Harvard culture of adults later in life?

[Anonymous]

My wife believes that Ivy alums are almost like a cult (I mean they drug you with alcohol for 4 years and teach you secret chants). By chance have you ever been to a reunion? They tend to be intense... Maybe check it out before your trip down isle.

But your guy seems to be somewhat stuck in place, maybe he is shy and making new friends out of the college atmosphere is too much trouble? Making new friends in 30s is hard in general, and if he is happy with his clan no reason to change. Definitely self selection, Harvard has all sorts (ever read the lampoon?!). Prob won't change, and the friends will win out; his blood runs crimson my dear. Make peace and try to befriend other reunion widows when traveling to Cambridge!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we are both in our early 30's. He is very close to this group, they play squash once or twice a week, have a guys dinner out on a regular basis, play golf together, they are very connected. As I said before two though I really like but there are 3 that to me, are pretty intolerable.

Yes he has proposed, though I am not sure how that question is relevant to what I have asked. Our engagement party is next week if you must know.

I agree that many/most grow out of being part of a social clique by the time they mature/reach their 30's but I don't see that happening anytime soon here

Any of them married?

[Anonymous]

You still have not explained how they are stuffy. Vague adjectives like stuffy and intolerable without examples to demonstrate makes it difficult to understand your complaint.

[Anonymous]

I know what OP means pp. If you don't get it, you never will. OP as you get older you will see these friends less and less. People get busy with work, family, etc. Good luck to you. I work with some of those people. Just be nice, smile, and try to find some common ground.

[Anonymous]

You've got pretentiousness, golf, squash, guys night out, and Thanksgiving with the gang of 4 on one of the islands. And, of course, the fact that this set of attributes gets associated with Harvard/Ivies. Seems like enough detail to understand what OP means by stuffy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got pretentiousness, golf, squash, guys night out, and Thanksgiving with the gang of 4 on one of the islands. And, of course, the fact that this set of attributes gets associated with Harvard/Ivies. Seems like enough detail to understand what OP means by stuffy.

Golf and squash means you're stuffy?

[Anonymous]

Check out the prenup before you get married.

[Anonymous]

So, yes, they are stuffy. The fact that they went to and Ivy does not matter. You have already identified that his friends are stuffy. It will be a problem if you are not confident but you seem confident so don't worry about it.

Rarely does a woman love all her husbands friends for various reasons.

I have found from my Ivy friends that most marry somebody that balances the situation. So maybe you will like their wives. (warning some make strategic moves for marriage and get a Type A wife and that can be a night mare)

Examples, from my situation

#1: Wife has to constantly tell husband at social events to stop "lecuring". He will go into a 20 minute soliloquy about something that interests him in an effort to "educate" the rest of us. Wife will say, okay we all have gone to college, we don't desire lectures. (She does it nicer than that.)

#2: At a social event, Ivy dude approached me and another guy (who he worked with) and said, "we won't need you anymore, I have something to discuss with Joe." Wait, I am in the middle of a converstation, and I am not your secretary. I gave him my glass of wine and asked him for a refilll.

#3: I have had at least 5 Ivy peeps offer to write letters of recommendation for my kids for college. They don't even know what their grades are. They are not going to an Ivy (well 1 might but I doubt it).

I do find the social skills lacking, and they think they are the smartest/most powerful guy in the room and they will tell you. I can get you into that school. I know the director of that or the CEO of this business. Everybody else sort of ignores it and I don't even think they notice.

OH Lord I could go on. Even if you dump your H friends in your 30's, 40's they are all over the place in DC. The lacrosse coach, the father of your childs BFF, the defensive coordinator of your 10 yo football team (I know right, they have defensive coordinators at 10), they are like stinkbugs, you can't get rid of them. (They all dress the same so you can at least identify them easily.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got pretentiousness, golf, squash, guys night out, and Thanksgiving with the gang of 4 on one of the islands. And, of course, the fact that this set of attributes gets associated with Harvard/Ivies. Seems like enough detail to understand what OP means by stuffy.

Golf and squash means you're stuffy?

Wow! Your stuffy and never knew it. It'll be okay.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's so much a Harvard thing as a "college was the best time of my life!!!" thing. Some people just really love to keep their college circle together even if they don't have much in common. It is also about differences in social styles: some people love to have lots of events with a big social group, and the best way to do this is to keep up with your college circle.

Personally, I dated a guy like this and really did not like that aspect of our relationship. His circle was boring and only seemed to hold together out of inertia. I prefer to do things one on one with close friends, instead of endless barbecues and dinners and brunches with a group that I don't really connect with (not dislike, just feel "meh" about.) and another aspect is always feeling judged as an outsider if the group has any particular political or philosophical bent.

So anyway I think you just have to accept that this social circle will be part of your life, and do some negotiating tools sure that some of your social time is spent with people you truly enjoy.

[Anonymous]

OK, these stereotypes are getting out of control. Plenty of people went to ivies who never talk about it and aren't arrogant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, these stereotypes are getting out of control. Plenty of people went to ivies who never talk about it and aren't arrogant.

True, but they don't live here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, these stereotypes are getting out of control. Plenty of people went to ivies who never talk about it and aren't arrogant.

True, but they don't live here.

Well I'm one. I never, ever talk about it. I think its creepy when people over identify with where they went to college. My college friends never talk about it either.

[Anonymous]

I think you'll just see how 'stuffy' your fiancé is after the reality sets in. After marriage and especially after a baby. People choose their friends. Look at him a little harder perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Its me OP-

These guys live eat and breath the crimson tide. They at 30 sing their silly songs (if they have had a few drinks) a few have lockjaw and trust me they all dress the "code". They are often bragging about their golf game, dropping the Harvard name, very absorbed with status but at the same time turning their nose up at anyone who is "ostentatious:" little do they know they are like the poster child.

I just find it all obnoxious. My bf thank God is not this way so much, of the group he is the most laid back but also the most likable and always the one first on any of theirs lists. Crazy smart but not full of himself, fun to be around ,great witty sense of humor and a charmer without trying too hard. So they all formed this really tight bond/cult which on one hand is kind of nice and on the other can feel overbearing.

Of them one is married to a Chinese doctor, two are engaged and one is a "player" as he likes to call himself. A nerdy player (sorry couldn't resist)