First pregnancy and parents are completely MIA

[Anonymous]

OP here. I freely acknowledge that I have changed, in large part because of my frustration with them. I have decided not to be the one to take the full burden of our relationship on my shoulders anymore because I feel that any relationship must be a two-way street. They have responded to my pulling back with the exact same behavior they’ve shown in recent years which is doing a whole lot of nothing. To be clear, they have changed too – prior to my marriage, they definitely called more and were more engaged. Perhaps that changed because they felt they needed to give us space, or whatever, but it has not always been complete silence on their end.

We have talked about it, but after I started pulling back, so their response to me was that I don’t call them either. Argh! They have completely “forgotten” the past decade where it was complete effort only on my part. So frustrating. I think I am just at the point where I am done but I feel bad about it because of course they are my parents and I want them involved in my life. I have just come to the difficult realization that I cannot change them and I cannot force them to be interested or engaged. I guess I thought that a grandchild would help change things because they have always wanted one (and freely told me so). It really isn’t that I feel the need for them to pamper me or overly acknowledge that I am pregnant – I am not looking for that despite what some of you have said. I have a strong support network in my husband and my friends, but that doesn’t replace your parents and simply wanting them to be there in some capacity. I was just hoping this might help change their behavior in a positive way. I am disappointed that it has not because frankly, I expected more from them which I know is not realistic. Doesn’t stop a girl from dreaming!

I think that many of you are exactly right and that I have to adjust my mindset. It is just disappointing and I do feel guilty in not continuing to shoulder 100% of this relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, as others note in many ways here, you should not expect them to behave differently because you're pregnant. Hoping that a baby would make them more interested in you is putting far too much of a burden on the baby, frankly. They did not give you the attention you wanted before you were pregnant, so why did you believe that your pregnancy would change them? You cannot control other people; you can only control your reactions to other people. Your hurt started way earlier than this pregnancy, clearly.

One other thing: They may be from a generation, region of the country or culture where it's just not considered the "done thing" to lavish attention on others -- yes, even on their own adult children -- and they may be from a place or time when privacy was the norm, especially for pregnancies. I'm not saying they're medieval here; but I know my mom was a very loving but very private person who believed that others should have their privacy as well. She and I kept in good touch during my pregnancy -- but we were very close and had always stayed in close touch before I was ever pregnant. But she did not rush up here to see my pregnant self, and she said to me clearly that she would not come up for the baby's birth but would come some weeks afterward, so we would have time to adjust as a family. That was all perfectly fine and what I would have wanted (and what I would have expected of her, based on her lifelong personality, which my pregnancy did not change for her). Base your expectations on your parents' long-proven actions and their values (such as valuing privacy, or valuing their own time now that they are empty nesters, perhaps), and not on your hopes.

Have you tried just asking them to come see you? Just saying out loud, "I really want you be more involved in my baby's life and to call me more often now than you have in the past?" Why not say it? They may have zero idea that you want that and may say "We thought you'd want to be alone with your husband/enjoying being pregnant/there's nothing we could do to help/we don't want to be in your way...." Those are the ways many older people think. "We don't want to be in the way." But you're interpreting it as a slight against you when it may be their attempt to give you what they think you want - they won't know otherwise if you have not told them otherwise.

[Anonymous]

My parents never grew up maturity wise. I found that they were even less interested in me/ my family after children. My DH's family is there for us though. I focus on the positive-they've never been arrested, never were physically abusive, and aren't relying on me to provide them financial support as an adult. I realize my bar is very low but your situation could always be worse and I find it helpful to focus on these "positives". Also, don't focus on what your parents say it is what they do that counts.