DH is the "fun" dad and acts like he is the better parent

[Anonymous]

DH and I have three school age kids. I am sad lately. DH has always criticized my parenting. I yell too much and I am stricter than him, but I try hard. I take kids to all their doctors appointments and activities and volunteer at the school. I make healthy lunches and dinners. I like to have a set bedtime. I limit video games and encourage reading. DH, when he is watching kids, let them have soda with lunch and watch tv during lunch. He thinks unlimited video games is okay even though he knows this leads to the kids having meltdowns. He thinks I am too strict about bedtime. Anyhow, the kids like him better. THis makes me sad. Plus DH is always sort of putting me down in a subtle way. He just acts like he is the better parent. He has time to play with kids because I am always making dinner/doing laundry. Just wanted to vent.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I'd trade in some if my ideals for a more satisfying relationship with my kids. Maybe because I'm a single mom of three with no help unless I pay for it, I've had to figure out what really matters. And I'd trade healthy lunches for baloney sandwiches if it got me a board game with my kids. I don't want to grow old and wish I had figured out how to relax and enjoy my family so I am figuring it out as I go.

[Anonymous]

I say spend a weekend away with friends and let him take over and deal with it all. So he understands.

[Anonymous]

So have you said to him calmly, "I feel undermined and set up to be the mean parent when you criticize me in front of the children. I don't think that is your intention. However it is the result. My hope is that we can be a team. Can we sit down and come up with some expectations around bedtimes, screen time and snacks that we can both communicate with the kids? I don't feel like I'm being the best mom I can be, and I need your help. Can we talk?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say spend a weekend away with friends and let him take over and deal with it all. So he understands.

What good would that do? The kids would stay up until 11, eat crap and the house would be a mess. He say, "That was a piece of cake! I'm super dad!" The wife would be left getting cranky kids ready for a hell week at school.

[Anonymous]

OP,
You yell too much?
Can you afford a cleaning service?
Can you try and have fun?
You sound depressed, are you enjoying your children?
Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So have you said to him calmly, "I feel undermined and set up to be the mean parent when you criticize me in front of the children. I don't think that is your intention. However it is the result. My hope is that we can be a team. Can we sit down and come up with some expectations around bedtimes, screen time and snacks that we can both communicate with the kids? I don't feel like I'm being the best mom I can be, and I need your help. Can we talk?"

Sure it is. You don't have to explain it to him because he already knows exactly what he's doing. They're kids -- they're easy to win over with soda and tv. You should tell your kids, "I love you too much to let you watch tv all day or drink soda with your lunch" or whatever (as long as you do sometimes let them have the things they want). I'm sure hey appreciate on some level that you are the one doing the real parenting.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat OP. I hate it. I'm the mean mom, he's the calm as a cucumber dad. Nothing gets to him because he never gets in the trenches. Just this morning I lost my shit and I finally yelled at HIM. I said/yelled, "I'm not mad at her. She's a child. I'm mad at YOU because you're sitting there doing absolutely nothing while I'm struggling. GET OFF YOUR ASS." It worked for today. Tomorrow will be a whole new story. FWIW, I work full time too.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you also think you are the better parent.

Yelling at your kids isn't good parenting, having fun with your kids is good parenting. Having some structure and expectations is good parenting, letting your kids do whatever they want isn't good parenting. It sounds like you are both pulling to extremes rather than coming together.

A lot of adults I know have a better relationship with the parent that could have fun, was more flexible and more relaxed, and a poorer relationship with the strict parent who yelled all the time.

Likely if you can start to see and appreciate the positives in Dhs parenting, he will be more willing to see the positives in your parenting and compromise. If the option is to keep doing what he is doing or change and do it your way, he is going to stick to his way because he isn't you and doesn't want to parent like you, anymore than you want to parent like him.

Often once you start to validate, respect and appreciate someone, they do the same thing back. Since you are the one posting, I would suggest you start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you also think you are the better parent.

Yelling at your kids isn't good parenting, having fun with your kids is good parenting. Having some structure and expectations is good parenting, letting your kids do whatever they want isn't good parenting. It sounds like you are both pulling to extremes rather than coming together.

A lot of adults I know have a better relationship with the parent that could have fun, was more flexible and more relaxed, and a poorer relationship with the strict parent who yelled all the time.

Likely if you can start to see and appreciate the positives in Dhs parenting, he will be more willing to see the positives in your parenting and compromise. If the option is to keep doing what he is doing or change and do it your way, he is going to stick to his way because he isn't you and doesn't want to parent like you, anymore than you want to parent like him.

Often once you start to validate, respect and appreciate someone, they do the same thing back. Since you are the one posting, I would suggest you start.

PP, I appreciate where you're coming from. But I don't think why OP has described is a situation where taking "the high road" is warranted. It is ugly when one parent undermines the other. A come-to-Jesus is in order here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So have you said to him calmly, "I feel undermined and set up to be the mean parent when you criticize me in front of the children. I don't think that is your intention. However it is the result. My hope is that we can be a team. Can we sit down and come up with some expectations around bedtimes, screen time and snacks that we can both communicate with the kids? I don't feel like I'm being the best mom I can be, and I need your help. Can we talk?"

Sure it is. You don't have to explain it to him because he already knows exactly what he's doing. They're kids -- they're easy to win over with soda and tv. You should tell your kids, "I love you too much to let you watch tv all day or drink soda with your lunch" or whatever (as long as you do sometimes let them have the things they want). I'm sure hey appreciate on some level that you are the one doing the real parenting.

Yikes. You want the Mom to basically tell her kids that she loves them more than their Dad does? Terrible advice and very petty.

[Anonymous]

Counseling. You need a neutral third party to help you both negotiate this. Sounds like you're both pissed off at each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Counseling. You need a neutral third party to help you both negotiate this. Sounds like you're both pissed off at each other.

Counseling before a calm and reasonable sit down discussion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So have you said to him calmly, "I feel undermined and set up to be the mean parent when you criticize me in front of the children. I don't think that is your intention. However it is the result. My hope is that we can be a team. Can we sit down and come up with some expectations around bedtimes, screen time and snacks that we can both communicate with the kids? I don't feel like I'm being the best mom I can be, and I need your help. Can we talk?"

Sure it is. You don't have to explain it to him because he already knows exactly what he's doing. They're kids -- they're easy to win over with soda and tv. You should tell your kids, "I love you too much to let you watch tv all day or drink soda with your lunch" or whatever (as long as you do sometimes let them have the things they want). I'm sure hey appreciate on some level that you are the one doing the real parenting.

Yikes. You want the Mom to basically tell her kids that she loves them more than their Dad does? Terrible advice and very petty.

No. She should say she doesn't allow them to drink soda every day with lunch etc. because she loves them. Where did the comparison with the dad come in? It's not a competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you also think you are the better parent.

Yelling at your kids isn't good parenting, having fun with your kids is good parenting. Having some structure and expectations is good parenting, letting your kids do whatever they want isn't good parenting. It sounds like you are both pulling to extremes rather than coming together.

A lot of adults I know have a better relationship with the parent that could have fun, was more flexible and more relaxed, and a poorer relationship with the strict parent who yelled all the time.

Likely if you can start to see and appreciate the positives in Dhs parenting, he will be more willing to see the positives in your parenting and compromise. If the option is to keep doing what he is doing or change and do it your way, he is going to stick to his way because he isn't you and doesn't want to parent like you, anymore than you want to parent like him.

Often once you start to validate, respect and appreciate someone, they do the same thing back. Since you are the one posting, I would suggest you start.

Likely they are both undermining each other. She likely makes subtle comments that puts down what dad does. She likely doesn't support him in whatever decisions he is making.

PP, I appreciate where you're coming from. But I don't think why OP has described is a situation where taking "the high road" is warranted. It is ugly when one parent undermines the other. A come-to-Jesus is in order here.