Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?

[Anonymous]

Another adult adoptee who hates the idea that adopted kids have emotional issues. I went to a therapist as a teenager after being in an abusive relationship. My therapist kept trying to insist my issues were because i was adopted. I calmly stood up and said "no,I've told you several times my ex was emotionally abusive on a daily basis and sexually assaulted me several times. Can you please let me know who i should speak to about this because clearly you are not listening to a word i say" I've never seen someone stumbe and try to recover so quickly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another adult adoptee who hates the idea that adopted kids have emotional issues. I went to a therapist as a teenager after being in an abusive relationship. My therapist kept trying to insist my issues were because i was adopted. I calmly stood up and said "no,I've told you several times my ex was emotionally abusive on a daily basis and sexually assaulted me several times. Can you please let me know who i should speak to about this because clearly you are not listening to a word i say" I've never seen someone stumbe and try to recover so quickly

This is a really good point. Anything minor is blamed on adoption. Its sad as some parents take that belief and treat the kids that way. My kids are my kids regardless of how they joined our family. Its an easy scapegoat for many.

[Anonymous]

My kids are my kids regardless of how they joined our family.

YES!

[Anonymous]

Op is not considering letting her kid have a "reunion" with birth parents. Op has not even adopted, and is worried about a future adopted child finding its birth family. This imaginary child would then abandon her.

[Anonymous]

Foster parent here - if you adopt from foster care, the kids will likely remember their parents. They have mandated visitation with their parents until the day you officially adopt them. For us, we're constantly talking about mommy and daddy and why she's not living with them (we only bring it up when she brings it up). So - if we adopt her, it's just likely that we'll have talked about bio parents her whole childhood. She'll continue to write them letters and maybe see one parent once a year or so, but it won't be as if it's a total shock to find her parents one day.

Also - regardless of how you adopt (private, foster care, etc) - the bio parents are a part of your family forever. Whether they are seen or unseen, they are a presence. You have to get comfortable with that from the get go. But there is lots of support out there. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. I realize my question would have been better phrased as, "What do adult adopted people think about those birth parent reunion stories? With no mention of the adoptive parents?" But thank you for all knowing what I meant, anyway! Agree that children/adult adoptees should not be referred to as "adopted" in news stories that aren't relevant to adoption. Very old-fashioned, and disrespectful of the family.

[Anonymous]

OP again--- meant to add that I agree that attributing a person's issues with their adoptive status is inaccurate and unkind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:50!

I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. All my life, I grew up thinking that there was no information about my birth parents; my adoptive parents had been told so and they had no reason to otherwise doubt the agency. (Btw, I hate using "adoptive parents"- my adoptive parents ARE my parents, but in this context, it's easier to keep differentiate.) I never had a burning desire to find my birth parents, which was more complicated due to the fact that it was an international adoption, but once I started the adoption process for my own child using the same agency, I realized that I should try to search b/c the agency said they still had my file.

My own search hasn't been successful, so I must admit I don't know what it would be like should I ever find my bparents. I do know that my parents were married and very poor, and they had 3 sons already. I am a twin, and we were adopted by the same family. Our bfather is dead and no one knows where our bmom and 2 brothers are. One brother moved abroad. A lot of questions were answered, though, even if I'll never meet them. I will say that never once did I consider that my aparents were any less than my real parents.

On the other hand, as an adoptive parent myself, I do admit that I wonder how my child will feel should she ever meet her bparents. I hope she would want to search and I will be there for her every step as she uncovers difficult details about why she was placed for adoption. I will say that in the culture we were adopted from, it is very unlikely that her bparents would want a close relationship with her, so there's also that to contend with.

Good luck, OP!

I just want to say that it made me very happy to read that you and your twin were adopted together. The story of the two local sisters who found each other at a track meet after both being adopted through foster care is fresh and that detail in your post really struck me.

[Anonymous]

Of course you count. You always will count.

Looking for biological parents is completely typical. Kids look to know where they come from and what their background is. That involves learning about both adoptive and biological families and curiosity about their biological family shouldn't be repressed.

[Anonymous]

Adoptive Mom's thoughts: I wouldn't let my daughter hang out with a druggie/alcoholic/ex-convict/liar while parenting her. So now that she is 18 she is reuniting with the biological mom whom she hasn't seen for 8 years. This other mom never parented my daughter or the 3 other siblings. This other mom did not protect or provide for her children (I adopted 2 of them).

So why should I be happy for my daughter? Because they have the same laugh? look similar? remember walking in the woods?

[Anonymous]

12:43---I'm another adoptive mom and I understand your perspective. Here's my guess----at 18, your DD is still very much in the process of figuring out who she is----and reuniting with birth mom is part of that journey. She will figure out the downsides to birthmom for herself-- which will probably give her a more mature perspective regarding your parenting. Also---did you adopt her as an older child? If so, then she may have some attachment issues that have led her to fantasize about birthmom in an even more unrealistic way---so that more than ever she will need you to be there for her when the illusions of the "perfect mother" are shattered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive Mom's thoughts: I wouldn't let my daughter hang out with a druggie/alcoholic/ex-convict/liar while parenting her. So now that she is 18 she is reuniting with the biological mom whom she hasn't seen for 8 years. This other mom never parented my daughter or the 3 other siblings. This other mom did not protect or provide for her children (I adopted 2 of them).

So why should I be happy for my daughter? Because they have the same laugh? look similar? remember walking in the woods?

Wow, you are pretty nasty.

[Anonymous]

That's overly harsh. 12:43 probably deals every day with the fallout from birthmom's neglect and abandonment---the damage that is done to a child's self esteem, ability to trust, etc. by a birthmom who falls down on the job and has her children removed from her care (as opposed to a birthmom who makes a conscious decision to try to find a loving adoptive family for a child she is unable to parent) is huge. I would imagine 12:43 is worried that her child will suffer further emotional damage from a reunion with unstable birthmom.

[Anonymous]

Adult adoptee, closed adoption. My adoptive parents are my parents. Period. My mom is the woman who comforted my when I cried, fed me, took care of me when I was sick, disciplined me when I misbehaved, etc. Finding my birthmother might provide some interesting information and perhaps even explain where some of my physical or personality traits come from, but it's not going to fundamentally change my relationship with my parents. I agree with the PP who said that it's natural that adoptees might fantasize about their birthparents, just as non-adopted kids might fantasize that they are secretly someone else's kid (I'm really a prince/princess/wizard and my real parents are going to find me and take me away and shower me with gifts and my life will be perfect) because fantasy is always easier than real life.

I agree that the media present these "reunion" stories very poorly. There are lots of reasons that an adopted person might want to seek out their birthparents, and most of them aren't because the adoptee wants to replace their adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a note from another adult adoptee (but from a closed adoption) that it's completely natural and expected that an adopted child will fantasize about life with her/his birth parents. And it will ALWAYS be rosier than life with their family. Fantasies always are, right?
My parents were so open and nurturing and helped me start the process of looking for my birth mother as an adult. But at the end of the day, my mom was the one kissing boo boos and disciplining me when I didn't know I needed it and staying up late to make sure homework was done and crying happy tears when I went away to college... oh, and my dad too I suppose
Kids recognize good parenting, mostly in retrospect, whether that parent become one via conception or adoption.

My brother is adopted, it was a closed adoption. But a few years ago he searched and located his birth parents without any of us knowing. He was devastated at the results. He had always thought he was the product of high school sweethearts and that he was given up by a teen mom, turned out his biological parents were married, in their thirties, already had kids, his father was in prison, so his mom decided (with the dad's consent) to put him up for adoption. Apparently they are still together, and were not interested in him today.