for the funeral. So sad.

Actually, I'm pretty sure OP knows why. She doesn't say here that she doesn't know why, she just gives the most basic outline of a few facts and says how sad she is. But I'm pretty sure she knows the context, she's just choosing not to tell any of it.

I'm almost 50, and never ever ever in my life (and I work with families for a living as well as just having my own family and friends), never have I heard of anything like this where there is no reason. Kids are not wired to reject their parents, unless there have been a LOT of experiential negative situations in that history. Not saying it's the mom's fault, obviously we know nothing about the situation. Just saying 100% of the time that I've heard of this scenario (and I've heard it a lot in some form), when you unpack hte family history, there are very very clear reasons for it. And a lot of pain.

Actually some people have no real empathy for other people, whether it's family members who've sacrificed for them or anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they were afraid to get stuck with the bill? Crass, but it happens.

I know friends who have rifts in their families, because their families see them as bankroll for major expenses, that's it. Of course, this is after their siblings blow through any money the parents had - so OF COURSE there is a rift.

My friends have paid for funerals (for example) in the past, but I would imagine not for long. The siblings can use the money they stole from the parents, as far as my friends are concerned.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here: I have to guess about their reasons. I could speculate -- my guess -- greed and guilt play a role. I still cannot believe that they would just leave her body in the morgue. So sad. Then refusing her a burial by refusing to sign paperwork. Who knew it would be the state who helped? What did they think they were going to prove? They are not poor, or drug addicts who cannot act responsibly.

Why guess? Why not ask them? They could be assholes but, perhaps, they have legitimate grievances against your mother. My dad was horrific and there's no way in hell I would have claimed his body or pay for his funeral. I only attended the funeral because of my mother. Two of my brothers refused to go. I may have been a product of his biological act but that doesn't mean I owe him anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: I have to guess about their reasons. I could speculate -- my guess -- greed and guilt play a role. I still cannot believe that they would just leave her body in the morgue. So sad. Then refusing her a burial by refusing to sign paperwork. Who knew it would be the state who helped? What did they think they were going to prove? They are not poor, or drug addicts who cannot act responsibly.

Why guess? Why not ask them? They could be assholes but, perhaps, they have legitimate grievances against your mother. My dad was horrific and there's no way in hell I would have claimed his body or pay for his funeral. I only attended the funeral because of my mother. Two of my brothers refused to go. I may have been a product of his biological act but that doesn't mean I owe him anything.

Not answering their phones, emails. As I said, I could guess, but have not had a face to face talk with any of them. I am far out of town and flew in for the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: I have to guess about their reasons. I could speculate -- my guess -- greed and guilt play a role. I still cannot believe that they would just leave her body in the morgue. So sad. Then refusing her a burial by refusing to sign paperwork. Who knew it would be the state who helped? What did they think they were going to prove? They are not poor, or drug addicts who cannot act responsibly.

Why guess? Why not ask them? They could be assholes but, perhaps, they have legitimate grievances against your mother. My dad was horrific and there's no way in hell I would have claimed his body or pay for his funeral. I only attended the funeral because of my mother. Two of my brothers refused to go. I may have been a product of his biological act but that doesn't mean I owe him anything.

Not answering their phones, emails. As I said, I could guess, but have not had a face to face talk with any of them. I am far out of town and flew in for the funeral.

Not to be critical OP, but obviously there is dischord in your family. Even for busy adult siblings with their own kids, siblings are not usually so disconnected and out of contact. Whatever happened in your family, maybe the same reason you have no idea what's going on with your brothers, your brothers didn't want to have anythign to do with your mom. I'm the PP who said that in all my years of working with families, I've never met the family who did not speak to each other at all and didn things like not visit their parents ever in old age homes or skip the funeral without there being a TON of real drama, pain and crap.

I do not ask this to be critical, I ask this because since you raised it on a public message board, it would help paint the picture clearer: why are you so out of touch with your brothers? Why don't you speak to them regularly, or why don't they speak to you? And were you in regular touch with your mom before she died? What did she say about her relationship with your brothers?

Either you are totally disconnected from your family (which is interesting in itself), OR there is disconnect with your brothers. All of that makes your original question one that, the fact that you even have to ponder it here instead of being able to just ask them... dischord. Big dischord if they skipped your mom's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: I have to guess about their reasons. I could speculate -- my guess -- greed and guilt play a role. I still cannot believe that they would just leave her body in the morgue. So sad. Then refusing her a burial by refusing to sign paperwork. Who knew it would be the state who helped? What did they think they were going to prove? They are not poor, or drug addicts who cannot act responsibly.

Why guess? Why not ask them? They could be assholes but, perhaps, they have legitimate grievances against your mother. My dad was horrific and there's no way in hell I would have claimed his body or pay for his funeral. I only attended the funeral because of my mother. Two of my brothers refused to go. I may have been a product of his biological act but that doesn't mean I owe him anything.

Not answering their phones, emails. As I said, I could guess, but have not had a face to face talk with any of them. I am far out of town and flew in for the funeral.

Not to be critical OP, but obviously there is dischord in your family. Even for busy adult siblings with their own kids, siblings are not usually so disconnected and out of contact. Whatever happened in your family, maybe the same reason you have no idea what's going on with your brothers, your brothers didn't want to have anythign to do with your mom. I'm the PP who said that in all my years of working with families, I've never met the family who did not speak to each other at all and didn things like not visit their parents ever in old age homes or skip the funeral without there being a TON of real drama, pain and crap.

I do not ask this to be critical, I ask this because since you raised it on a public message board, it would help paint the picture clearer: why are you so out of touch with your brothers? Why don't you speak to them regularly, or why don't they speak to you? And were you in regular touch with your mom before she died? What did she say about her relationship with your brothers?

Either you are totally disconnected from your family (which is interesting in itself), OR there is disconnect with your brothers. All of that makes your original question one that, the fact that you even have to ponder it here instead of being able to just ask them... dischord. Big dischord if they skipped your mom's wedding.

Sorry, wedding obviously should be funeral. Also, you being very far away clearly is not a reason for no contact. In this age of email, facebook and skype, people who really want t o be in touch are, even if htey're on opposite sides of the planet.

[Anonymous]

Bullshit.

You know exactly why they didn't take care of her funeral arrangements and why they don't want to talk to you.

You're sort of manipulative and dishonest, aren't you? No wonder they don't want to deal with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bullshit.

You know exactly why they didn't take care of her funeral arrangements and why they don't want to talk to you.

You're sort of manipulative and dishonest, aren't you? No wonder they don't want to deal with you.

Says more about you than anything really.

[Anonymous]

Missing the funeral of your mother is HUGE. But it is on your brothers. They made the decision to not go to the funeral. They are responsible for what they did.

[Anonymous]

Ummm, why did *you* not go to your mother's funeral, OP? Surely she is your mother, correct? Blaming the brothers is seriously "burying the lede" to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, why did *you* not go to your mother's funeral, OP? Surely she is your mother, correct? Blaming the brothers is seriously "burying the lede" to me.

Oh, wait - reread the thread. Apologies - didn't go to private school. so my reading comprehension is off.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Why exactly did you post if you cannot provide some explanation?
It may be educated guesswork on your part, but without it we really cannot express any valid opinions or even meaningful sympathy. Of course in a ideal world children should attend their parents' funeral, but maybe there are extenuating circumstances for your siblings - obviously, you are trying to garner sympathy by withholding information.

I come from a very dysfunctional family with a neglectful and abusive matriarch, yet all the family turned out for her funeral. People who hated each other and her brushed sleeves in the church. It was... interesting.