Tips for cutting off a sibling?

[Anonymous]

It's painful, but I've done it, OP. What finally made me stop after years of chasing a relationship with my sibling was that I went through five years of emails from my sibling looking for one word of support, encouragement or love. What I found was email after email full of spite, derision, a cold shoulder, lies and endless put downs and evasions. When I looked at all that objectively, I could not see why I was bothering to keep trying to have a relationship with such a toxic person! It really seemed crazy on my part.

I wrote my sibling a letter, said my door was always open, but that I required certain things in a relationship. I asked sibling to call or visit any time to start off in a new direction. Well, it's been three years, and I'm still waiting for that call/visit! And, you know what? I'm sad about losing the relationship with my only sibling, but on the other hand, what I "lost" was not a relationship at all, but a fantasy or dream of a relationship I wanted but never had with my sibling.

And the other thing I "lost" was all that ANGER! I used to rage and rage (to DH, who was sick of it) at my sibling's latest slight, etc. No more. That's gone, and goodbye and good riddance. My life is better now, no question. Sometimes you have to make choices, and there are always costs, but you have to weigh what's best for you overall. My life is better without the constant irritation caused by my sibling, so sadness is the price I pay.

[Anonymous]

I cut off my brother, after coming to terms that having a relationship with him will never happen without lying and manipulation.

My advice is to not engage other family/siblings/parents. Resist the urge to complain to them. Have your quiet confidence knowing you're doing the right thing, and change the subject if they bring it up. Make it clear to them that you cannot have a relationship with them or contact with them because that is simply better for your life. Do not be mean, do not respond with snark or hostility. Be clear, firm, and business-like. Do not compromise or negotiate.

It's sad, but you have to live with the inner confidence knowing you tried and at least gave it repeated shots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just cease contact. If they are at family functions, avoid them. If people ask you how said sibling is doing just say fine.

My only sibling has anger issues. I couldn't handle it anymore. The first couple of years were painful. But I now find that I am at peace with it all. I wish him well. I just refuse to be an emotional punching bag anymore. I miss having a brother, but I don't miss having the brother he became.

+1 I feel lonely and would love to have my brother be in my family. But his anger issues, out bursts, excusing himself for his behavior -- it was just an emotional roller coaster, with me as his punching bag. So glad to be off of it and doing something else with my life. I also am not angry, or bitter, just going on with my life without him.

[Anonymous]

^^ I also do not discuss this with others, including the other sibs, except the ones who feel the same way. But just "yes, I feel it too" not a long, long discussion of it.

[Anonymous]

Can you see the therapist just yourself? I have a friend who has been going through a similar situation and the therapist helped her figure out what was important to her and has helped her define the relationship and her expectations of the relationship and helped her figure out an action plan. They still have parents alive and one is going through some serious health issues- so she still has to have contact, but once her parents are gone, there will be no contact unless her sibling comes around.

Hugs!

[Anonymous]

I invited the rest of my family to join DH our kids in Hawaii one Christmas the year my brother was scheduled to spend Christmas with his in-laws. Brother hasn't spoken to me since and usually leaves the room when I enter when we're together at family events (happens 1X/year maybe). It's been 6 years....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off my brother, after coming to terms that having a relationship with him will never happen without lying and manipulation.

My advice is to not engage other family/siblings/parents. Resist the urge to complain to them. Have your quiet confidence knowing you're doing the right thing, and change the subject if they bring it up. Make it clear to them that you cannot have a relationship with them or contact with them because that is simply better for your life. Do not be mean, do not respond with snark or hostility. Be clear, firm, and business-like. Do not compromise or negotiate.

It's sad, but you have to live with the inner confidence knowing you tried and at least gave it repeated shots.

This is great advice IMHO. I found it work for me to distance myself. We only speak at family functions and I limit it to small talk. I do not answer emails or calls anymore because it just opens up the door to more toxicity in my inbox or answering machine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ended a relationship with a sibling? Can you share some suggestions about going forward permanently cutting them out of your life?

I've tried everything to "make it work." They are nothing but toxic, petty and personally mean, and supremely selfish. I've even arranged for therapy sessions for us, but those turned out to be futile (therapist seems to sympathize more with me, but the sibling refuses to do anything to move forward to work on our relationship).

Our parents passed away some time ago, so it's us and a few other siblings. I've given up on this one though. I'm really ready to be completely done of them.

Would you associate/be friends with them if they weren't blood relatives? If not - let them go. They certainly won't miss you.

[Anonymous]

OP, why can't you treat the sibling like a neighbor.
Don't arrange get togethers but if you're in the same room be courteous but always have an exit strategy. Never get into a situation where you couldn't physically leave. Send a holiday card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just cease contact. If they are at family functions, avoid them. If people ask you how said sibling is doing just say fine.

My only sibling has anger issues. I couldn't handle it anymore. The first couple of years were painful. But I now find that I am at peace with it all. I wish him well. I just refuse to be an emotional punching bag anymore. I miss having a brother, but I don't miss having the brother he became.

+1 I feel lonely and would love to have my brother be in my family. But his anger issues, out bursts, excusing himself for his behavior -- it was just an emotional roller coaster, with me as his punching bag. So glad to be off of it and doing something else with my life. I also am not angry, or bitter, just going on with my life without him.

+2

With my brother, it is his way or the highway. The last straw for me was when he threatened to sue me (long story). There is no reason to have such toxicity in my life.

I never initiate contact, and I do not return his phone calls. I do not send cards or emails or any other communications.

I'm not angry - just at peace with the reduced stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just cease contact. If they are at family functions, avoid them. If people ask you how said sibling is doing just say fine.

My only sibling has anger issues. I couldn't handle it anymore. The first couple of years were painful. But I now find that I am at peace with it all. I wish him well. I just refuse to be an emotional punching bag anymore. I miss having a brother, but I don't miss having the brother he became.

+1 I feel lonely and would love to have my brother be in my family. But his anger issues, out bursts, excusing himself for his behavior -- it was just an emotional roller coaster, with me as his punching bag. So glad to be off of it and doing something else with my life. I also am not angry, or bitter, just going on with my life without him.

+2

With my brother, it is his way or the highway. The last straw for me was when he threatened to sue me (long story). There is no reason to have such toxicity in my life.

I never initiate contact, and I do not return his phone calls. I do not send cards or emails or any other communications.

I'm not angry - just at peace with the reduced stress.

+3

We should form some kind of support group for siblings of brothers with massive anger and toxicity issues.

A couple of years ago, I made the decision to severely limit contact with him. Of course I wish we had a better relationship, but chasing the impossible is futile. He is not a positive person to have in my life. It is what it is, but my life is much better without the burden of constantly dealing with the drama and assholeness.

[Anonymous]

As some one who's been the outsider of some family dispute - I'd recommend having a non-confrontational fade away. If there are any lingering on-going ties, like any jointly owned assets inherited from your parents, then wrap those up - ie, sell your share - and move on.

I know it's tempting to go off on some one, let them know how done you are and why, but please don't make a scene, yell, let the years of frustration out in some diatribe. Just wrap up any lingering material ties, and then be polite but distant at family functions. You just end up punishing everyone else when there can't be joint holidays anymore because the cut off was so dramatic that people aren't willing to be in the same room any more. The cousins don't get the hang out, the siblings you do like have to split up their Christmas holiday - you end up punishing the wrong people if you handle this poorly.

[Anonymous]

^ great advice.

I would add to the op ~ the problem with any confrontation is you then become part of the problem. And add drama.

[Anonymous]

I just don't answer the phone. I don't call him. I don't text him back. When he posts on my timeline on Facebook, I just ignore it. I don't offer him money. My mom told me something about my brother yesterday (he's going on a work trip) that I would have liked to know, but I reminded myself that this was the price for peace.

I do see him when we have family gatherings, and we are on good terms. I just can't be involved with him when he's drinking and trying to control everything in everyone else's lives.

[Anonymous]

My sister stopped communicating with me and my mother after we both lost our husbands. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with it, but I now realize that I was always uncomfortable in her presence. She's done a lot of mean things, but this is the worst. Unfortunately I'm not invited to my nephew's wedding although I've known him all his life. It's been almost three years now since we've communicated. I don't read Facebook, it just makes me feel bad. Glad there are others out there, but it's slightly different to be cut off than cutting someone off.