First pregnancy and parents are completely MIA

[Anonymous]

I'm pregnant with my first child and my parents' first grandchild. While they seem to be excited when I see them in person (always when I travel there - very rarely do they make the 6-hour drive here to see us), they never call, email, etc. to check in on me. In fact, they've called me a total of 2 times during my entire pregnancy. Prior to my pregnancy, it was pretty much me making all of the effort - calling them once a week, going to visit them 4-5 times a year with them very rarely calling and only visiting us once a year, at most. I really thought my getting pregnant would make them more interested in being a part of our lives. I have become so hurt by this (which I feel is justified) that I've stopped calling them. We literally have not spoken since April and I'm due on Monday. They couldn't seem to care less, and while it bothers me that we haven't spoken, it bothers me more that they are so unconcerned by it all. Am I totally crazy or are my feelings justified? Sorry - just venting a bit, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Sounds familiar except it is my in-laws. They never visited my husband and only came up, at his request, so they could meet me before he proposed. DH made all the effort. Kids do not change it so prepare yourself for hurt feelings forever. With us, two kids later and they only visit 1 time per year. Only grandchildren--1 time per year. It sounds great to people who have very invasive families but it makes me sad. They stay less than a week. My kids are great but my inlaws are just very self-involved. They don't have to take leave to visit but still don't come. They expect us to visit even though that means traveling far with two little kids and taking leave from work. As weird as it sounds, I think they believe the current arrangement is more convenient for US. They feel like they are imposing when they are here so they never come.

I know I am venting back to you but my main point is that you are hurt and sad that your parents are not involved or feeling interested. I have gone through similar periods with my own parents and I eventually got so resentful, hurt and sad that I exploded into tears to my mom and she was shocked. I think parents of grown children try hard to let us be our own people and try not to inconvenience us. I think that sometimes they worry they will say or do something wrong and one thing they often do wrong is stop parenting us! We still like and want attention even when we are grown up and becoming parents ourselves.

Sadly, though, don't expect things to change. And DO NOT LET IT SPOIL YOUR PREGNANCY! Be a happy momma to be! You will never again be able to eat when you want and not worry about YOUR children so have fun.

One last thought---first grandchildren can kind of rock parents. It is like reality is actually telling them that they are the "older" generation. You and your husband are the new center generation. That kind of reshuffles the whole order of things and some grandparents really struggle with that.

Your feelings are justified but you will find that soon enough YOU will the sun, moon and stars to a little person and that is very very fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds familiar except it is my in-laws. They never visited my husband and only came up, at his request, so they could meet me before he proposed. DH made all the effort. Kids do not change it so prepare yourself for hurt feelings forever. With us, two kids later and they only visit 1 time per year. Only grandchildren--1 time per year. It sounds great to people who have very invasive families but it makes me sad. They stay less than a week. My kids are great but my inlaws are just very self-involved. They don't have to take leave to visit but still don't come. They expect us to visit even though that means traveling far with two little kids and taking leave from work. As weird as it sounds, I think they believe the current arrangement is more convenient for US. They feel like they are imposing when they are here so they never come.

I know I am venting back to you but my main point is that you are hurt and sad that your parents are not involved or feeling interested. I have gone through similar periods with my own parents and I eventually got so resentful, hurt and sad that I exploded into tears to my mom and she was shocked. I think parents of grown children try hard to let us be our own people and try not to inconvenience us. I think that sometimes they worry they will say or do something wrong and one thing they often do wrong is stop parenting us! We still like and want attention even when we are grown up and becoming parents ourselves.

Sadly, though, don't expect things to change. And DO NOT LET IT SPOIL YOUR PREGNANCY! Be a happy momma to be! You will never again be able to eat when you want and not worry about YOUR children so have fun.

One last thought---first grandchildren can kind of rock parents. It is like reality is actually telling them that they are the "older" generation. You and your husband are the new center generation. That kind of reshuffles the whole order of things and some grandparents really struggle with that.

Your feelings are justified but you will find that soon enough YOU will the sun, moon and stars to a little person and that is very very fulfilling.

Thank you so much for this. It's so nice to hear that I'm not the only one that has experienced this and you provide some great insights. I am trying hard not to let them disappoint me and am distancing myself so I can prepare for what is most important - my own family and the baby that is coming.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you send your mom or dad an email saying youd like them to be more proactive in calling you and checking in. At worst it won't make a difference but maybe they're just giving you space to do this yourself. My stepmom is very much like this, which I totally don't understand but recognize as part of her character and not a slight to me.

[Anonymous]

BTDT.
*You need to reset your expectations in order to minimize your disappointment.**

I don't say this harshly, but plainly and simply. If you expect a lot and get little in return, you will be (and currently are) sad. If you expect very little, you will only be grateful and appreciative when they do anything for you.
From personal and anecdotal experience, I tell you assuredly things will not change for you. Your parents may also speak to their love and devotion differently than you observe. i.e. They can be very loving grandparents, but just simply not very involved. They are not bad people for this, it may just be their way.

For me, it was both my parents and in-laws. I will also say that some people are just not good with babies. My in-laws are these people, but are now more involved with my pre-K kids.

Be patient with them, but more importantly, be good to yourself. This is your child, not theirs, and what matters is how you and your baby love each other.

My parents are now (recently) both deceased and I can only relive memories of them with my children. Be grateful for what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you send your mom or dad an email saying youd like them to be more proactive in calling you and checking in. At worst it won't make a difference but maybe they're just giving you space to do this yourself. My stepmom is very much like this, which I totally don't understand but recognize as part of her character and not a slight to me.

The OP can do this, but OP remember that this is asking someone to change. You may not get the response you are hoping for.
Or, more likely, despite whatever response you get, the actions may be no different.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this unkindly but you're parents haven't changed. You have and so you're expecting them to as well. As a PP said, you need to re-set your expectations. You don't have the family you wished you did and to prevent continued disappointment, you should focus on changing the things you can - yourself. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this unkindly but you're parents haven't changed. You have and so you're expecting them to as well. As a PP said, you need to re-set your expectations. You don't have the family you wished you did and to prevent continued disappointment, you should focus on changing the things you can - yourself. Hugs.

+1

[Anonymous]

I guess I don't understand what you want. I don't mean this unkindly, but you're pregnant. Why do you suddenly expect your parents to suddenly start calling daily? Enjoy your pregnancy but don't force it on everyone else, even your parents.

[Anonymous]

OP--I posted the long response that you quoted. I want to follow up on some of the other posters thoughts. It is good advice to lower your expectations. It sounds bad--like you are holding them to a lesser standard than you feel you should. It is just that everyone is different and you can't expect everyone to behave the way you think they should.

I think some of the previous posters are wrong that your parents haven't changed but you have. I know that my parents have changed in the way they treat me and my siblings today versus how they treated us when we were younger.

As the last poster who says "I don't understand what you want." Anyone who says that either has never had kids or never had siblings who had kids or never had siblings and has no kids. Basically, that person has always gotten the attention. My guess, though, is that they have never been pregnant or had kids and kind of resent you and other pregnant people. I was a little like that before kids. Just ignore her... she is bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I posted the long response that you quoted. I want to follow up on some of the other posters thoughts. It is good advice to lower your expectations. It sounds bad--like you are holding them to a lesser standard than you feel you should. It is just that everyone is different and you can't expect everyone to behave the way you think they should.

I think some of the previous posters are wrong that your parents haven't changed but you have. I know that my parents have changed in the way they treat me and my siblings today versus how they treated us when we were younger.

As the last poster who says "I don't understand what you want." Anyone who says that either has never had kids or never had siblings who had kids or never had siblings and has no kids. Basically, that person has always gotten the attention. My guess, though, is that they have never been pregnant or had kids and kind of resent you and other pregnant people. I was a little like that before kids. Just ignore her... she is bitter.

"Don't understand what you want" poster here. Mother of 3 and not bitter at all. I really didn't mean it unkindly, and I said that. I'm sorry if you misunderstood. All I meant is that being pregnant is exciting for the woman who is pregnant and for the dad to be, but it is YOUR event, it isn't necessarily everyone else's. when the baby comes (or closer to arrival) it is more "real" and that new person may get lots of attention. Right now enjoy the excitement btw you and DH. Dont expect everyone else to check in daily or even weekly for updates. 9 months is a long time for the rest of the world. It's a lot like a wedding for the people who aren't immediately involved. The bride takes offense to that, too, but she shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents totally suck so I hear you. I agree with everyone that says to lower your expectations. They weren't interested in your life before your pregnancy and you can't expect them to be interested during or after or you'll be living a lifetime of disappointment.

Instead, embrace others around you who do care about you. For me, my friends are like my family since my family is so lacking. And DH's family lives across the Atlantic.

I know, it's shitty.

[Anonymous]

I think some of the previous posters are wrong that your parents haven't changed but you have. I know that my parents have changed in the way they treat me and my siblings today versus how they treated us when we were younger.

You're kidding, right? Of course your parents treat you differently now than when you were younger. There's a huge difference between adolescence and adulthood. And, OP's parents have NOT changed. OP was the one who always made the effort to stay in contact and doing the bulk of the visiting. Now that she (not her parents, she) is pregnant, she thought (hoped) things would be different. They're not. The only thing that's changed is OP is now gestating.

[Anonymous]

Since I went away to college, 23 years ago now, my mother has almost never called me. I believe that she felt that she was letting go and allowing me to be an independent adult.

It has sucked, but I've gotten used to it. I did call her out on it recently, and she started calling me, but then she complained "now I'm doing all the calling." So... I can't win.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry- that must hurt! I think it may be wise to change your mindset. You are about to be a parent, focus on how your parents make you feel right now, and try hard to make sure you are the best parent to your soon to be little one, make sure that your kid won't feel as you do. Just try to look forward!