Primal scream...or sigh, because I have no energy to scream

[Anonymous]

I am sitting here pumping milk for my nearly 4-month old, way past what should be my bedtime, feeling utterly depressed and overwhelmed. Just putting this primal scream, or maybe a pathetic primal sigh, out into the universe in the hopes of being embraced with empathy or suggestions or hope of some sort:

I'm back at work and I miss my baby more acutely than I imagined was possible. It physically hurts to be away from him.

I hate my job. I try to be grateful to have a job after being unemployed for 3 years a few years ago. I have health insurance for our family, a great thing. But I'm constantly needed by over 70 people that I support in my position, and I'm overwhelmed and can't help anyone quickly enough. Before the baby, i'd work late a few nights a week to keep up. Now I can't do that, and I spend the day feeling like a disappointment to everyone and just missing my baby like crazy.

We haven't yet found a day care for the baby. I missed out on a spot in a good family day care, and every one I have seen since then is just not good in comparison, not even close. My baby was a preemie and he's so happy now, so content, and it scares the life out of me to put him somewhere where he might not get much attention, might have to cry to be noticed. He trusts me and his dad to be there, and we have been. I haven't found anyone that I trust at all yet, despite so many many many interviews and home visits. I can't quit my job. My DH has been on paternity leave but we're running out of time.

My mom has Alheimer's. She just found nodules in her breasts at a mammogram last week. She lives 300 miles away. I am so tired at the end of every day I don't knew how I am going to visit her or support her from a distance.

My milk supply is low.

We saw a mouse in our house this week. In our bedroom.

I am underwater in a condo I had before I got married, and it's currently vacant. We out it up on craigslist this week after having it vacant for over a year because we didn't have time to finish renovating it. We've thrown unbelievable amounts of money away procrastinating on getting the renovations done. We lines up two showings this week and neither person is interested. I'm too tired to go work on it more and stage it for better showings. I should hire a babysitter and work on it in the evenings, but I miss the baby ago much he's all I want to do after work.

By the time I get home from work, my baby only has 2 hours or so before he falls asleep for the night. I miss him so much.

Primal...whimper.

[Anonymous]

Here's a hug!

[Anonymous]

Another hug to you. I hope you can figure out some workable solutions soon. And I saw a mouse in the house today too! ;(

[Anonymous]

I know it hurts to be away from him. I'm sorry. You are doing your best and supporting your family and you are a heroine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for taking the time for kindness to a complete anonymous stranger. It means something. Would you like to rent a condo or take care of my baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it hurts to be away from him. I'm sorry. You are doing your best and supporting your family and you are a heroine.

*sob* thank you.

[Anonymous]

Can your DH make enough alone to cover expenses? Are there ways you can cut back so you can stay at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it hurts to be away from him. I'm sorry. You are doing your best and supporting your family and you are a heroine.

*sob* thank you.

I wrote the above and I would love love love to take care of a 4 month old. I adore babies. I even need a job. But, I am in Colorado.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for taking the time for kindness to a complete anonymous stranger. It means something. Would you like to rent a condo or take care of my baby?

Sorry I'm in Toronto!

[maril332]

I think you might have PPD. Not to throw that around, but because the feeling of being overwhelmed and constantly missing your baby. I understand that feeling. It is like an actual pain in your heart. When I felt that way, it was like no matter what I was doing I always wanted to cry underneath it all.

Talk to your doctor, see if there is anything you can take for it (that you would be willing to take) and remember its not forever that you will feel this way.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

That's a lot OP and I think a lot of us get it. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to continue breast feeding. If it is becoming more of a burden than an easy thing to do (pumping resulting in at least 6-8oz) then it may be time to consider supplementing. I know for a fact that once you make that decision it will take a lot of the pressure off.

Big hug and here's hoping things get a little easier to manage. My best to and for your mom also.

[Anonymous]

(((Hugs)))

[Anonymous]

OP, not to discount how you are feeling, but try to focus on the great things you have: your partner, baby & health. getting out in nature for a quick stroll may help too. i agree that you should get screened for PPD as well. wishing you the best and sending you positive thoughts!

[Anonymous]

Just a hug, OP. That transition back to work is a rough time, and having family and real estate issues on top of it isn't pretty.

I do concur with others not to beat yourself up if pumping is the thing that has to be reduced so you can sleep or rest...I only pumped at work and supplemented with formula, and it was a good compromise to maintain my sanity.

[Anonymous]

It is just terrible the way women are pressured/forced/etc. to return to work so quickly after having babies. A truly feminist leadership structure in this country would recognize the value/importance of the mother/baby bond. Your reaction to being pulled away from your 4 month old is perfectly natural. It is your instinct screaming that being away from him just isn't right. Hugs.