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[quote=Anonymous]OP, based on what you've said, I think you should tell your mom that you're not going to keep your private room clutter free but you will make sure that it is in picture perfect pristine clean form when you leave.  After all, it's your private space for the time you're there and you can keep the door closed if it bothers her.  After all, you're following her standards in the rest of the house and it sounds like you're fully engaged in sharing the housework during your visit.

And then when your mom tries to make you feel like a failure, do [i]not[/i] get sucked into a "back and forth" with her.  Do not argue with her.  Do not justify yourself.  Just very politely tell her with a smile that you'll clean it up before you leave.

This will be hard to do because you're so used to accepting her framing of the situation but if you can manage to do it you will feel better.  You will feel more like you're having an actual visit with your mom rather than just knuckling under to her.

Your post is triggering some unpleasant memories of my mom and how she behaved when my daughter was born.  (Long story short: Secret anxieties explode in scary situations like babies being born!) I can't believe that even at the age of 38 I felt like she could judge me and that I had to justify myself to her.  Looking back now, I realize I could easily have told her that the situation was none of her business and let her deal with it as she may.  I got better over the years at setting limits with her which improved our relationship but I still wish I could go back in time and redo that one!

Good luck, OP!
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