Christmas Dinner: Hostile Takeover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL demands we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at her house. She hosts but is always in a funk. We want to stop the madness but since the other five siblings are wimps we do not want to be the bad guy. We tried talking to the other sibs but one is immature and will rat us out. So not fun!

Doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not something to get super mad about, so tell your DH to simmer down.

In our house, after a few years of conflict with ILs, we are in the "always consult with spouse first" mode. Mainly to prevent my mother from trying to pry us apart (yes, she likes to do that), but also to avoid situations like yours.

I think it's time to have a discussion about taking turns hosting.

You should have consulted with DH first before replying, just as he should have consulted with you before he replied to his mom. Either way, you would have had a discussion, come to some agreement, and could have suggested hosting as a united front.

[Anonymous]

In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to host. You are making a generous gesture. They can say they want to come, or not.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to host.

However, it is very rude, whether or not it is the inlaw thing, to invite to host the exact event at your house which someone else just invited you to.

Substitute MIL with college buddies or neighbors and Christmas brunch with Superbowl Party, and you will see just how rude it was.

I think it's very different if the person is writing to ask what plans are for the holiday. And I think it would be the same with a friend and a Superbowl party:

FRIEND: Hey, Phil! What are you and Sue planning to do for the Superbowl? Sally and I were thinking of maybe having friends over for brunch or dinner.

SUE: Hi, Ralph! We've really enjoyed coming to your Superbowl brunches this past few years, and thanks for asking what we were doing this year. I was actually thinking of hosting a brunch myself this year -- if you haven't finalized your plans, would you be interested in coming rather than hosting this year?

Sounds totally fine to me, and not rude at all.

Actually, that is rude. That is usurping the original invite. It is even more rude if the host has always hosted that event. Bow out, but don't usurp with an invite to counter an invite.

By the way, since her inlaws are in town, it is not like OP is giving up her Christmas every year. She is going to the traditional event at her MILs house, for what, a few hours? She gets Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, and nearly all of Christmas afternoon. She is giving up a couple of hours for brunch. Not such a big deal. If she really wants to entertain all the inlaws, invite them for cocktails and cookies on Christmas Eve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

So true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

So true!

That sentiment actually makes me want to gag. Assimilate or die, much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

Yep this is pretty much how it goes in my family too.... Holidays are for the matriarchs and you can come or come. There is no alternative.

[Anonymous]

Think about how you would feel if you invited someone to your house for a meal and then turned around and said how about I have it at my house instead? You stole her thunder, she's likely overbearing and you're not obligated to spend every holiday at her house, but it was a rude way to go about it in this instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

Stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't blame you for wanting to stay at your own house for once! I would, too. But this is something you should have talked to your dh about first before sending the email.

Totally agree. Maybe your DH wouldn't have been upset if you had discussed it first. And I kind of agree that it is rude to offer to host the same event you've just been invited to. It's important to form your own traditions, but you need to be onboard with your DH. Not fair to blindside him, especially when it's been his family that has been hosting.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

So true!

That sentiment actually makes me want to gag. Assimilate or die, much?

Oh, please. It's Christmas Eve dinner (and Mass) and Easter. It's two days out of the year. Let the old ladies have their fun. Their going to die eventuallly.

"Outwit, outplay, outlast."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the right to host holiday meals goes to the oldest female. She does it until she dies.

There would be hell to pay if some uppity DIL tried to take over the holiday hosting before the Matriarch was ready to hand over the reins.

OP, you stepped in it. Better apologize and explain that you did not know the ways of DH's tribe.

So true!

That sentiment actually makes me want to gag. Assimilate or die, much?

Oh, please. It's Christmas Eve dinner (and Mass) and Easter. It's two days out of the year. Let the old ladies have their fun. Their going to die eventuallly.

"Outwit, outplay, outlast."

"They're," not "their."

[Anonymous]

What's done is done. That being said, I would have agreed that she host dinner and then be in my house for morning and brunch. In our family, holiday dinners are at the grandmother's, too. We alternated years for a long time and that was how the kids saw all the grandparents. Then I stopped traveling for the holiday and sometimes the grandparents come to us and sometimes they don't, it's much more relaxed than when I was a kid and we went to my grandparents every single year. But I remember my parents being kind of sad about not having holiday traditions or ever having the meal at their own house as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to host. You are making a generous gesture. They can say they want to come, or not.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to host.

However, it is very rude, whether or not it is the inlaw thing, to invite to host the exact event at your house which someone else just invited you to.

Substitute MIL with college buddies or neighbors and Christmas brunch with Superbowl Party, and you will see just how rude it was.

+1 and December 1st seems late in the game to be changing up the usual plans, if there are usual plans. Next year, offer preemptively sometime in November.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help! Got an email from MIL today asking * DH* what our plans are for Christmas. In the email, MIL offered to host Christmas dinner or brunch at her house. We're all local. DH and I share a home email account, but my MIL either doesn't remember this, realize this and addresses the email to DH only, always.

So, I quickly responded to MIL myself with the idea that I'm also happy to host brunch here late morning. Typically, my MIL has everything at her house and so we rarely spend holidays at our house. I thought (selfishly) that it would be so nice to just have the in laws to our house for once. They are retired, young grandparents and live about 30 minutes away.

Have I done something wrong by offering to host? My DH is angry that I offered to have brunch here...he thinks it's awful that I complain about going to his parents' house and this is my attempt to usurp his mom's control. I'm just tired of packing up two young kids and spending every holiday at their house when I just want to stay at my own house...

Sounds like DH knows what a brat MIL is going to be about it. When we started hosting, MIL would get restless at the lack of control and... leave. Whew!