How would you feel if...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome her with open arms and let your daughter get to know her aunt. Life is too short to keep people you care about at a distance.

+1

She needs you now. Be thankful that you're the one she's turning to in this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Yup - welcome her, give her a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has her husband been abusive (trying to isolate her)?

No, she just always had excuses.

Her "excuses" might have been to cover up the fact her husband was the controlling type and did not want her to come. Or he was abusive and she didn't want you to notice evidence of that. Or she was ashamed -- maybe because he was controlling or abusive or, even if he was just dandy, maybe she was ashamed because her marriage was not a good one. Yes, people can let that make them feel ashamed and afraid to see others, out of fear of questions being asked.

Why assume the worst? Why assume she was...being mean, ignoring you, ignoring your child, whatever? Why not assume the best and say, "She's reaching out in a time of need and maybe there have been things going on these past years of which I was totally unaware, and maybe now we can restart a relationship."

You never say whether you two were ever close at all, or just cordial, etc. That does matter somewhat, but in the end, she has not done anything outright to hurt or attack you in the past four years (at least, not that you mention) and you have not made a huge effort to be the one to go see her, either.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and say yes to a visit. She may need someone who will listen to her. But if she comes and needs to talk about her divorce, yet you want to hash out "Why didn't you visit me more often?!" etc., -- well, please don't do that. Not now, at least. You may not end up being best buddies but you at least can see her and talk to her; just don't make it about you right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has her husband been abusive (trying to isolate her)?

No, she just always had excuses.

Her "excuses" might have been to cover up the fact her husband was the controlling type and did not want her to come. Or he was abusive and she didn't want you to notice evidence of that. Or she was ashamed -- maybe because he was controlling or abusive or, even if he was just dandy, maybe she was ashamed because her marriage was not a good one. Yes, people can let that make them feel ashamed and afraid to see others, out of fear of questions being asked.

Why assume the worst? Why assume she was...being mean, ignoring you, ignoring your child, whatever? Why not assume the best and say, "She's reaching out in a time of need and maybe there have been things going on these past years of which I was totally unaware, and maybe now we can restart a relationship."

You never say whether you two were ever close at all, or just cordial, etc. That does matter somewhat, but in the end, she has not done anything outright to hurt or attack you in the past four years (at least, not that you mention) and you have not made a huge effort to be the one to go see her, either.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and say yes to a visit. She may need someone who will listen to her. But if she comes and needs to talk about her divorce, yet you want to hash out "Why didn't you visit me more often?!" etc., -- well, please don't do that. Not now, at least. You may not end up being best buddies but you at least can see her and talk to her; just don't make it about you right now.

You are the one assuming the worst about her husband. OP has said nothing about him being abusive and controlling. Those are pretty awful things to accuse someone of with no evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has her husband been abusive (trying to isolate her)?

No, she just always had excuses.

Her "excuses" might have been to cover up the fact her husband was the controlling type and did not want her to come. Or he was abusive and she didn't want you to notice evidence of that. Or she was ashamed -- maybe because he was controlling or abusive or, even if he was just dandy, maybe she was ashamed because her marriage was not a good one. Yes, people can let that make them feel ashamed and afraid to see others, out of fear of questions being asked.

Why assume the worst? Why assume she was...being mean, ignoring you, ignoring your child, whatever? Why not assume the best and say, "She's reaching out in a time of need and maybe there have been things going on these past years of which I was totally unaware, and maybe now we can restart a relationship."

You never say whether you two were ever close at all, or just cordial, etc. That does matter somewhat, but in the end, she has not done anything outright to hurt or attack you in the past four years (at least, not that you mention) and you have not made a huge effort to be the one to go see her, either.

Give her the benefit of the doubt and say yes to a visit. She may need someone who will listen to her. But if she comes and needs to talk about her divorce, yet you want to hash out "Why didn't you visit me more often?!" etc., -- well, please don't do that. Not now, at least. You may not end up being best buddies but you at least can see her and talk to her; just don't make it about you right now.

You are the one assuming the worst about her husband. OP has said nothing about him being abusive and controlling. Those are pretty awful things to accuse someone of with no evidence.

You didn't bother to read the part where I say that he might be fine, in which case, sister might have been feeling ashamed (or upset, or isolated, or depressed) just about the fact the marriage wasn't working.

I didn't assume he was absolutely abusive. I just offered that to the OP as one possible reason why the sister has been silent for so long. OP could be open to the idea that sister might have been going through who knows what the past few years. Could have been abusive, could have been controlling (which is a version of abuse), could have been a great guy and their marriage was the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, doesn't seem like you have traveled to see her, either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't seen my sister in 4 years, she's met my child once and did not travel to see us.

Suddenly, during her divorce she wants to come visit.

I want to welcome her with open arms, but I am wary that its been so long and it takes a nasty divorce for her to come.

I would feel happy that she is coming to see us. It takes two to clap OP. This means that in the 4 years you did not travel that much to see her either. Whatever it was that kept your sister from coming to see you more often - finances, laziness, work, husband, etc. she now needs YOU and this is why she is coming. Think how would it feel if the tables were turned, if you were the one divorcing and needed a change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, doesn't seem like you have traveled to see her, either?

I traveled, alone, to see her once a year. One year took my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Give her a chance! Even if the husband wasn't abusive, if she was mired in a bad relationship, it may have been difficult for her to reach out. Forgive her her distance and be a supportive sister. Think about what kind of behavior and values your want to model for your DC too.

[Anonymous]

Geez why keep track of who traveled more..I have one relative who used to do that and it annoyed the heck out of me. She's family. When my sister was single she traveled to see me several times before I could make a return trip w my dh & kids. We've traveled to see my bil and sil about a dozen times but they have not been able to afford more than a couple trips here.my other bil can't get time off work so we went to see him several times. Welcome your sis and don't keep track of whose turn it is to make the trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome her with open arms and let your daughter get to know her aunt. Life is too short to keep people you care about at a distance.

My thoughts exactly!