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Conflicted about going back to work -- any thoughts?
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Anonymous
My friend LOVES her part-time job as a teacher at one of the top-three schools in DC. Like me, she feels like she has the best of all world. She is not doing "flex time," and the school really wants her there, so they are very generous about both time and benefits. I'm sorry that you are bitter and have had bad experiences in your career. Maybe it's your attitude. I'm not sure where Sarah Palin comes in here either. Obviously you're looking to escalate things on this thread. Sorry you feel that women have to work full-time. With good educations and a good work track records, more and more women are choosing different options: to consult, to work part-time, and to stay home for a while if they are lucky. Some moms can't do this; some moms can. OP appears to be in the latter category. |
Anonymous
| forget the job. this baby time will fly by. You can work later, you can not recapture this time. I thought I would work after my first, same thing. either full time or nothing. I choose nothing, never looked back or had a regret. I love staying with my babies. It sucks at times when I want to pee by myself or have an adult conversion with someone but I will do that again, they will not be young again. good luck with your decision. |
Anonymous
I wrote the original comment quoted but not the follow-up. You asked why OP should work and miss the "critical early months"-- because OP has a lot of concerns/questions about how things will work in practice. Going back for 2-3 months (potentially the rockiest time as well) will show her how things will actually work. As for your comment about missing the critical early months, putting this in perspective: we are talking about 60-90 days. Again, Op has the ability to quit immediately if things don't work out. Whether Op can get a part time or consulting gig, that really depends on a variety of factors: industry, experience, contacts, etc. -- none of which we actually know. So, while it's great to say times have changed, the reality is they have not for everyone. And that's why I suggested she look for another job while is still with her current employer. |
Anonymous
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OP, I hear you. I'm in a similar boat. One part of me will really miss my job and the people I work with, clients, etc., but the other part wants to see my baby more often and is worried about childcare.
Your baby isn't born yet? Is there a way to delay this decision and not give an absolute answer until after you have a few months to think it over? Maybe after a few months you will know better if you want to be a SAHM mom or not. |
Anonymous
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I'm surprised no one has mentioned it, but you should also factor in the current state of the economy. I'm hearing more and more about friends getting laid off - folks in good professions, with graduate degrees and a decent amount of experience - and in at least one case, it means a SAHM is trying to find her way back to the work force after 5 years out. How "recession-proof" is your husband's career and/or firm? How transferrable is your own, if you become a SAHM and eventually need to go back to work?
FWIW, I work FT but in a profession with tons of flexibility, so it rarely feels like a sacrifice. I can sympathize with how you're feeling at these early stages, but also consider that after a while at home, you may regret that decision as well (I stayed home 1 year and by the end was really miserable.) So I'd suggest working through all the potential scenarios and what it means for your family life, your income, your future path, etc. Also try going back to your employers to discuss alternative proposals... maybe they will be willing to negotiate something that would work for you both.... Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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I haven't read all the responses, but please consider the blessing you have in front of you. Tomorrow is my first day back from maternity leave and I am miserable. I want more then anything to stay at home with DS. I know it's tough that you can't work part-time, but you are lucky to have options.
I've always made more money then DH and now he's just been laid off. He has a terrible time getting DS to sleep and DS has spent the last two days crying for the majority of the day and then passing out in the late afternoon from exhaustion. It's awful. I'm sure they'll adjust, but right now it's awful. I'd agree with some of the PPs. If you're not sure what to do, then go back to work and give it a try. You can always quit later. You are very lucky to have this option. Yes, these are critical days, but they're all critical days. Your DC will still love you if you go to work for a few months and then decide to come home. DC will still love you even if you work full-time. |
Anonymous
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I am a mom where I stayed home and finished grad school (loved that) then worked parttime. Everyone always told me that PT would be the answer for keeping my foot in the career and still parent the way I wanted to.
I lasted a year. Parttime sucked more than fulltime, I imagine. I was in neither world fully, and I was constantly asking the babysitter to stay late so I could work (and NOT get paid for that time). The person who really got lost was ME. I wasn't a good employee, I wasn't a good mom. I know, I could have managed my time/guilt/everything better. But the point of this story was that I was SO frantic to keep the job that I stopped listening to myself, deep down. I was resentful of the babysitter. I wanted to do the job myself, even though some days were so boring I wanted to throw myself out of a window. Still wanted to be home. It took me almost THREE years to figure out what I wanted, and I still doubt it. But for me, in my heart, these years pass and I know FOR ME, that I will be content looking back knowing I didn't spend them in a job I wasn't even that passionate about. The moral of my story? Fear is a BAD motivator for decision making. If you can afford it, make the decision that is right for you. And I dare say, your child. (That could be you working!!!) |
Anonymous
omg this breaks my heart!!! I too had to go back to work, no choice, make way more than DH. But continue to hope--your DH and DS will get their groove. It is just a big adjustment. Don't forget to give DH some extra attention and love, he probably really needs that right now (as much as you feel like that is what you and DS need, DH is probably doing his very best, and has not ever had this result from trying so hard) And OP, sorry to sidetrack |
denkpaard1
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| I can empathize. I have a good job to return to after birth of second child. When I say good I mean that I love the money. I stayed home with the first child for one year and am so grateful I could. I'm torn but do ultimately think that my children will only be this age and this uniquely dependent on me once. I will be able to work again in my life. But it's still tough to turn down the money and status. |
Anonymous
| I had to work full-time after my 4.5 month maternity leave so I could earn enough hours to get an advanced license in my field. I was miserable. Everybody told me that it would get easier, and it didn't. I missed my baby boy. One year later, I found part-time work, and I, my husband, and my child are all thriving so much better. I ignored my heart for a year, and it tore me up inside. I wouldn't trade my time with my son (or his sibling who is arriving this spring!) for anything. |
Anonymous
| Just wanted to echo a lot of the previous posters. I was in the exact same situation as you this time last year. I had a great job, but there was very little financial benefit. I ended up going back to my job after maternity leave, but it ultimately did not work out because my boss eventually wanted me to work full-time instead of part-time, and I just wasn't ready to make that switch. I loved the work environment and it was my dream job, but I have to say, leaving it was probably the best decision I have ever made. I love being home with my child. Sure, there are days when I really miss work, and there are times when I get nervous about the economy and the stability of my husband's job, but the good days far outweigh the bad. It is such a gift to be able to spend this time with my child. Some posters have suggested that you should go back for a little while, but from my own experience, it's not worth the hassle of trying to find good care for your child---and, on top of that, it's much harder to quit once you've been back because you become reengaged in new projects and people quickly "forget" that you are a new mom. I would not want to go through those months ever again. I feel like the first six months of my child's life were spent in a constant state of worry and anxiety about the job situation. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts. I don't have to decide this month as my baby is due in a few months, and it was really helpful to hear all of your feedback. I am probably going to think about this some more. It is definitely a good point that I can always find a new job that is a bit more family friendly. Sometimes when you are so immersed in your work it is hard to think about that, and I'm sure that once the baby is born I will be so immersed in taking care of the baby that it will be difficult to think about work!
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Anonymous
Let me return to my ORIGINAL point first. I was arguing that no woman should make another feel guilty about her decision to return to work after having children. One PP stated, “Why should she miss out on the critical first months of her baby's life if money is no object, and her employer is already jerking her around? Granted, maybe her employer was being hostile in how s/he handled the OP’s situation, but to blatantly lay a guilt trip on the OP by emphasizing how she’ll “miss out on the critical first months” is rude and condescending. Furthermore, the OP noted the following: “I really enjoy my job and I am not sure I want to stay home full time.” This statement shows that she’s conflicted. I then stated that if she did quit, it’s not always easy to find other jobs, especially in this economy. (noted also by another poster – 14:03: “I'm surprised no one has mentioned it, but you should also factor in the current state of the economy.”) Finally, you harp about the option of consulting, which is – again let me repeat myself – not always a good fit for every career. I used teaching as an example because it’s my profession. Yes, part time is an option, but flex time is not. Nor can you decide to work three days a week, for example, if you’re in the classroom. So NOT all jobs are PT friendly either. I’m glad your friend is happy at “. . . one of the top-three schools in DC.” (Why you feel it’s necessary to mention it’s in the top three is beyond me, but I suppose you’re trying to compete with my Sarah Palin remark). So let me explain that remark to you since you asked: Palin – whom I don’t support – does indeed represent the working mother in many respects. She holds a high profile position, is now a VP candidate, and is the mother of five. By your standards, she should step down and take care of her kids b/c “with good educations and a good work track records, more and more women are choosing different options: to consult, to work part-time, and to stay home for a while if they are lucky.” And Palin is definitely one of the lucky few. I think even you would agree with me on that one. Finally, I am confused as to why you think the following: “I'm sorry that you are bitter and have had bad experiences in your career. Maybe it's your attitude.” WHY would I encourage the OP to stay at her job if I were “bitter?” I am not bitter about my job. (And my school is definitely not considered one of the top three.) I love my job, am successful in this field, have been offered administrative positions (as in assistant principal), and am very happy. But I don’t need to you validate that for me. |
Anonymous
| Simmer down ladies. This actually is NOT about you, and the OP has posted (appreciatively, I might add) so move on. |