Do you help financially your in-laws or parents?

[Anonymous]

Beggars can't be choosers.

If you sort out your finances in such a way that you can fulfill all your needs and desires, fine.

If you are relying on others to bail you out, then they get to have a say on how the money is spent.

[Anonymous]

OP how much do you make and how much annually is this costing you? Maybe she can't live with her sister, but she could downsize perhaps to a condo maybe that is an option to discuss.

[Anonymous]

How old is your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What happens when property taxes are due?

The property taxes are very small and I think she pays them.

Once her tree fell on a neighbor's car and that's how we found out she didn't own home insurance. After that SIL started lobbying for paying for her home insurance. She also pays for MIL's cell phone. And we buy all the major items for MIL - TV, lawn mower, computer, etc.

MIL hardly ever asks for anything directly, I don't know if she's doing it through SIL. SIL is always lobbying for big ticket items for MIL - storage shed, new fence, new refrigerator, etc, etc. They're usually camouflaged as Bday gifts, Christmas gifts, Mother's day gifts, etc. Buying a new siding for an entire house is an expensive Mother's day gift, and already gave flowers and a card.

SIL herself doesn't have any family and makes a decent living. We don't have as much disposable income to throw around.

You can not afford to do this..so...get over the guilt and tell them that you can not afford it.

Seems like doing this would put financial strain on your house hold thereby maybe putting you all in a similar situation. So, what happens if you finance MIL household and something happens in your house? Who is going to come to your rescue?

[Anonymous]

We went though something similar with my in-laws. Both in their lower 60s and they started essentially demanding 10s of thousands of dollars because their investments went south and it was crimping their two-home lifestyle. DH is a big law associate, but his job is nowhere near secure. We have four children, including one thimat has SNs and student loans. It was insane MIL could not see that our family's paycheck was not her's for the asking.

What worked for us was cutting ONE check to get them out of a terriable mess and also telling them that this was all we could do. Period. They came back six months later asking for $25,000. We told them no and it was so awkward. I still cannot believe the conversations we had to have - it was like talking to teenagers.

Good luck OP. Stand your ground!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your MIL?

Early seventies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your MIL?

Early seventies.

She could easily live for 10-15 more years, requiring financial assistance each year in order to maintain her independence. You need to discuss with DH what you are able to do each year going forward and communicate this to SIL. I would not be surprised if SIL is trying to keep MIL in the house to avoid having to take her into her own house.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp, this needs to be a sit down discussion among the siblings. You need to come up with a long term plan. Also, does she have long term care insurance? Probably not? So who will care for MIL then. In my grandmother's case, we sold her house when she went into long term care, and it paid for a few years of very nice care, and, when the money ran out, the siblings split the rest of the long term care costs among themselves. I know that it wasn't cheap, and it would have been really hard for them to cover the costs for years on end, especially as this timed up with college for four of the grandkids. Perhaps instead of spending on the house, you could look into whether long term care is offered through one of your jobs (that's how we pay for it), and offer to cover that. In other words, make an investment into her future.

The insurance issue is a real problem -- perhaps offer to help that.

Bottom line though, do not deplete your own emergency savings. Take it from my personal experience. My mom got very sick, and between her illness and our preemie baby, we went through a huge chunk of our emergency fund. Here we are a few years later and we have not been able to build that fund back up to where it was. It is just too hard with kids and expenses, and we are really trying. But, it was a lot easier to save when we didn't have childcare costs, etc.

In terms of do we help out, sure in a real emergency. When my mother unexpectedly got sick, she could not communicate with us. We had no access to her funds, nor did I want to take them without her knowledge. I am an only child, so we just made sure that the bills get paid while she was unable to do so.

[Anonymous]

Sell the house -- let her move into a nice little senior living apartment...able to maintain independence in a way that does not require a lot of "upkeep"
Your SIL is on crack with what she is doing on that house...makes no sense long-term...she is picking projects and then asking other folks to finance them...
Maybe she can move in with Mom.
Otherwise...you all need to come together and come up with a plan that works for everyone

[Anonymous]

At the very least, you should talk to SIL about needs vs. wants with home maintenance/improvement and how much you can contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your MIL?

Early seventies.

She could easily live for 10-15 more years, requiring financial assistance each year in order to maintain her independence. You need to discuss with DH what you are able to do each year going forward and communicate this to SIL. I would not be surprised if SIL is trying to keep MIL in the house to avoid having to take her into her own house.

So what. I doubt OP is willing too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is retired, lives by herself. Her house is an a really bad shape. She's had some things fixed here and there, but it needs a lot more work. She doesn't have the money.

DH and siblings have done a few things for the house over the years - painted it, replaced the carpet, built a new storage shed, etc. But lately my SIL has been making a lot of effort into fixing it up. She (my SIL) refinanced her house and redone MIL's kitchen and bathroom. Now she wants to replace the siding, but is asking other siblings to split the cost. It's several thousand of dollars.

We're doing ok financially, but not rich, if we come up with the money it will come from our emergency savings or savings for DH's new car. On the other hand, DH feels guilty if he doesn't help and MIL's house does need repairs.

Have you been in similar situations? What to do?

Haven't been in that situation - yet. But it could happen at any time.

No evidence presented of the MIL being a wastrel, so if the siding is really needed, then you need to pony up your share. Buy a new "used" car instead of a new "new" car.

It's all part of being a good child and taking care of your parents as they age. You just need to buck up and do what needs doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm starting to face this with my own mom. And EVERYONE is less prepared. I feel you. My plan (made along with my brother, who lives overseas and makes a lot more than I do) is to help out as much as possible. I will ultimately make a lot of decisions, and bro will likely fund.

None of the lack of preparedness was stupidity. It was years of being middle class (not DC middle class - more like Midwest middle class) and being a public servant and prior to that a SAHM for 20+years.

She has helped me out many times over the years. Returning the favor is the least I can do.

[Anonymous]

People amaze -- calling folks ungrateful and selfish if they do not have the money to throw at needy parents.
Some seniors are needy because of poor planning and bad decsiions...others for other reasons.
Make a plan...do what you can...get together with siblings to come up with a plan that will not leave ANY FAMILY MEMBER BROKE AND HOMELESS.
Trust me...I had a gambling -- broke -- parent (who I was helping) die in March.
I AM STILL DEALING WITH MEDICAID ABOUT AN APPLICATION THAT WAS NEVER COMPLETED BEFORE HE DIED...THEY ARE STILL PROCESSING THE APPLICATION...BECAUSE THE NURSING HOME HE WAS IN FOR 6 WEEKS WANTS THEIR MONEY.
To boot...he lived in a state (different than mine) that has fililial support laws.
So -- no I will not be surprised if I get a bill from them...
Tho these are not bills I am responsible for.

[Anonymous]

We went though something similar with my in-laws. Both in their lower 60s and they started essentially demanding 10s of thousands of dollars because their investments went south and it was crimping their two-home lifestyle. DH is a big law associate, but his job is nowhere near secure. We have four children, including one thimat has SNs and student loans. It was insane MIL could not see that our family's paycheck was not her's for the asking.

What worked for us was cutting ONE check to get them out of a terriable mess and also telling them that this was all we could do. Period. They came back six months later asking for $25,000. We told them no and it was so awkward. I still cannot believe the conversations we had to have - it was like talking to teenagers.

Good luck OP. Stand your ground!!!!

Oh, I've so been there. SAME situation. I was the big law associate, and it was my parents. Went on for years. Partially the position my parents found themselves in was bad luck, partially it was bad (very bad) financial decisions on their part.

They declared bankruptcy just after I finished college (you can imagine my financial situation in college - financial aid was stingy and I ended up wracking up tens of thousands of CC debt for necessities like food and books). I had just started law school and was dependent on financial aid for my living expenses when my dad asked for a loan so that he could travel to job interviews (he was unemployed). I loaned him my financial aid money and shocker! he did not pay it back, leaving me in a serious bind for that semester (thank goodness for the extremely kind financial aid lady who took pity on me and gave me an extra loan out of a exceptional-circumstances-FA slush fund). I did really well at law school and as soon as I landed a 2L summer associate position, my parents decided that I owed them for the car they gave me when I was 17 (which was an old/used car then and this was 7 years later) and that the purchase price was $5K. I paid it. My brother was in a bind when he graduated college - didn't have the $ for moving expenses and my parents didn't either - so I paid that. I didn't mind being generous about paying for dinners out and things like that - but it did start to bother me when it became an expectation (like, of course we will be going out to dinner, and of course I would be paying). When I got married, we paid for the wedding out of my savings (really my savings - DH bless his heart did not bring a lot of cash to the marriage) which was fine, but it did bother me that my parents demanded that I invite several of their (not my) friends (including people I did not even know). I can't really explain why I caved in all the time and just did as told but I did.

My parents continued to make really stupid financial decisions and at some point I turned a corner from passively accepting that it was my "role" to pay when asked. They would be really short of cash, and do stupid things like insist on "needing" two cars (when my father was not working anymore). At one point, they needed cash for moving expenses. DH and I discussed it, and decided that was it. We'd pay the $6K in moving expenses and explain that we were not doing this anymore. Then about a year or so later, I get a call from my parents, asking can I send them the money for them to travel to attend a cousin's wedding & for the wedding present too. I said no. My father said that then my mother would have to postpone her knee replacement surgery for another year, because they didn't have the money to attend the wedding & have the surgery. It was really hard but I held my ground. My parents were furious with me, but they have not asked for money again.

My mother just retired, and so now my parents will be living on social security. I'm sure that it's only a matter of time when they will be in money trouble. Amazingly, they managed to pull themselves together somewhat in the past couple of years, and were able to buy a house in 2010. They just refinanced, so have 30 yrs on their mortgage (they are 70 years old). It was a cheap house, and they have a low fixed rate mortgage, but I'm afraid for the inevitable home repairs and medical bills that are not covered. Not to mention what happens when they can't live on their own like that anymore. My brother is not particularly financially responsible (he has never contributed to them) so I can't count on any help from him.

It would be one thing if I were just wallowing in a sea of money, but that's not exactly the case. DH and I make a really good, solid income. We live in a pretty modest and small home with one bathroom upstairs for the 4 of us and a tiny galley kitchen. I'd rather deal with the small house, and save money. Our kids won't be eligible for FA, so I want to save to make sure they don't find themselves the way my brother and I did coming out of college. I also want to make sure that DH and I save for retirement and don't put this kind of burden on our kids. That's what fortifies me in standing up to them.

I'm sure I will be contributing to them in the future, but as a PP said, it does give you the right to place some conditions. I'm not going to blindly pay for their stupid financial decisions any more. Stand your ground OP!