Coping with silent treatment from mom?

[Anonymous]

You are not alone OP -

My mother is 80 years old (but like a sprightly 60 year old) and has been giving me the silent treatment all through my childhood and into adult life (I am 40 now). I breaks me down into an emotional, tearful mess (in private).

For instance just now, I am being ignored because SHE blamed ME for something I NEVER did Of course I was on the defensive! But when I was adamant I was innocent, she began her inane singing on top of my voice, then ignoring me completely.

This will go on for days I have cried so much my eyes look like red puff-balls, and I can't stop the tears. It's worse for me because I had to move back home to help care for my invalid dad. He talks to me, but doesn't when mum is around I have no siblings to turn to for support.

I feel the silent treatment (or Being Ignored - as I call it) is one of the worst forms of abuse. It has scarred me emotionality throughout my childhood and adult life. I was once told that my mother displays narcissistic behaviour.

Alice UK

[Anonymous]

Did/do you know your grandparents, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone OP -

My mother is 80 years old (but like a sprightly 60 year old) and has been giving me the silent treatment all through my childhood and into adult life (I am 40 now). I breaks me down into an emotional, tearful mess (in private).

For instance just now, I am being ignored because SHE blamed ME for something I NEVER did Of course I was on the defensive! But when I was adamant I was innocent, she began her inane singing on top of my voice, then ignoring me completely.

This will go on for days I have cried so much my eyes look like red puff-balls, and I can't stop the tears. It's worse for me because I had to move back home to help care for my invalid dad. He talks to me, but doesn't when mum is around I have no siblings to turn to for support.

I feel the silent treatment (or Being Ignored - as I call it) is one of the worst forms of abuse. It has scarred me emotionality throughout my childhood and adult life. I was once told that my mother displays narcissistic behaviour.


Alice UK

I am so sorry. Have you worked with a counsellor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you apologized several times. Once was more than enough, because you were right and you were looking out for her.

And silent treatment? At her age? Goodness. Please do not encourage her by falling for that!

See this as a kind of relief, actually - now you can do your own thing! Watch a movie, listen to music, phone your friends... Enjoy yourself blatantly.

OP wasn't right. Her mom is 73, not 103. She is a grown woman fully capable of assessing her own physical abilities. I am 43 and have worked myself to the point of exhaustion while gardening too. If someone said or implied I was too old to do that or to manage my own actions I would be pissed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you apologized several times. Once was more than enough, because you were right and you were looking out for her.

And silent treatment? At her age? Goodness. Please do not encourage her by falling for that!

See this as a kind of relief, actually - now you can do your own thing! Watch a movie, listen to music, phone your friends... Enjoy yourself blatantly.

OP wasn't right. Her mom is 73, not 103. She is a grown woman fully capable of assessing her own physical abilities. I am 43 and have worked myself to the point of exhaustion while gardening too. If someone said or implied I was too old to do that or to manage my own actions I would be pissed too.

Agree -- You started this, OP. it's not like out of nowhere you got the silent treatment. If this has been "her" pattern since childhood, you knew exactly what would provoke her and you did it anyway.

[Anonymous]

^^ and what's more, you blamed her for it. I only ripped you a new one because I care about you so much!

[Anonymous]

Quote:- ( I am so sorry. Have you worked with a counsellor? )


(This is Alice UK)


No. I have not spoken to a counsellor, it would just cause arguments because I couldn't tell her WHY I needed to talk to a counsellor, and sneaking around to see one would put more stress on me. I am an emotional wreck (especially at times like this when I'm being ignored completely). I cried all last night, and have been in tears (privately) all day today. I can't even eat, I am so upset. I stay out of the way as much as possible - it's better than being treated like an invisible object. I did nothing wrong. I got accused of something I haven't even done. I am being ignored by mum, because all I did was TRY and defend myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid, my mother would give me the silent treatment for MONTHS! When I was 10, I got angry at her for some reason. She didn't speak to me from May - July. Talk about psychotic.

Honestly, I would treat her like a child. She certainly acts like one!

That's really abusive. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone OP -

My mother is 80 years old (but like a sprightly 60 year old) and has been giving me the silent treatment all through my childhood and into adult life (I am 40 now). I breaks me down into an emotional, tearful mess (in private).

For instance just now, I am being ignored because SHE blamed ME for something I NEVER did Of course I was on the defensive! But when I was adamant I was innocent, she began her inane singing on top of my voice, then ignoring me completely.

This will go on for days I have cried so much my eyes look like red puff-balls, and I can't stop the tears. It's worse for me because I had to move back home to help care for my invalid dad. He talks to me, but doesn't when mum is around I have no siblings to turn to for support.

I feel the silent treatment (or Being Ignored - as I call it) is one of the worst forms of abuse. It has scarred me emotionality throughout my childhood and adult life. I was once told that my mother displays narcissistic behaviour.

Alice UK

You need to be paid for your services and you need a counselor to work on setting boundaries. My mother pulled this shit as well, but rarely tries too anymore because I've trained her that it isn't going to work. You are under no obligation to help them! God, if I was you I never would have moved in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quote:- ( I am so sorry. Have you worked with a counsellor? )


(This is Alice UK)


No. I have not spoken to a counsellor, it would just cause arguments because I couldn't tell her WHY I needed to talk to a counsellor, and sneaking around to see one would put more stress on me. I am an emotional wreck (especially at times like this when I'm being ignored completely). I cried all last night, and have been in tears (privately) all day today. I can't even eat, I am so upset. I stay out of the way as much as possible - it's better than being treated like an invisible object. I did nothing wrong. I got accused of something I haven't even done. I am being ignored by mum, because all I did was TRY and defend myself.

Pack your bags and when they see you leaving say it isn't working out. Grow up an really defend yourself!

[Anonymous]

OP, I would ask her to leave early. No need for you to say sorry. It's your house and you are the leader in your house and for your child! Very reasonable for you to ask your mother to not take muscle relaxers while caring for your child (or not cause herself bodily injury necessitating muscle relaxers) and if she is petulant about it tell her to take a hike. Don't apologize!

I say this all sympathetically. My mother, grandmothers and MIL all pull this shit. And I've had to learn these lessons over time.

Alice in the UK, please get counseling from a fully credentialed psychologist (I know the system for psychology is different there). There is no need for you to be bullied by your mum but that has to start with you changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid, my mother would give me the silent treatment for MONTHS! When I was 10, I got angry at her for some reason. She didn't speak to me from May - July. Talk about psychotic.

Honestly, I would treat her like a child. She certainly acts like one!

That's really abusive. I'm so sorry.

+1. Really awful thing to do to a child

My MIL (teacher) has bragged about doing it to students

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you apologized several times. Once was more than enough, because you were right and you were looking out for her.

And silent treatment? At her age? Goodness. Please do not encourage her by falling for that!

See this as a kind of relief, actually - now you can do your own thing! Watch a movie, listen to music, phone your friends... Enjoy yourself blatantly.

OP wasn't right. Her mom is 73, not 103. She is a grown woman fully capable of assessing her own physical abilities. I am 43 and have worked myself to the point of exhaustion while gardening too. If someone said or implied I was too old to do that or to manage my own actions I would be pissed too.

Get over yourself.. It's people being so dern sensitive that starts this bull. She was concerned about hero their... THE HORROR!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you apologized several times. Once was more than enough, because you were right and you were looking out for her.

And silent treatment? At her age? Goodness. Please do not encourage her by falling for that!

See this as a kind of relief, actually - now you can do your own thing! Watch a movie, listen to music, phone your friends... Enjoy yourself blatantly.

OP wasn't right. Her mom is 73, not 103. She is a grown woman fully capable of assessing her own physical abilities. I am 43 and have worked myself to the point of exhaustion while gardening too. If someone said or implied I was too old to do that or to manage my own actions I would be pissed too.

Agree -- You started this, OP. it's not like out of nowhere you got the silent treatment. If this has been "her" pattern since childhood, you knew exactly what would provoke her and you did it anyway.

Wait, was her mother invited to do gardening? This is not her home, remember. I'd actually be pretty annoyed if stuff was done to my house without my ok. I'm guessing OP's mom thought she was surprising her daughter and instead of getting "thanks!" she got admonished, so she pouted and sulked. There's enough blame to go around here, but I would not say OP started it. Mom did by taking it upon herself to do tasks at her daughter's home.

[Anonymous]

Wow, sounds just like my mother! She's 70 and half the time I don't know I've upset her until months/years later when she berates me by email - never verbally and never at the time of the incident (which I am usually blissfully unaware of). When my children were babies, she would come to stay and spend half her time in the bedroom reading books - I would definitely get the feeling that something was wrong but when I questioned her, she would make some lame excuse for staying in the bedroom, it used to drive me crazy - why fly all that way to spend time with us and then ignore us?!!! We had a huge blow-up 7 months ago after she told me she was disappointed and upset that I had not shown enough enthusiasm for her birthday plans (!!!), so I told her what I thought of her behaviour and I am still paying for it. I try to be unfailingly polite and upbeat, try really hard not to get angry (very difficult at times), but nothing works. She appears to have now disconnected her email and has not rung me in weeks (we were taking turns calling each other), I am pretty sure she is escalating her passive-aggressive tactics to get a reaction from me, but I refuse to participate. I feel like I am dealing with a teenager, not a woman of 70. She has upset other family members with her PA behaviour and just doesn't seem to realise she is hurting no one but herself. So frustrating!