What one issue strains your relationship with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP on level of cleanliness. My mom cleans my (perfectly clean, done just before she arrived) house every time she visits. No matter what I do, it's not good enough.

And PP at 12:39 on the ILs ASSuming every single bit of PTO we get should be spent with them on family vacations and/or to take off for the whole week when they decide to visit. Somehow the concept of PTO being finite eludes them, as does the fact that according to my H, they took exactly 2 trips his entire youth with his grandparents...we've been on 3 in the last 5 years.

Yes, what is up with that. When I was growing up, we took each set of grandparents on a family vacay ONCE each and both times it was for a long weekend. Now these extended family, week long (or more) group vacations have become commonplace and in some cases EXPECTED...

[Anonymous]

"Just wondering, does anyone else have these revolving door issues that never go away?"

Your issues will go away when you teach your children to pick up after themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP, based on what you've said, I think you should tell your mom that you're not going to keep your private room clutter free but you will make sure that it is in picture perfect pristine clean form when you leave. After all, it's your private space for the time you're there and you can keep the door closed if it bothers her. After all, you're following her standards in the rest of the house and it sounds like you're fully engaged in sharing the housework during your visit.

And then when your mom tries to make you feel like a failure, do not get sucked into a "back and forth" with her. Do not argue with her. Do not justify yourself. Just very politely tell her with a smile that you'll clean it up before you leave.

This will be hard to do because you're so used to accepting her framing of the situation but if you can manage to do it you will feel better. You will feel more like you're having an actual visit with your mom rather than just knuckling under to her.

Your post is triggering some unpleasant memories of my mom and how she behaved when my daughter was born. (Long story short: Secret anxieties explode in scary situations like babies being born!) I can't believe that even at the age of 38 I felt like she could judge me and that I had to justify myself to her. Looking back now, I realize I could easily have told her that the situation was none of her business and let her deal with it as she may. I got better over the years at setting limits with her which improved our relationship but I still wish I could go back in time and redo that one!

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Favoritism and selective memories prevented a feeling of closeness and caused a lack of trust.

[Anonymous]

My parents are actually fantastic. My extended family is a little bit more challenging since we moved away. We go back to visit for almost every holiday or event (5-6 hour drive). But they give us push back when we tell them we plan on leaving by noon on Sunday, and regularly schedule late lunches or dinner, which we can't attend. I don't expect them to change their style just because we live further away, but if they want us there that badly it just can't be late in the day on a Sunday when we have a long drive ahead with 2 kids. They guilt trip us like crazy, yet haven't been able to adjust at all to compromise. Then they get mad when we tell them that if the event is starting at 3pm on a Sunday, we're not going to be coming in for the weekend at all.

[Anonymous]

My parents are hoarders, be glad your mother is a neat freak. You have no idea how lucky you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A vent and a question.

What one issue strains your adult relationship with your mom?

For me it is that I cannot maintain her level of clutter free, perfect looking housekeeping. I definitely know that my tolerance for some clutter stems from a childhood of super strict no clutter anywhere vigilance by my mom. We spend time at her beach house in the summer with extended family with lots of people around. I do a lot of the cooking, grocery shopping, bringing chairs, snacks/supplies to the beach, all of the hard core cleaning on the main floor I work to maintain no clutter (bathroom cleaning, mopping floors), beach towel laundry, etc. Upstairs, my 3 children share a room and occasionally, the room can looked "lived in". We make the beds and I do laundry just about every day but sometimes life takes over and we get some clutter. If it doesn't look like a hotel room, my mom freaks and makes me feel like a failure-in spite of everything else that I do in the house. We go back and forth on this and I know the answer is to just maintain her standards in her house. I get it-on my way to fully hotel-ize the upstairs and I will apologize and thank her again for use of the beach house.

Just wondering, does anyone else have these revolving door issues that never go away?

This issue seems silly, and I guess we are lucky that this is the issue. We have healthy kids, productive careers, good marriages and do spend a lot of happy time together as an extended family. But she really got me this time.

Thanks for the vent, no advice needed, I know that clutter can be my Achille's heel and I know what to do to fix it.

Ask her if she'd like to come to your own house and demonstrate perfect housekeeping. Hand her a mop, bucket, dustrags, bathroom cleaner, etc. Say you are very dense and really need her to show you even it takes a few hours out of your day, but you absolutely MUST learn from an exemplary housekeeper such as herself and you are so afraid you will never be as good as she is. If she takes you up on the offer, let her at it and thank her for the free cleaning service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A vent and a question.

What one issue strains your adult relationship with your mom?

For me it is that I cannot maintain her level of clutter free, perfect looking housekeeping. I definitely know that my tolerance for some clutter stems from a childhood of super strict no clutter anywhere vigilance by my mom. We spend time at her beach house in the summer with extended family with lots of people around. I do a lot of the cooking, grocery shopping, bringing chairs, snacks/supplies to the beach, all of the hard core cleaning on the main floor I work to maintain no clutter (bathroom cleaning, mopping floors), beach towel laundry, etc. Upstairs, my 3 children share a room and occasionally, the room can looked "lived in". We make the beds and I do laundry just about every day but sometimes life takes over and we get some clutter. If it doesn't look like a hotel room, my mom freaks and makes me feel like a failure-in spite of everything else that I do in the house. We go back and forth on this and I know the answer is to just maintain her standards in her house. I get it-on my way to fully hotel-ize the upstairs and I will apologize and thank her again for use of the beach house.

Just wondering, does anyone else have these revolving door issues that never go away?

This issue seems silly, and I guess we are lucky that this is the issue. We have healthy kids, productive careers, good marriages and do spend a lot of happy time together as an extended family. But she really got me this time.

Thanks for the vent, no advice needed, I know that clutter can be my Achille's heel and I know what to do to fix it.

Ask her if she'd like to come to your own house and demonstrate perfect housekeeping. Hand her a mop, bucket, dustrags, bathroom cleaner, etc. Say you are very dense and really need her to show you even it takes a few hours out of your day, but you absolutely MUST learn from an exemplary housekeeper such as herself and you are so afraid you will never be as good as she is. If she takes you up on the offer, let her at it and thank her for the free cleaning service.

PP here. I've begun doing this with my own mother when I realized I'd have to be crazy to fight with someone over who can use a toilet brush or mop better. If you want to show your superior cleaning skills, more power to you. Next time my mother makes a peep about dust or whatever in my home, she can get to work and show me how it's done.

[Anonymous]

The biggest issue I have with my parents was that we couldn't talk about anything after they died!

[Anonymous]

OP - thankfully my mom doesn't pick on my housekeeping in MY house, but when I was growing up my friends used to tease that "the 5 second rule is the 5 minute rule are her house" - I had the house with fragile things and light colored carpet where kids could only play outside.

[Anonymous]

I love my parents, they are great...especially my mother.

My biggest issue would be religious and political disagreements, but we just don't talk about religious or politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents, they are great...especially my mother.

My biggest issue would be religious and political disagreements, but we just don't talk about religious or politics.

Same with mine. They wish my siblings and I agreed with them on all political/religious issues so we can all be mad at the big bad world world together.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a hoarder, she did some terribe things when my brother and I were kids (made us lie about no one being home to our teachers, kept us up way past bedtime as she had to clear up our beds, etc).
What is worse, my father is a total doormat and never ever tried to shield us from the sick spouse. In fact he regularly stays up late against his will as she sorts her filthy stuff on his bed.
I have tried to rebuild my relationship with parents when I had a child of my own, but they are just crazy.
They would come 'to play with baby' and stay for the day, showering at my place, using my washing machine, etc.
I am happy we live across the country now.

[Anonymous]

My mom has become very racist over the past 10 or so years. It's offensive, embarrassing, and so disappointing. I can barely have a conversation with her because of it. I don't let DS around her w/o supervision because I don't want it to rub off on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a hoarder, she did some terribe things when my brother and I were kids (made us lie about no one being home to our teachers, kept us up way past bedtime as she had to clear up our beds, etc).
What is worse, my father is a total doormat and never ever tried to shield us from the sick spouse. In fact he regularly stays up late against his will as she sorts her filthy stuff on his bed.
I have tried to rebuild my relationship with parents when I had a child of my own, but they are just crazy.
They would come 'to play with baby' and stay for the day, showering at my place, using my washing machine, etc.
I am happy we live across the country now.

I swear we must have the same parents. I haven't been to their house in over 5 years.