How to tell DH bad news--I messed up big time

[Anonymous]

If my husband screwed around finantially, it would count as debt accrued while we were married. If I divorced him over it, I'd still have to pay "my" share of the debt even if I had nothing to do with acquiring it. If I stayed with him, I'd not get something I wanted be it a nice trip, or just having the ability to eat out more often or buy something I wanted. If he screwed around sexually, it wouldn't incur a debt, and there'd be nothing "extra" to pay off ina divorce settlement. If I could prove adultery, I'd even stand to make some money. Humans have only been expected to be sexually faithful to one partner within the last 50 years or so. Before that, if nothing else,men could always hit up the local whore house. I'd be way more forgiving of sexual screwing around, especially if I hadn't been meeting my husband's needs as a lover. Finantial screwing around means one person gets what they want, with the expectation that the other spouse will just live with the fall-out and even clean it up, using assets and skills that wouldn't be there if the finantially bad person wasn't married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you miss a payment on something? I agree, coming clean is best - and figure out how to avoid it in the future through automated payments etc. If it is a missed payment, you might want to check if they've reported it - I know a lot of places wait 30-45+ days to report. GL.

If your financial situation is tenuous and varies from month to month, auto-pay will get you into trouble more often than it will get you out of trouble. Forgetting to pay a bill is unfortunate but fixable; "bouncing" an auto-pay is quite a more serious thing entirely.

Signed,

A bankruptcy attorney

+1. Lawyer for financial services company here. Even though I use online baking to pay bills, I like having the "float" associated with having to go in and direct payment of the bill. I can control timing and such.

With respect to OP: Come clean, apologize, talk about mitigation strategies and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you miss a payment on something? I agree, coming clean is best - and figure out how to avoid it in the future through automated payments etc. If it is a missed payment, you might want to check if they've reported it - I know a lot of places wait 30-45+ days to report. GL.

If your financial situation is tenuous and varies from month to month, auto-pay will get you into trouble more often than it will get you out of trouble. Forgetting to pay a bill is unfortunate but fixable; "bouncing" an auto-pay is quite a more serious thing entirely.

Signed,

A bankruptcy attorney

+1. Lawyer for financial services company here. Even though I use online baking to pay bills, I like having the "float" associated with having to go in and direct payment of the bill. I can control timing and such.

With respect to OP: Come clean, apologize, talk about mitigation strategies and move forward.

I'm the same way re: auto pay and only have one bill auto deducted (car insurance, for the auto pay discount) but I'm curious why letting an auto pay bounce is worse than just forgetting to pay it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you miss a payment on something? I agree, coming clean is best - and figure out how to avoid it in the future through automated payments etc. If it is a missed payment, you might want to check if they've reported it - I know a lot of places wait 30-45+ days to report. GL.

If your financial situation is tenuous and varies from month to month, auto-pay will get you into trouble more often than it will get you out of trouble. Forgetting to pay a bill is unfortunate but fixable; "bouncing" an auto-pay is quite a more serious thing entirely.

Signed,

A bankruptcy attorney

+1. Lawyer for financial services company here. Even though I use online baking to pay bills, I like having the "float" associated with having to go in and direct payment of the bill. I can control timing and such.

With respect to OP: Come clean, apologize, talk about mitigation strategies and move forward.

I'm the same way re: auto pay and only have one bill auto deducted (car insurance, for the auto pay discount) but I'm curious why letting an auto pay bounce is worse than just forgetting to pay it?

When you bounce a payment or check your bank will hit you with fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great advice above.

I totally screwed up when my DH went from being an employee to a partner in his firm. I didn't know we had to pay quarterlies and that they were not deducted from his pay like taxes are when an employee. He was paying into the partnership and I assumed the money going out the door was for taxes, not to invest in the partnership.
We got socked with penalties. ugh!

OP, just for curiosity's sake and also because it will make a difference, was it accidental and/or neglect, or was it a bad decision (like gambling or a shopping spree or getting sucked in by loaning money to a relative or friend)

Years ago, my cousin's sketchy boyfriend bilked her out of all her savings. She beat herself up over it, but her (now) husband said, "You learned a lesson, and sometimes lessons cost money."

I love that saying because it's true. If you show you've learned your lesson, that goes a long way.