Reply to 4 year old DD obsessed with being beautiful

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[quote=Anonymous]Even though several here have said their DDs are now older and still in the same phase of over-focusing on "beauty", I get the impression most here still don't think there's anything to be done at 4 about this.  I really and strongly feel like it's CRUCIAL to find ways to address this.

Our DD is now 5, but she's just like others mentioned here, gets comments all the time about how beautiful she is (especially her eyes, comments literally daily about her eyes and her looks).  We figured out from people's reactions when she was a baby that we needed to watch this.  Sure enough, even though we've tried to NOT focus on it as parents and to emphasize other strengths of hers (like how hard she works, how kind she is (usually), how strong she is, etc), a couple of months ago she was not paying attention in PreK and not following the teacher's rules.  The teacher asked her if she thought she was special and the rules didn't apply to her, and she said "Yes".  When asked why, she said "Becuase I'm pretty".  I swear, she'd NEVER said anything like that to us or tried to get out of something and used "pretty" as an excuse.  We were really bothered by this and had a real talk with her about it.

For us the biggest 2 ways we've counteracted this whole focus on beauty and pretty and hair etc is 1) by having direct conversations with her that beauty is something a lot of people talk about and want, but it's one of the least important things and does not bring happiness.  Because it doesn't!  And 2) she started judo when she was 3 but is really coming into her own in it now.  She can throw boys bigger than her, she may cry sometimes but she keeps working hard when she's on the mat, and she gets a LOT of praise and shows a lot of pride for her performance in judo these days.  It also helped her stay focused on things even when it's not her turn, which she was challenged at.

Society today is putting a premium on girls looks as babies now, it's almost impossible to escape if you live in a big city or access media at all.  I feel like it really is a battle to keep our DD and any future kids focused on the quality of their friendships, praise the great things they do that have nothing to do wiht looks, and frankly we dismiss it when she wants to wear a dress and it's too cold for a dress or pretty shoes.  And on days when she's going to the playground, no dresses, no pretty shoes, because we're going to play which is more fun and more important.  She huffs a little, but once we're on the playground, she's all over playing and doesn't seem to think about it again until we're home and she wants to play dress up.  Which we let her.

OP, I would not be as relaxed as many others have suggested about your daughter's phase.  To not do things at 4 and 5 because you don't want to mess up your hair?  I think you should find playdates ASAP with girls who like gymnastics or running and playing tag or gardening or whatever will maybe pique your DD's interest and take her away from her looks into something physical and maybe even messy.  Also, how much princess stuff does she read/see/watch?  I would cut Waaaaay back on the princess stuff.  And heaven forbid she watches Bratz or Monster High or any of these other cartoons with skinny girls, giant heads, tons of make up and too much clique behavior.  That feeds this too.

Good luck OP, I really hope you engage your DD in more conversations about values.  Some here may think this is extreme, but heck, I'd show her some photos of really old people and talk to her about how beauty goes away at some point, and what's really important is the friends and family and life you have, not how you look or what you're wearing.  And that sometimes very pretty people do really mean or bad things.  These are all conversations we've had with our DD and we think they've helped a lot.

Our DDs have their whole lives to bask in the glow of people thinking they're gorgeous.  For me, I really want my DD to root her identity in what she believes in, what she can achieve, her hard work, and her good and kind deeds.  If she goes on to value those more (or at least as much!) as the attention to her looks, I will feel like we've done a good job.  But I've had too many gorgeous friends from childhood end up screwed in the head for me to relax when this starts rearing its head.  Good luck![/quote]

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