Dating a man who is separated, what do I need to know?
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Anonymous
| DH was separated when we met and started dating. We've been together 11 years and going on 8 years of marriage. You have to be careful, but I wanted to chime in to say things can actually work out. |
Anonymous
| It definitely can work out -- it really all depends on the situation. I would say that you need to make sure that he really is separated (and his wife knows it…lol). Know that there is a bit of risk involved -- but isn't there always. Most men who divorce enter another serious relationship within six months. I am not saying that it's always a good relationship -- but they tend to jump in fast. Stay cynical until he is really divorced, but separated men are not always bad men. |
Anonymous
| Don't do it. |
Anonymous
|
All depends on what your intentions are. If you're just dating and not looking for any commitment any time in the near future, then fine. If you know you're moving out of the area in 6 months and want to have some casual fun, then fine.
But anything beyond that? Walk away. Tell him to call when the divorce is finalized. |
Anonymous
This. "You seem great but your life is in flux, I get that. I don't want to be wasted as your rebound. When you're in a more stable place, if you want to give it a try again, you have my number." If he's just in it for the sex he'll vanish when you take it off the table this way (and rightly so). If he's looking for more he'll respect you for it. |
Anonymous
| Run, girl, run! |
Anonymous
This. I'm the PP who got involved with someone separated. He thought he was emotionally ready to move on. He had moved out a year before. He initiated. But a few months later he realized he wasn't. We're still in touch..we'll see what happens when he's in a more stable place but he definitely needs some time to mourn, move on. |
Anonymous
| For the life of me, I cannot understand why separated and divorced people are in such a hurry to date. OP, he could be the greatest guy out there, but a mature person needs time to heal, learn what went wrong, including their part, and figure out who they are. None of us know his circumstances so be careful. Even between two amicable parties, divorce is gut wrenching. |
Anonymous
|
As a guy who went through this, I had put a lot of effort into personal counseling and couples counseling during the brief marriage. I knew what I wanted, and my ex was unwilling to work on her issues. After it reached the point where I gave her an ultimatum and we agreed to divorce, she moved out and away.
I started dating while I was separated because I was emotionally comfortable with myself and what had happened, and I knew that I wanted to be in a relationship and wanted to have children. The fact that I was only separated was a deal-breaker for some women. For others it wasn't. I started dating my DW before the divorce was finalized, and my being separated wasn't an issue for her. She understood where I was emotionally regarding my previous marriage, and the I was sufficiently over that relationship to date her. We're now married. This is a long way of saying it can work, and you should evaluate the guy based on his circumstances. While the warnings from DCUM are valid, you should use them to inform your decision, not instead of making your own decision. |
Anonymous
| Oh OP. Don't see him until he's divorced. This is embarrassing for you and him and his (ahem, probably never-to-be ex) wife. |
Anonymous
This, in Virginia as well. He'd been separated almost three years, had separation agreement, and child custody and support agreements in place, filed tax returns separately for two years. I'd seen all the paperwork. He was out 100% of that marriage. I would have been more wary if he'd been separated less than a year or so. |
Anonymous
| I was seperated with divorce papers filed when I met my now DH. He did have an issue with it, however for some bizzare reason my papers kept getting lost or misplaced in the courthouse, my lawyer had to re-file twice, no lie. My divorce did end up going through about 10 months after we started dating. I'd been separated and filed papers 18 months prior. According to my lawyer longest "simple" divorce ever! This was in MD |
Anonymous
|
I'm divorced and dated while separated. While my ex wasn't an issue, I was too new back on the dating scene and did not have my wits about me. I was easy prey b/c my ex was so horrible to me...that anybody with a smile and some compliments seemed like a prize. I was in counseling and had zero sexual feelings for my ex. It wasn't that -- it's just hard for some to transition from wife and mother to single dating mom. It was definitely a me issue and had nothing to do with wanting my ex back. We haven't touched or talked about getting back together since well before he moved out.
I dated someone separated and that didn't work out. For many of the reasons stated above. This guy got divorced while we were dating, but he had a lot of issues. Messy proceedings, he was depressed, money was a major stressor. We got along well and liked each other, but our timing was definitely off. Live and learn. My current BF I met thinking he was divorced. As it turns out he was separated for just under 2 years and got divorced a couple months after we met. He was ready for a relationship. You have to figure this person out and whether he is one of the guys who is ready, or if he's just looking for some companionship while he works his shit out. |
Anonymous
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Don't.
Tell him to call you when he's divorced. Don't hold your breath that you'll hear from thim then. |
Anonymous
I am married to DH and we started dating right after I got separated. But we had been friends for years beforehand and I was in serious therapy. We lived in separate cities for the first 8 months of dating so I had time and space to work through my baggage....which was of an asshole narcissist ex gross cheater. 
So it all really depends on his situation and emotional state. Best of luck. |