New baby on the way; older teen stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 13 and reacted this way, and her DD and I are still married. So I think this is a normal reaction for teens. They are pretty self centered at this age, and they don't want any cute little babies cutting in. Like previous PPs have said this usually gets better as the pregnancy progresses. Shopping for the baby, planning and then when the baby is born. Give her space initially, try not to just talk about the pregnancy, maybe make dinner time a no baby discussion time. Then start including her when you make decisions, and don't be hurt if at first she says no. You sound like a very understanding person and a great stepmom so I am sure you will get through this ok!! Good luck and congratulations!!!

I'd give her more credit than that.

I'm going to take a stab and guess that your step DD is afraid of losing you as her "mother" once you have a bio kid of your own. Having had one parent drop her (or whatever happened) makes her feel insecure and unimportant. Now, she is going to be even less important when you and her dad and the new baby become a happy little nuclear family.

OP here - I'm concerned its a lot of this.

I'm the PP here. OP, I hope that by marrying into this family you knew you were accepting this girl as your daughter (at least in some fashion or anther though things may have played out differently), and that you don't intend to shut her out for the sake of convenience once the baby arrives.

PP - absolutely - I've embraced my role as a mother figure while recognizing I'm not the mother and would never ever ever do this. I've been in her life for over 13 years, so I'm not going anywhere. I am wondering if perhaps she is feeling less sure of this with this new news, so seeking ways to reassure her and help with transition.

Ok, then in that case, your biggest hurdle is communication and continued reassurance.

[Anonymous]

Did she know that you & her father planned to have a baby? Or was this the first she heard of it?

Not many people, adults, teens, kids, react well to news of a great-big-change-that-I-didn't-choose-and-had-no-idea-it-was-coming. Odds are she'll be more positive once she's had time to adjust.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Even biological children can react negatively to the announcement of a new baby. The teen years are hard enough and it sounds as though your step DD has endured many transitions. Her parents splitting, you coming into the picture, other half sibs, now another.

Have you & DH thought about talking to a counselor yourselves to help you through this or a family counselor?

[Anonymous]

1 - sorry to bring this up, but it's "for all INTENTS AND purposes", not "intensive purposes".

2 - what's the story with her bio mom? Did younger siblings arrive in that family and stepdaughtet saw a negative impact? Maybe fear of the same.

3 - how long have you and her dad been married? What's the history of your relationship with this girl? You've "been in her life" for many years but that could mean a lot of things. More info on relationship origin/structure/format please.

I have around 30 years of experience as a stepdaughter so the facts matter to the suggestions I may make to you. Something to keep in mind though: it may be helpful for her to know that ALL newborns are a giant time suck and family dynamics shift. Bio or step has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. I tried to empathize with my 19 year old stepdaughter, whose dad I started dating when she was 14 and married after she graduated high school, by remembering that I would have been really jealous and threatened by not only a new wide for my dad but also the fear of him having another daughter. I thought things might be smoother when I found out our baby is a boy. I tried to include her in shopping, registering, planning a shower, brainstorming names...she shot me down with every attempt. I hoped when the baby would arrive that she'd at least love him even though she despises me, but she refuses to call him the name we chose, only visits once every few weeks when she wants money, has never held him for more than five minutes, has never changed a diaper or given a bottle, and has never bought him a gift. We pay for her college and "loan" her lots of money otherwise. In 14 months, the only interest she shows in her brother is to post pictures of him to Facebook when her mother (who left my DH a decade ago) and she are fighting. (Her mother expected to remarry and have more kids, but two marriages later, menopause arrived, and she is apparently v bitter, so SD tortured her with photos of my baby when she is mad.)

I share this to say: you're gonna be ok. She loves you and you love her. A new baby will be tough for all of you, but you have love among you. You'll get through.

[Anonymous]

Pp, you should not expect yr dsd to change your baby's diaper

[Anonymous]

It can be really hard for teens when they see a new famìly created - mom, dad and baby that they aren't part of. They are that other child from that other family that broke apart.

Seeing as you have been in her life for 13 years, she lives with you and it sounds like you have a good relationship, hopefully this is something you can work through. The problem is that often in the first months after the baby is born, all your attention goes to the baby, you are grumpy and sleep deprived, and generally this fresh new love consumes you and this reinforces all the negative thoughts and feelings and worries she had.

Seeing as you are cognizant of it, and talking to her about it, I am sure you will weather the adjustment. Just don't downplay how big of an adjustment this will be for her. And don't go overboard either side with how much she can be involved with the baby or doesn't feel she needs to be involved with the baby.

[Anonymous]

I had a baby one year ago. I have 2 stepsons, then aged 12 and 14. They were not thrilled at all to hear the news and basically ignored her for the first few months. My husband was very hurt, but I told him it was in the range of normal and to give it time. The now 13 year old came around pretty quickly and recently wrote a paper about his relationship with the baby for school. The now 15 year old is only just now beginning to warm up to her and will play with her for very short periods, though (oddly) he never ever speaks to her. His younger brother told me that he gets mad when people call her his sister. On Saturday night, the baby was giving goodnight kisses before bed and puckered up to kiss him, but her refused to let her kiss him.

We never force her on them or give them any responsibility for her, unless they initiate it. As a stepchild myself, I lived in fear that my dad would have more kids with his new wife. It didn't happen, but I remember being very worried about it.

[Anonymous]

What does "all intensive purposes" mean?

[Anonymous]

Don't see a good outcome here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't see a good outcome here.

Oh, stop.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs for sharing experience. I don't want to get into too many details on my role / mom's role - our situation is pretty unique and I don't want to compromise DSD's privacy. I'll just say that I love DSD and think of her as my own, while recognizing that I am not the mom and will never replace her, no would try to.

She asked for space, so we will give her space and just take our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, you should not expect yr dsd to change your baby's diaper

Hm. I come from a family where everyone pitches in. I changed my cousins' diapers when I was a teen all the time. The idea of having a baby sibling and never changing a diaper sounds completely crazy to me. I actually can't imagine NOT changing a diaper of a child that I'm closely related to. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, you should not expect yr dsd to change your baby's diaper

Hm. I come from a family where everyone pitches in. I changed my cousins' diapers when I was a teen all the time. The idea of having a baby sibling and never changing a diaper sounds completely crazy to me. I actually can't imagine NOT changing a diaper of a child that I'm closely related to. YMMV.

OP here- I probably won't draw any lines in the sand on diaper changes. If she wants to great, if not, that won't be the battle I'll pick.

[Anonymous]

OP here- there is a gradual thawing. I'm continuing to just give her some space and time to adjust - I let her know I was going to do so, that way she won't misinterpret as me being upset with her.