Who's right? Issue with SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for the change?

OP here. I don't want to be too specific, but it's something that's scheduled at the same day and time every week, like music lessons or sports practices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is the rude one.

But have you heard the expression would you rather be right or be happy? Sure, it's annoying as hell (does she really do it everything, or are you exaggerating?), but would it be easier to let it go and just give in? Or can you reasonably hold your ground? What happened last time, after she told everyone you were the bad one? How was the recovery form that?

If you start drawing boundaries, could your family help lead the rest of the family to a better place, or is it going to lead to all out war?

Not exaggerating. This has been an issue for the past few years.

It would definitely be easier to just smile and say okay, whatever you want. But can I do that for the rest of my life?

As for last time, I was pregnant and everyone chalked it up to hormones.

[Anonymous]

As another poster said, tell your SIL that she is welcome to come earlier/later if needed, however, the scheduled event will go on as planned.

[Anonymous]

My question is did you plan Christmas Eve lunch ( or whatever the family event is) knowing that SIL had a conflict? If so that's kind of crappy. If your SIL was protesting because little Johnny wanted to go to a classmates birthday then that's on her and she can deal but if you know Johnny has swim meets every Saturday at noon then it's crappy to set lunch for noon and not 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's being rude.

But, given the history of everyone giving in, I think DH should say to her clearly once, "Hey, Sis, when we set a date and time for an event, we really mean it. If something comes up and you can't come, we understand, but changing the event around at the last minute because you couldn't reserve the time really isn't fair to us or our other guests. We'll be sorry to miss you at lunch and hope to see you again soon."

Bonus: Next family event, reserve the time, and then have other plans, and if the schedule changes at the last minute, say that doesn't work for you and don't go. It's not fair to have all family events up in the air until the last minute because of one flaky family member. Free yourself from that expectation.

This. Go ahead and rearrange your thing, even, but do this.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who says it's better to be happy than right. I'd change it. This is the family dynamics. You are the outsider who married into the family. The family is ok with it. Your husband is ok with it. ,It's kind of presumptuous to try to change the dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's being rude.

But, given the history of everyone giving in, I think DH should say to her clearly once, "Hey, Sis, when we set a date and time for an event, we really mean it. If something comes up and you can't come, we understand, but changing the event around at the last minute because you couldn't reserve the time really isn't fair to us or our other guests. We'll be sorry to miss you at lunch and hope to see you again soon."

Bonus: Next family event, reserve the time, and then have other plans, and if the schedule changes at the last minute, say that doesn't work for you and don't go. It's not fair to have all family events up in the air until the last minute because of one flaky family member. Free yourself from that expectation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Change it but your husband needs to take on any extra work this creates, including notifying others. Easy for him not to care when its no skin off his nose ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is the rude one.

But have you heard the expression would you rather be right or be happy? Sure, it's annoying as hell (does she really do it everything, or are you exaggerating?), but would it be easier to let it go and just give in? Or can you reasonably hold your ground? What happened last time, after she told everyone you were the bad one? How was the recovery form that?

If you start drawing boundaries, could your family help lead the rest of the family to a better place, or is it going to lead to all out war?

Not exaggerating. This has been an issue for the past few years.

It would definitely be easier to just smile and say okay, whatever you want. But can I do that for the rest of my life?

As for last time, I was pregnant and everyone chalked it up to hormones.

No, you can't do it for the rest of your life, you will go nuts.

It's totally fine (and healthy) for you and DH to have a different approach in your nuclear family and to decline to participate in extended family drama, no matter how long it's been going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me in the middle of the first sentence.

Please take a writing course.

Good luck.

Let us know how your remedial reading course works out.

[Anonymous]

Agree that this is a boundary issue. The problem is, though, that you've been playing along for a while. So the boundary has been breached for a while. That means, when you set the boundary back up, she will see it as a *new* boundary, and get mad at you.

The flip side is the longer you do it, the worse it becomes and then to wait and do it a year, five years, ten years from now will make her even more mad.

We had boundary troubles of a different type with my SIL (my brother's wife). My general rule is not to appease (insert Chamberlain and Hitler story here) but we were appeasing because my mom was really ill and begged us to appease her. Over time, we hated getting together with them and ended up walking on eggshells for years. And of course, over time, she pushed the boundary again and again.

Finally my DH couldn't take it any more and put up a boundary in the form of a respectful but strong email. (He did it on email on purpose, because he didn't want her to remember only parts of a conversation or spin it in her head.) I knew that if he hit "send" it would start WWIII, but I thought about it and decided I was actually ready for WWIII.

And she's hated us ever since. She doesn't show up at events. It's tricky for my brother and me, but we make do. And frankly, DH and I have been having really nice family get-togethers because we aren't always walking on eggshells dealing with her.

Again, I'm not a fan of appeasement; it just creates a bigger bully. Just know that she is used to pushing you around and when you take the great advice from PP above, she will be mad because in her mind, you turned the tables on her. If you're smooth enough (some PPs had some good language) she'll come around, after she bashes you some)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But have you heard the expression would you rather be right or be happy?

Of course your SIL is rude and bothersome, and in theory you and your husband should stand your ground. But… I have a DH rather like this. Everyone in his family knows how persuasive he can be, and he always manages to get his own way in the end. With my family, it has led to conflict (and my mother is completely antagonistic and crazy, so bad mix!). From my perspective, it's difficult to manage everyone's expectations and not receive backlash.

So… good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for the change?

OP here. I don't want to be too specific, but it's something that's scheduled at the same day and time every week, like music lessons or sports practices.

Ok, so you all know that she has this ongoing conflict but still schedule stuff for that time? That's fine, but I can see how her feelings might be hurt too.

[Anonymous]

You and others should not make decisions based on whether she will be mad. You also have no power to prevent her from saying all-kinds-of-things. If other listen or entertain such nonsense, well, there's nothing you can do.

Is she a shift worker - like a nurse - who has an odd or varied schedule. If she has a work lifestyle very different from all others in the family, is she asking for special consideration? I would consider that a different case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for the change?

OP here. I don't want to be too specific, but it's something that's scheduled at the same day and time every week, like music lessons or sports practices.

Ok, so you all know that she has this ongoing conflict but still schedule stuff for that time? That's fine, but I can see how her feelings might be hurt too.

Is Host repeatedly scheduling events for a time known to be bad for SIL because of SIL's regularly-scheduled event, or did it just work out this way this time?
If so, Host (OP) should try to adjust--though perhaps in the future rather than this time.

Also, how much time passed between when Host invited and when SIL announced that this regularly-scheduled event became a problem?
If SIL wants to raise a KNOWN schedule conflict, she should do it promptly, not at the 11th hour.

Also big +1 to leaving responsibility for informing everyone to DH and to scheduling (if feasible) events with a wide "window".