DH is the "fun" dad and acts like he is the better parent

[Anonymous]

OP, I had almost the exact same fight with my DH this evening. No advice, but lots of commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Likely they are both undermining each other. She likely makes subtle comments that puts down what dad does. She likely doesn't support him in whatever decisions he is making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So have you said to him calmly, "I feel undermined and set up to be the mean parent when you criticize me in front of the children. I don't think that is your intention. However it is the result. My hope is that we can be a team. Can we sit down and come up with some expectations around bedtimes, screen time and snacks that we can both communicate with the kids? I don't feel like I'm being the best mom I can be, and I need your help. Can we talk?"

Sure it is. You don't have to explain it to him because he already knows exactly what he's doing. They're kids -- they're easy to win over with soda and tv. You should tell your kids, "I love you too much to let you watch tv all day or drink soda with your lunch" or whatever (as long as you do sometimes let them have the things they want). I'm sure hey appreciate on some level that you are the one doing the real parenting.

Yikes. You want the Mom to basically tell her kids that she loves them more than their Dad does? Terrible advice and very petty.

No. She should say she doesn't allow them to drink soda every day with lunch etc. because she loves them. Where did the comparison with the dad come in? It's not a competition.

The OP has stated that the Dad *does* allow the children to drink soda and watch unlimited TV. If she says she doesn't allow it because she loves them, what does that say about how Dad feels? Kids aren't stupid.

[Anonymous]

Maybe DH is extra nice because he is compensating for mom yelling. Also if mom is yelling then dad stepping in is protecting his children not undermining mom. They need to have one adult who sticks up for them and shows them that they won't let them be yelled at.

[Anonymous]

My son refers to his father by his first name. People usually think he's talking about a peer. The boy is 4 years old and doesn't see his dad as a parent. The man lets him sit on the iPad, playing Angry Birds and takes him to McDonald's each visitation day. Sounds fun, right?

I make him do his homework and keep his room tidy. I make him take naps and brush his teeth. I'm his Mom. I also tickle him a lot and play with him frequently. Dad doesn't have a monopoly on fun.

Because we're divorced, I get to laugh off DX's criticism. I know he couldn't do what I do. That's why he hides behind the fun stuff.

The only way to de-throne your DH is to add a little fun into your dealings with the children. Reliable + fun is just unbeatable.

Breathe, Mama. Sneak in more fun time for yourself and the kids. Try to get some one-on-one time with each of them throughout the week. You rob yourself of the pleasure of motherhood by being exclusively The Responsible One.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe DH is extra nice because he is compensating for mom yelling. Also if mom is yelling then dad stepping in is protecting his children not undermining mom. They need to have one adult who sticks up for them and shows them that they won't let them be yelled at.

Being extra nice doesn't mean letting your kids do things that are bad for them. How is it protecting them to let them watch spend so much time playing video games that they fall apart? that's not very nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe DH is extra nice because he is compensating for mom yelling. Also if mom is yelling then dad stepping in is protecting his children not undermining mom. They need to have one adult who sticks up for them and shows them that they won't let them be yelled at.

Being extra nice doesn't mean letting your kids do things that are bad for them. How is it protecting them to let them watch spend so much time playing video games that they fall apart? that's not very nice.

By protecting them - I meant what mom is interpreting as undermining them. Maybe is is voicing disapproval when she is yelling. Just like when one speaks up if dad is yelling at the kids - it is protective in that it gives the kids the message that you will speak up for them, that they shouldn't be treated this way.

I don't think that giving them junk or no rules is good but that often happens when one parent is very strict, authoritarian and yells - the other parent becomes quite soft as they feel bad for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe DH is extra nice because he is compensating for mom yelling. Also if mom is yelling then dad stepping in is protecting his children not undermining mom. They need to have one adult who sticks up for them and shows them that they won't let them be yelled at.

Being extra nice doesn't mean letting your kids do things that are bad for them. How is it protecting them to let them watch spend so much time playing video games that they fall apart? that's not very nice.

By protecting them - I meant what mom is interpreting as undermining them. Maybe is is voicing disapproval when she is yelling. Just like when one speaks up if dad is yelling at the kids - it is protective in that it gives the kids the message that you will speak up for them, that they shouldn't be treated this way.

I don't think that giving them junk or no rules is good but that often happens when one parent is very strict, authoritarian and yells - the other parent becomes quite soft as they feel bad for the kid.

Not the pp, but you make some very valid points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My son refers to his father by his first name. People usually think he's talking about a peer. The boy is 4 years old and doesn't see his dad as a parent. The man lets him sit on the iPad, playing Angry Birds and takes him to McDonald's each visitation day. Sounds fun, right?

I make him do his homework and keep his room tidy. I make him take naps and brush his teeth. I'm his Mom. I also tickle him a lot and play with him frequently. Dad doesn't have a monopoly on fun.

Because we're divorced, I get to laugh off DX's criticism. I know he couldn't do what I do. That's why he hides behind the fun stuff.

The only way to de-throne your DH is to add a little fun into your dealings with the children. Reliable + fun is just unbeatable.

Breathe, Mama. Sneak in more fun time for yourself and the kids. Try to get some one-on-one time with each of them throughout the week. You rob yourself of the pleasure of motherhood by being exclusively The Responsible One.

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say spend a weekend away with friends and let him take over and deal with it all. So he understands.

Her need to micromanage his interactions with the children won't allow her to do this. She needs to relax. Dad sounds fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here...I think I am sad because i don't have much fun with the kids.I am spending all my time cooking/cleaning/doing laundry..i.e., getting everything done. I just hate the dynamic that DH plays with kids while I make dinner. I need to change this. And I do yell too much but he never disciplines them. When they have bad behavior, he usually waits for me to deal with them. I have been better about that lately - I insist he do some discipline. I just hate that he seems to have sided with the kids and against me. He doesn't correct them when they call me names. I have to actually point out in front of them - that wasn't right; why aren't you correcting the child?

[Anonymous]

OP here..Here is a silly, small example. I don't let the kids play with the tiny bouncy rubber balls in the house except in their room (sometimes)..I went to store. DH lets them play in main room. (I have lots of nice glassware up above cabinets in kitchen I don't want broken)...And sure enough, the ball hits and breaks the chandelier. He tells kids not to tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here..Here is a silly, small example. I don't let the kids play with the tiny bouncy rubber balls in the house except in their room (sometimes)..I went to store. DH lets them play in main room. (I have lots of nice glassware up above cabinets in kitchen I don't want broken)...And sure enough, the ball hits and breaks the chandelier. He tells kids not to tell me.

Okay, then you are parenting an extra child. It is an unhealthy dynamic that needs to stop. Therapy, stat. By the week's end, you need to both be grown-ups and get an appointment with a good therapist. Even if he chooses not to go, you need to. Figure out what you need to do with childcare and paying for it. Just do it. If you choose not to do this OP, then you are contributing to the problem, not solving it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here..Here is a silly, small example. I don't let the kids play with the tiny bouncy rubber balls in the house except in their room (sometimes)..I went to store. DH lets them play in main room. (I have lots of nice glassware up above cabinets in kitchen I don't want broken)...And sure enough, the ball hits and breaks the chandelier. He tells kids not to tell me.

WTF. Okay,there is some stereotype about the fun dad/strict mom role (there was an old Modern Family episode about this with Claire and Phil that was actually funny when they switch places for a day) but the line is where you undermine the other parent ...especially in front of the kids. The kids will leave the house one day (God willing) and you still should have a strong marriage left. I get upset when I hear the kids getting my husband upset because i love my husband and don't want to see him upset. It would never occur to me to use this as a chance to get my kids to like me more and see me as the fun one, nor would my husband want that if the kids werent listening/behaving for me. If you don't agree with the reason the spouse is getting upset, you don't discuss it in front of the kids, you provide a united front in that moment and discuss it later.

In the case with the bouncy ball, if you DH let the kids play with it, especially knowing you do not, and something broke he needs to take the fall on that one. He was the parent in charge and gave permission/allowed it. I'm personally not a fan of playing with balls in the house but if he is going to allow it he needs to move the breakable items out of the room. This is one of those things that should have been discussed and he explains why he thinks it is a good idea to play with balls in the house (maybe his parents allowed him to do so and it was fine or he didnt get to do anything and thinks that caused home to rebel more) and you explain why you think they shouldn't (I.e. breakable items) and see what you can agree on that addresses both of your underlying concerns and each backs the other up with the kids. If you can't do this on your own, get a counselor involved.

My parents did not see eye to eye on raising us and I think the both had good ideas, they each needed to bend a little and find the compromise. Because my mom always had/wanted the control, there was a sense that she didn't respect my dad as a parent and almost like she was better educated/knew more of the world than he did. My dad in turn would act immature and put us in the middle of his disagreements with my mom. He would make snide comments if my mom let us do something he didnt agree with like if we went to XYZ camp .." I don't know why your mother is letting you go to that rich kid camp, you would be fine at x" and yelling complaining to us when my mom would either sign him up to do something like bring us to x or when we were told by my mom to ask if he could bring us to a party " oh, you only come to me when you want something..." I think I became such a good reader because I dreaded asking to go anywhere, it started WWIII in our house ...reading was free and I could get books from the library at school and the one place my mom would bring us was the library. Once I was older, out of the house with kids of my own, I realized my dad was acting out of frustration with my mom and he admitted to not handling things well. One of my siblings sided with my dad but for her things were different because my dad straight out did what he wanted and would get into an argument with my mom afterwards. The last sibling I felt the worst for because by that time neither parent wanted the argument so they both let her do what she wanted and then both would argue with each other/put her in the middle because she became very spoiled/entitled.

First step is you both need to agree not to put the kids in the middle, that you are committed to working together, and that neither parent has all the answers and you both have something to contribute. If division of labor is one of the underlying issues/sources of your resentment, you both need to address that also. Realize as your kids get older they should be helping out more, not that you are all but cutting the meat for them then complaining how much work you have to do including cutting up the kids food.

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks for all the advice.

I feel better.

we are going to go to counseling. He told me he wants to do this last week. I am reluctant because he seems like he is blaming me for everything. When I tell him, you are undermining me and pitting the kids against me, he acts oblivious. His main thing is my yelling. My main thing is he is very passive and sets me up for failure. He makes me do all the heavy lifting and wonders why I am exhausted and frustrated. He says I am not in a good mood.