Disagreement between Spouse on Public vs Private

[Anonymous]

does the spouse that wants public do the bills and money, the other may have no understanding how tight money is. A family that is broke is worst off than one that can spend the extra money on tutors, sports and other activities outside of school. Kids are expensive and there are costs for summer, after and before care, and the private school sports will cost you because public school activities are covered in the budget for the most part.

[Anonymous]

If you do use the-mentioned argument with a spouse it should be a matter-of-fact comment and not the least bit snarky

[Anonymous]

To me, this family conversation needs a flowchart approach.

Step 1: Can we reasonably afford private school? You need to have an clear, specific, and honest discussion about your current budget and your expected budget for 3-4 years in the future.

Step 2 (only if you can reasonably afford private school): Are any private schools better environments for our individual child than the public option we have? This part of the conversation is just about school fit, and not about money, so keep the focus narrow. You may disagree at first, but you need to reach a resolution.

Step 3 (once you've identified any better-fit private schools): Are those better-fit private schools worth the investment required? Are you willing to sacrifice the other luxuries you might enjoy, instead of spending the money on any of those private schools? This is the hardest question, but if you first address the other two questions, you'll at least be focused when you get to this step.

It seems from OP's post that all three questions are getting muddled between the spouses, which leads to conflict. One thinks they cannot afford it, but the other disagrees. Can you really not afford it at all, or do you just think it's not a justified cost? Those are two different questions, so approach them separately.

HTH

Sam2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, this family conversation needs a flowchart approach.

Step 1: Can we reasonably afford private school? You need to have an clear, specific, and honest discussion about your current budget and your expected budget for 3-4 years in the future.

Step 2 (only if you can reasonably afford private school): Are any private schools better environments for our individual child than the public option we have? This part of the conversation is just about school fit, and not about money, so keep the focus narrow. You may disagree at first, but you need to reach a resolution.

Step 3 (once you've identified any better-fit private schools): Are those better-fit private schools worth the investment required? Are you willing to sacrifice the other luxuries you might enjoy, instead of spending the money on any of those private schools? This is the hardest question, but if you first address the other two questions, you'll at least be focused when you get to this step.

It seems from OP's post that all three questions are getting muddled between the spouses, which leads to conflict. One thinks they cannot afford it, but the other disagrees. Can you really not afford it at all, or do you just think it's not a justified cost? Those are two different questions, so approach them separately.

HTH

Sam2

How would OP know if the public school is not a good environment if the child never tried it?

[Anonymous]

Also are you talking just private for elementary school or for the whole 12 years?

I want to do private high school, but I totally love FCPS elementary schools. Yes, the class size is large, but it's smaller than the 35 kids I grew up with at a private school. I've got 2 years till we need to worry about that. Also FCPS has more extras than most privates - art, computers, special ed services if you need them.

I also think diversity is important, which you won't get at private (usually).

How old are your kids? Stuff changes with kids every year. Were we thought our kid would go to high school when he was in 1st grade is not what it looks like now as a 6th grader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would OP know if the public school is not a good environment if the child never tried it?

By researching it, by talking to friends and neighbors, by visiting the school, etc. The same question is even harder to answer for private schools because each of them is different. How can you know what the environment is like if you've never been there? The only answer IMHO is to gather more information and avoid blanket conclusions.

Sam2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one who wants private - has to show beyond a reasonable doubt - how it will be paid for without sacrifice from the spouse who wants public.

Here! Here! I told my SAHM wife that if the private option was so important to her she could go out and earn the additional money so that it would not derail my retirement plans. She back off on that faster than greased lightening. She didn't want the responsibility.

In our house, the SAHM wanted public and the husband wanted private. Not all SAHM want private...just to clarify. Not all SAHM are bank account-draining harpies. Sorry you married one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have found small class sizes restrictive socially. If you only have 7-8 kids of each gender, you had better hope they get along or work well together. It also becomes hard to start teams or activities when there are too few kids to pull from. And as PP said, so much depends on the teacher, the personality of the class, the style of the school, etc. I have seen good teachers more than effectively teach 30 kids while less-apt teachers can't manage 15. You won't know until you get there but luckily around here you can easily hear from others about a school's pros and cons. Pick what works for your family on all levels.

Agree on some of the social downsides. My DS was in a grade that was quite girl heavy. The pool of boys was just too small and each had their own set of quirks. He was much happier socially in a larger school and actually had far more boy academic peers as well.

I am also not sure that there are that many 15 student classes after K in private schools. Our private school class size was 22-24.

At the elite private schools class size is almost always under 20, but the problem mentioned only applies in a coed classroom. 18 girls in a class is plenty.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you live in my neighborhood.

Here's my advice: the spouse who is worried about the high percent of ESOL kids needs to be honest with themself and with the other spouse - is really the fact that they are ESOL that they are worried about? or is it that they are poor minorities (and let's be honest, that's who most ESOL kids are)?

I have seen over and over again people in my neighborhood take their kids out of the local ES because they are not comfortable with the high percentage of minority kids. They claim it is for other reasons but I do not believe it. It's amazing how they suddenly feel their kids really need a Catholic/Hebrew education.

So, be honest with yourself. From my experience, having ESOL kids in the class has not been a problem. My DS has thrived at our school and has many friends of various backgrounds. It has been a great experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one who wants private - has to show beyond a reasonable doubt - how it will be paid for without sacrifice from the spouse who wants public.

Here! Here! I told my SAHM wife that if the private option was so important to her she could go out and earn the additional money so that it would not derail my retirement plans. She back off on that faster than greased lightening. She didn't want the responsibility.

In our house, the SAHM wanted public and the husband wanted private. Not all SAHM want private...just to clarify. Not all SAHM are bank account-draining harpies. Sorry you married one!

My SAHD wanted public. I earn enough so I demanded private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tour both. That's what we did.

Same here. After seeing both, DH changed his mind and agreed that private would definitely be the best choice for our kids.

And yes, there are schools with 15 kids or less per class. Ours is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one who wants private - has to show beyond a reasonable doubt - how it will be paid for without sacrifice from the spouse who wants public.

Here! Here! I told my SAHM wife that if the private option was so important to her she could go out and earn the additional money so that it would not derail my retirement plans. She back off on that faster than greased lightening. She didn't want the responsibility.

This was my favorite part. You might want to try the words "we" and "our" more often. Sounds like you're a joy to live with.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am going to let the spouse see both places and decide. Who knows what will happen but the spouse in question anticipates a bump in bonuses and commissions so I believe the cost will be covered.

[Anonymous]

Easy OP. If you can afford private -- go private. If you can't ...go public. What is so hard about that. If you can't afford it, don't fret over it...that's not going to help your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy OP. If you can afford private -- go private. If you can't ...go public. What is so hard about that. If you can't afford it, don't fret over it...that's not going to help your child.

To be fair, saying that private is always better is not exactly correct