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[quote=Anonymous]I agree with others, there's no way you can force things to be equal. Different siblings have different ideas about responsibility -- and also different relationships with their parents. Maybe your sister knows if she visited one weekend a month, she & mom would spend the whole time bickering, and she just doesn't have the stomach for that, who knows?

If it would make you feel better to get a financial contribution or some other kind of assistance from your sister (maybe she could help pay for a sitter for your kids while you visit mom?), I think it's not a bad idea to ask for it.

Don't try to guilt trip her though -- don't be like, "since you can't manage to do xyz, can you at least put in some $$??" Try something more like, "It seems like you aren't up for regular visits; would you rather contribute in some other way?"

And if that doesn't work out, LET IT GO. Your sister will be here after your mom is gone; maintain a positive relationship with her.

two random examples that might offer food for thought:

1) My mom took on the brunt of caring for her elderly mom. When my grandmother had a stroke and became dependent on a wheelchair, even though my uncle & his wife lived a couple hours from her, they moved her to my mom's house 500 miles away. My mom was on her own -- divorced, & my brother and I had long since moved out -- and worked full time. She had home health aides stay with my grandma daily for several months until she got a spot in a nearby assisted living facility, and then she visited my grandmother daily at the assisted living place. My uncle showed up at Christmas, that was it. Was my mom happy with that division of labor? No. But she never let it come between her and her brother, and after my grandmother died she continued to celebrate holidays and go on vacations with my uncle and his wife.

2) my husband is the youngest (by 7-8 years) of three brothers; his parents divorced when he was an infant. Both his brothers remembered living with their dad, resented the hell out of hime for leaving, and strongly favored their mom. She, meanwhile, was an alcoholic who stayed sober during their childhood but went off the wagon when they were in high school (and my husband was only 8 or 9). When my husbamd got to high school age, he went to live with his dad.

He's taken a lot of flak from his brothers over the years for being pissed at his mom and accepting his dad. I finally pointed out to brother A -- conversationally, not like in an argument or anything, and after he brought up the subject -- that kids have different experiences with their parents, their mom wasn't there for him the way she was there for them, and their dad really stepped up for him.  Next time brother B started in on my husband, brother A defended him, basically repeating what I had said.

Your mom, to you, is not the same person she is to your sister -- or any of your other siblings. In the same way that you each had different relationships with her growing up, it makes sense that you'll each participate differently in her care now.[/quote]

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