Primal scream...or sigh, because I have no energy to scream

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I was in your situation about 10 years ago. I was a second year teacher in a rough inner city Baltimore high school and I HATED my job. I had to be back to work the day my baby turned 6 weeks old. It was awful. I was literally sick to my stomach dropping him off to a daycare provider in the wee hours of the morning so I could get to work by 7:00. Just try to cherish those few hours you get with your baby in the evenings and on the weekends. It will get better OP. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Where is your condo OP? Forward your link. I'm trying to get out of the rental market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your DH make enough alone to cover expenses? Are there ways you can cut back so you can stay at home?

OP here. I've tried every which way to cut our budget (we drive only one car, we never eat out, etc.) but we have three budget killers -- one, we bought a house just before we got married (we got pregnant on our honeymoon, a miracle b/c we're in our 40's). It's not a McMansion or anything, but it's a decent house. Two, my mother needs financial assistance to live in an assisted living facility that focuses on dementia care. And three, my stepchild is in college. The only one of those that is negotiable is the house. We love the house. But we love our son more, obviously. I would sell the house in a heartbeat if it were not for other factors -- I was out of the workforce for a while, need to catch up on retirement contributions, need to earn retirement credits, etc. So it's not just day to day financial. Plus, my insurance is much better than my DH's. So on balance, it feels like I have to work, and I don't have an option for part-time.

[Anonymous]

maril332 wrote:I think you might have PPD. Not to throw that around, but because the feeling of being overwhelmed and constantly missing your baby. I understand that feeling. It is like an actual pain in your heart. When I felt that way, it was like no matter what I was doing I always wanted to cry underneath it all.

Talk to your doctor, see if there is anything you can take for it (that you would be willing to take) and remember its not forever that you will feel this way.

Good luck!

Thank you! I think you're right that I have a touch of PPD. But I think the pain in the heart for being separated from my baby is not something I want to medicate away -- that seems right and natural to me. (It's the feeling overwhelmed by everything else that I wish would go away...but I don't know if that's irrational, either!) I do plan to call a good doc who specializes in PPD, but I've had major clinical depression before, and it doesn't feel like that. When I was deeply depressed, I took pleasure in literally nothing. Everything felt awful. Now, I can take pleasure in my son and in my wonderful husband. In the few hours I have with the baby at night, I can mostly shut off the dread and feel joy. But once he goes to sleep, it all comes crashing down again ... who's going to take care of him all day? How am I going to keep up with everything?

[maril332]

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I think you might have PPD. Not to throw that around, but because the feeling of being overwhelmed and constantly missing your baby. I understand that feeling. It is like an actual pain in your heart. When I felt that way, it was like no matter what I was doing I always wanted to cry underneath it all.

Talk to your doctor, see if there is anything you can take for it (that you would be willing to take) and remember its not forever that you will feel this way.

Good luck!

Thank you! I think you're right that I have a touch of PPD. But I think the pain in the heart for being separated from my baby is not something I want to medicate away -- that seems right and natural to me. (It's the feeling overwhelmed by everything else that I wish would go away...but I don't know if that's irrational, either!) I do plan to call a good doc who specializes in PPD, but I've had major clinical depression before, and it doesn't feel like that. When I was deeply depressed, I took pleasure in literally nothing. Everything felt awful. Now, I can take pleasure in my son and in my wonderful husband. In the few hours I have with the baby at night, I can mostly shut off the dread and feel joy. But once he goes to sleep, it all comes crashing down again ... who's going to take care of him all day? How am I going to keep up with everything?

That is exactly the feeling I am talking about. You don't have to medicate the feeling away, but being in a constant overwhelmed and depressed state isn't good either. It is natural to feel a little sad when you leave your little bundle of awesome but if you just feel like non functional because of the sadness that is severe PPD.

Do you have different caregivers or is it just one person? Bc you mentioned "who will be caring for him".

Do you have any sick or vacation days you can use now? Can you telecommute a few days a week? Go to your Dr. get things checked out and spend time at home with your baby. Again, hugs, and I hope you can get a little relief this weekend and you can spend time with your baby.