Reply to DH is the "fun" dad and acts like he is the better parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here..Here is a silly, small example.  I don't let the kids play with the tiny bouncy rubber balls in the house except in their room (sometimes)..I went to store.  DH lets them play in main room.  (I have lots of nice glassware up above cabinets in kitchen I don't want broken)...And sure enough, the ball hits and breaks the chandelier.  He tells kids not to tell me.[/quote]

WTF.  Okay,there is some stereotype about the  fun dad/strict mom role (there was an old Modern Family episode about this with Claire and Phil that was actually funny when they switch places for a day) but the line is where you undermine the other parent ...especially in front of the kids.  The kids will leave the house one day (God willing) and you still should have a strong marriage left.  I get upset when I hear the kids getting my husband upset because i love my husband and don't want to see him upset.  It would never occur to me to use this as a chance to get my kids to like me more and see me as the fun one, nor would my husband want that if the kids werent listening/behaving for me.   If you don't agree with the reason the spouse is getting upset, you don't discuss it in front of the kids, you provide a united front in that moment and discuss it later.

In the case with the bouncy ball, if you DH let the kids play with it, especially knowing you do not, and something broke he needs to take the fall on that one.  He was the parent in charge and gave permission/allowed it.  I'm personally not a fan of playing with balls in the house but if he is going to allow it he needs to move the breakable items out of the room.  This is one of those things that should have been discussed and he explains why he thinks it is a good idea to play with balls in the house (maybe his parents allowed him to do so and it was fine or he didnt get to do anything and thinks that caused home to rebel more) and you explain why you think they shouldn't (I.e. breakable items) and see what you can agree on that addresses both of your underlying concerns and each backs the other up with the kids.  If you can't do this on your own, get a counselor involved.

My parents did not see eye to eye on raising us and I think the both had good ideas, they each needed to bend a little and find the compromise.  Because my mom always had/wanted the control, there was a sense that she didn't respect my dad as a parent and almost like she was better educated/knew more of the world than he did.  My dad in turn would act immature and put us in the middle of his disagreements with my mom.  He would make snide comments if my mom let us do something he didnt agree with like if we went to XYZ camp .." I don't know why your mother is letting you go to that rich kid camp, you would be fine at x" and yelling complaining to us when my mom would either sign him up to do something like bring us to x or when we were told by my mom to ask if he could bring us to a party " oh, you only come to me when you want something..."  I think I became such a good reader because I dreaded asking to go anywhere, it started WWIII in our house ...reading was free and I could get books from the library at school and the one place my mom would bring us was the library.  Once I was older, out of the house with kids of my own, I realized my dad was acting out of frustration with my mom and he admitted to not handling things well.  One of my siblings sided with my dad but for her things were different because my dad straight out did what he wanted and would get into an argument with my mom afterwards.  The last sibling I felt the worst for because by that time neither parent wanted the argument so they both let her do what she wanted and then both would argue with each other/put her in the middle because she became very spoiled/entitled.

First step is you both need to agree not to put the kids in the middle, that you are committed to working together, and that neither parent has all the answers and you both have something to contribute.  If division of labor is one of the underlying issues/sources of your resentment, you both need to address that also.  Realize as your kids get older they should be helping out more, not that you are all but cutting the meat for them then complaining how much work you have to do including cutting up the kids food.[/quote]

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