Christmas Dinner: Hostile Takeover?

[Anonymous]

Help! Got an email from MIL today asking * DH* what our plans are for Christmas. In the email, MIL offered to host Christmas dinner or brunch at her house. We're all local. DH and I share a home email account, but my MIL either doesn't remember this, realize this and addresses the email to DH only, always.

So, I quickly responded to MIL myself with the idea that I'm also happy to host brunch here late morning. Typically, my MIL has everything at her house and so we rarely spend holidays at our house. I thought (selfishly) that it would be so nice to just have the in laws to our house for once. They are retired, young grandparents and live about 30 minutes away.

Have I done something wrong by offering to host? My DH is angry that I offered to have brunch here...he thinks it's awful that I complain about going to his parents' house and this is my attempt to usurp his mom's control. I'm just tired of packing up two young kids and spending every holiday at their house when I just want to stay at my own house...

[Anonymous]

Can't blame you for wanting to stay at your own house for once! I would, too. But this is something you should have talked to your dh about first before sending the email.

[Anonymous]

Be glad your family is in town so you get to spend 98% of Christmas on your own terms, vs schlepping across the country and never having Christmas at home.

Yes, it was a bit rude of you. Invite them over Christmas Eve or sometime between Christmas and new years if you want to have an opportunity to entertain them on your turf.

[Anonymous]

You did nothing wrong. Your DH is a bit of a jerk to be angry. I would just let it go and see what MIL says. Tell her exactly what you said here. BTW it is isn't selfish at all to host the inlaws at your house.

[Anonymous]

That's stupid. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to host. You are making a generous gesture. They can say they want to come, or not.

[Anonymous]

Everybody Loves Raymond

[Anonymous]

It's not something to get super mad about, so tell your DH to simmer down.

In our house, after a few years of conflict with ILs, we are in the "always consult with spouse first" mode. Mainly to prevent my mother from trying to pry us apart (yes, she likes to do that), but also to avoid situations like yours.

I think it's time to have a discussion about taking turns hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to host. You are making a generous gesture. They can say they want to come, or not.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to host.

However, it is very rude, whether or not it is the inlaw thing, to invite to host the exact event at your house which someone else just invited you to.

Substitute MIL with college buddies or neighbors and Christmas brunch with Superbowl Party, and you will see just how rude it was.

[Anonymous]

I'd want to stay at my own house too. Just your DH to suck your big toe. You are entitled to have Christmas at your house this year.

[Anonymous]

What? No way. It was just an offer to host. You didn't you'ld refuse to attend and are ony doing Christmas at home. And your MIL asked!

Sounds like DH is very tied to his parents Christmas traditions. Time to make some of your own! And I agree it makes way more sense to start having some holidays at your place so you're not always the ones driving across town with little kids.

[Anonymous]

Well, all you did was offer to host it. She can always say that she would prefer to host. But generally, I would have discussed with DH what he would prefer to do before answering such an email, so that everyone's opinions and feelings could be taken into account.

[Anonymous]

My MIL demands we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at her house. She hosts but is always in a funk. We want to stop the madness but since the other five siblings are wimps we do not want to be the bad guy. We tried talking to the other sibs but one is immature and will rat us out. So not fun!

[Anonymous]

After years of holiday shenanigans instigated by my MIL, I put my foot down and said we would host all holiday events at our house. I got stuck with Thanksgiving and Christmas, but at least it meant that I could spend some portion of the holiday with my own parents and my sister. For years and years, my MIL would tell us one set of plans based around the needs of her extended family that would change at the last minute and ruin any opportunity for me to spend any portion of a holiday with my own family. I finally took her apart one Thanksgiving and told her off publicly and I told her from this minute forward that *I* would be making the holiday plans in the family, she would always be welcome to join whatever plans we made, but that we would *not* be making our nuclear family's plans around her extended family's schedule at all ever again. I also told her that if she preferred to spend the holidays with her extended family, that was fine too, but that my child has maternal grand parents too and that it is just as important for her to spend time with them. Once I laid down the law, I have had no problems since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't blame you for wanting to stay at your own house for once! I would, too. But this is something you should have talked to your dh about first before sending the email.

Totally agree. Maybe your DH wouldn't have been upset if you had discussed it first. And I kind of agree that it is rude to offer to host the same event you've just been invited to. It's important to form your own traditions, but you need to be onboard with your DH. Not fair to blindside him, especially when it's been his family that has been hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting to host. You are making a generous gesture. They can say they want to come, or not.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to host.

However, it is very rude, whether or not it is the inlaw thing, to invite to host the exact event at your house which someone else just invited you to.

Substitute MIL with college buddies or neighbors and Christmas brunch with Superbowl Party, and you will see just how rude it was.

I think it's very different if the person is writing to ask what plans are for the holiday. And I think it would be the same with a friend and a Superbowl party:

FRIEND: Hey, Phil! What are you and Sue planning to do for the Superbowl? Sally and I were thinking of maybe having friends over for brunch or dinner.

SUE: Hi, Ralph! We've really enjoyed coming to your Superbowl brunches this past few years, and thanks for asking what we were doing this year. I was actually thinking of hosting a brunch myself this year -- if you haven't finalized your plans, would you be interested in coming rather than hosting this year?

Sounds totally fine to me, and not rude at all.