How to tell DH bad news--I messed up big time
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Anonymous
| I need to tell DH about something I did that was bad for us financially--not something that will have permanent consequences, but in the short term will mean delaying some things. I've just been very overwhelmed and anxious the last year and haven't been on top of things and it's damaged our credit. Any ideas on how to soften the message? |
Anonymous
| A plan to fix it? But coming clean ASAP is the best policy. |
Anonymous
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Yeah just do it quickly. And don't get defensive if he gets upset. Just be honest and mature about it. Don't blame it on anyone else.
Your script: Here's what I did. Here's how I have tried to fix it. Here's whatim going to do so this doesn't happen again. |
Anonymous
| Did you miss a payment on something? I agree, coming clean is best - and figure out how to avoid it in the future through automated payments etc. If it is a missed payment, you might want to check if they've reported it - I know a lot of places wait 30-45+ days to report. GL. |
Anonymous
| OP - if it makes you feel better, the first year we were married I forgot to mail our taxes in April. We filed, just didn't pay them until I remembered in May. I was so scared to tell DH, but he handled it really calmly. |
Anonymous
Missing here: the apology. I am sorry, not just because of the financial ramifications but because it harms him/family. Of course, if you say this you really should be sorry .... |
Anonymous
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Great advice above.
I totally screwed up when my DH went from being an employee to a partner in his firm. I didn't know we had to pay quarterlies and that they were not deducted from his pay like taxes are when an employee. He was paying into the partnership and I assumed the money going out the door was for taxes, not to invest in the partnership. We got socked with penalties. ugh! OP, just for curiosity's sake and also because it will make a difference, was it accidental and/or neglect, or was it a bad decision (like gambling or a shopping spree or getting sucked in by loaning money to a relative or friend) Years ago, my cousin's sketchy boyfriend bilked her out of all her savings. She beat herself up over it, but her (now) husband said, "You learned a lesson, and sometimes lessons cost money." I love that saying because it's true. If you show you've learned your lesson, that goes a long way. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the 'list' provided by a PP plus the apology. My DH is the one who makes poor decisions that negatively impact us financially. What I find most frustrating about it is that he doesn't tell me up front what's happened. He tries to fix it, or intends to fix it. It doesn't get fixed. He avoids thinking about it, doesn't tell me and when it all comes out (which is always does), it's a huge fucking mess that just hasn't impacted us financially, it's damaged our relationship because he lied to me or didn't tell me the full truth. I would much, much rather know about it up front. |
Anonymous
| One more thing, OP (from experience) -- you can mention ONE TIME that you've felt overwhelmed, anxious, etc. in the last year, but please do not harp on this to your DH as an excuse. It may be true but no one wants to hear that. You're still responsible for what you did. Just promise to take concrete steps to improve the situation in 2014 -- and then do so. |
Anonymous
If your financial situation is tenuous and varies from month to month, auto-pay will get you into trouble more often than it will get you out of trouble. Forgetting to pay a bill is unfortunate but fixable; "bouncing" an auto-pay is quite a more serious thing entirely. Signed, A bankruptcy attorney |
Anonymous
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This happened to me too. Just come clean like the PP said, apologize profusely and then tell him your plan and put it into action.
Then move on. Everyone makes mistakes. |
Anonymous
PP here. Just to add to that, auto-pay will often put people into the bad habit of not actually looking at their bills, just looking at the "Total Amount Due," which means that they can be billing you incorrectly (happens all the time) and you'll never notice it. Personally, I ended up paying for months and months of a premium cable channel this way -- got the charges reversed but it took an hour out of my life on the phone that I'll never get back. |
Anonymous
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From the title of this thread I thought it was going to be an infidelity.
(Just to keep in perspective that whatever you did, it could've been a lot worse.) |
Anonymous
I dunno. For a couple with HHI of $50k, making a $10k mistake like getting getting a DUI can do as much harm if not more than a meaningless one-night stand. Even worse than a one-time slipup in the sexual department is a consistent pattern of overspending. |
Anonymous
Uh no, I would divorce my spouse if he cheated. I works lose all respect. A Dui or overspending we could fix. |