WHY does my DH expect me to thank him profusely for any chore he does around the house?

[Anonymous]

Why does your husband expect profuse thanks for doing chores? Because he is a self centered asshole.

My experience has been that if there is a quality about your intended spouse that really bothers you before you get married, such that you have to say that you don't want to marry unless there will be a 50/50 partnership, you are kidding yourself if you expect that marriage and children will magically erase that quality. I would have laid down the law at the hint of "housework is woman's work" because for me, that would have been a dealbreaker. My issue with my ex was that I naively expected that he would become less of a workaholic when we got married and had children. Predictably, that did not happen.

Your husband believes that his only responsibility as a member of your family is to bring home money and impregnate you. You are responsible for everything else. I bet he's a lazy lover too. Good luck with your divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My first question is, why are you cleaning the toilets several times per week?

Because my husband spits gelatinous, glue-like lugies in them, pees all over the seats, and leaves skidmarks in them.

Why are you not already gone, troll?

Because I'm not a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband expect profuse thanks for doing chores? Because he is a self centered asshole.

My experience has been that if there is a quality about your intended spouse that really bothers you before you get married, such that you have to say that you don't want to marry unless there will be a 50/50 partnership, you are kidding yourself if you expect that marriage and children will magically erase that quality. I would have laid down the law at the hint of "housework is woman's work" because for me, that would have been a dealbreaker. My issue with my ex was that I naively expected that he would become less of a workaholic when we got married and had children. Predictably, that did not happen.

Your husband believes that his only responsibility as a member of your family is to bring home money and impregnate you. You are responsible for everything else. I bet he's a lazy lover too. Good luck with your divorce lawyer.

You are spot on.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried stopping all of the stuff you do? do the daycare dropoff and make sure the kid gets fed and dressed and cleaned, but stop ALL housework, chores.

Give it a few weeks. And see how he responds.

He behaves the way he does because you enable it.

In pretty much every situation I've encountered where a friend or family member insists the other spouse does no housework, it's partly because the one doing the housework doesn't give them an opportunity (usually they are partly clean freaks).

If you have already threatened divorce and he didn't take it seriously, that tells me that he doesn't believe you. You need to show him that you are serious about your frustration. So not doing any housework for 3 weeks would send a message that you are done with the status quo.

But you have to follow it through.

[Anonymous]

OP. Here's what you do. Refuse to clean. I tried to have this talk with DH about him contributing to the household upkeep and it just wasnt working.

Mind you I work longer hours and commute further for work than he does. We live in Alexandria. His job is 5 minutes from the house and I commute into DC.

In general I'm a tidy person as dirt and clutter bother me. It got to the point where I told him that I was not his maid. If you are buttering some toast and you drop some butter and or jelly from the knife onto the floor for goodness sakes clean it up!

So, I went on a cleaning strike. I have not lifted a finger in over a year. Well, I do clean up after myself and DS but not after DH.

This means that the place generally stays messy and it is embarassing to have guests over.

Every week or two DH will clean up his massive mess and then proceed to complain about the fact that he has to clean.

You have to put your foot down OP. If you let him treat you this way he will. Just stop cleaning.

[Anonymous]

There was a nytimes article about how the solution is to just lower your standard and stop cleaning the house.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband is a jerk. That's why.

[Anonymous]

Um, stop cleaning?

Let him figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Second getting a cleaning service. And if he can't find the money for the cleaning service tell him you are canceling the cable/Internet to save the money for the cleaning service. Or he can help clean. He's acting like a child so give him select choices like a child.

[Anonymous]

Wow - is it really that difficult and objectionable to say thank you?

Sure, your DH is being childish. However, I have learned that with my DH, a "thank you" or a "it looks nice" ramps up his enthusiasm about the task. Now, I do not even have to mention that the task needs to be done and I do not have to thank him anymore.

Positive reinforcement is just not for kids. LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll or not, I can completely relate. Dh always has to point out if he did anything in the house. He wants praise like a child, it's annoying as hell.

+1. My DH also does the "notice anything" bit; it makes me so incredibly angry.

You must be a harpy shrew too.

Nope. He stays at home, while I work all day and do more than 50% around the house. He is just lazy. I don't have to be harpy for him to be lazy; good thing he has other redeeming qualities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - is it really that difficult and objectionable to say thank you?

Sure, your DH is being childish. However, I have learned that with my DH, a "thank you" or a "it looks nice" ramps up his enthusiasm about the task. Now, I do not even have to mention that the task needs to be done and I do not have to thank him anymore.

Positive reinforcement is just not for kids. LOL!

PP here. At least for my DH, thanking him is insufficient. He wants praise lavished on him like he just came back from the war and sulks like a kid if I notice only 3 of the 4 things he did all day, even though he doesn't say anything more than thanks (if that) for the 8 or 9 things I do.

[Anonymous]

"Because my husband spits gelatinous, glue-like lugies in them, pees all over the seats, and leaves skidmarks in them."

Wow, your poor toilet wants to divorce him too.

I was struck by the fact that you are rousing early to drop off your dc, leaving your dh to sleep til 11. There's no reason for you to rouse early to drop her off when she has a parent in the home who can get quality time with her, then drop her off later, before he goes to work. The fact that daycare is your better option than being with him is more than enough to leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Because my husband spits gelatinous, glue-like lugies in them, pees all over the seats, and leaves skidmarks in them."

Wow, your poor toilet wants to divorce him too.

I was struck by the fact that you are rousing early to drop off your dc, leaving your dh to sleep til 11. There's no reason for you to rouse early to drop her off when she has a parent in the home who can get quality time with her, then drop her off later, before he goes to work. The fact that daycare is your better option than being with him is more than enough to leave him.

Yes, before we had DS, the plan that we agreed on was that DH would do both the daycare drop-off and pickup. He did it the very first day and then reneged. He told me when I got home that he would not do it anymore, as it was just too much for him in the morning and he needs his sleep. This created a HUGE fight between us, but in the end I decided to just do it myself, because honestly, I didn't trust him to wake up to take care of DS in the morning. I could just picture DS waking up and screaming for hours in his crib while DS slept.

[Anonymous]

^ meant "while DH slept"