Reply to Who's right? Issue with SIL

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[quote=Anonymous]Agree that this is a boundary issue.  The problem is, though, that you've been playing along for a while.  So the boundary has been breached for a while.  That means, when you set the boundary back up, she will see it as a *new* boundary, and get mad at you.

The flip side is the longer you do it, the worse it becomes and then to wait and do it a year, five years, ten years from now will make her even more mad.

We had boundary troubles of a different type with my SIL (my brother's wife).  My general rule is not to appease (insert Chamberlain and Hitler story here) but we were appeasing because my mom was really ill and begged us to appease her.  Over time, we hated getting together with them and ended up walking on eggshells for years.  And of course, over time, she pushed the boundary again and again.

Finally my DH couldn't take it any more and put up a boundary in the form of a respectful but strong email.  (He did it on email on purpose, because he didn't want her to remember only parts of a conversation or spin it in her head.)  I knew that if he hit "send" it would start WWIII, but I thought about it and decided I was actually ready for WWIII.

And she's hated us ever since.  She doesn't show up at events.  It's tricky for my brother and me, but we make do.  And frankly, DH and I have been having really nice family get-togethers because we aren't always walking on eggshells dealing with her.

Again, I'm not a fan of appeasement; it just creates a bigger bully.  Just know that she is used to pushing you around and when you take the great advice from PP above, she will be mad because in her mind, you turned the tables on her.  If you're smooth enough (some PPs had some good language) she'll come around, after she bashes you some)[/quote]

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