Suicidal sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I live 6 hours away. I could have done more. I did not. I will regret it forever.

Oh, honey. Please let go of your regret. Two of my brothers committed suicide (at different times) about 20 years ago. You can't be there for every single crisis and when they're like your brother, there's always another crisis. Mental illness like your brother's - like my brothers - get stronger the longer it's untreated. Medication is the only answer for some and your brother made a conscious decision NOT to take medication. That's his fault, not yours. You could not control him. You might have done more but it would never, never have been enough.

15:40 here, thank you. I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine having to face this two times over.

It's ironic, your comment about "there's always anther crisis" - I had braced myself for a lifetime of "there's always another crisis" with my brother back when he took himself off meds in his 20's...I figured I was in for a string of one hospitalization after another with unemployment and erratic behavior in between. But when I look back on his life, I realize how lucky we were that his illness did not progress in this typical trajectory. He had a good life for many years. Although I definitely recognized when he'd fall into depressions or mild hypomania occasionally (depression being common in our family) he was spared, truly spared, the life of instability that I thought he doomed himself to by trying to live without meds. It's almost as if he had a kind of brain cancer that was acute and life-threatening at 22, then went largely into remission, and then flared back up with a vengeance, killing him in just a few months at 38.

The randomness of his death that morning still haunts me -- (What if I had sent him a good morning text? What if I had called him earlier? What if someone had rung the doorbell? What if the baby had woken up and he had to tend to him for long enough for the impulse to pass? What if, what if?)--- but as you say, even if I had stopped it unknowingly that morning, it could have happened another day, given his mixed manic state. It's a comfort to know he didn't plan it, to be honest. I just wish I had done more to try to force a hospitalization, since medication (even if only for a few months) stabilized him so successfully 16 years earlier.

One thing I disagree with you on, though, is that it is his fault that he refused medication in the end. I don't blame him for that; I blame his illness, which was not his fault. If he could have absorbed the rational thought that his brain would tell him to kill himself if he didn't take medication, I have no doubt that he would have chosen to save his own life. But I know I didn't realize his life was in danger, and I don't believe he knew it was in danger, either.

It sucks that the brain is as fragile as any other organ, since we depend on it to help us make decisions, and when it goes haywire, we can't count on it. Given that my brother had a gun in the house, I find myself feeling grateful that his brain's dysfunction did not extend to the idea of hurting anyone else with it at the same time as he had the impulse to hurt himself.

[Anonymous]

I come at this from two angles: Nearly 20 years ago, I suffered from severe depression and I attempted suicide. I am well now, have been for many years, though I still take meds to stay well.

My brother is mentally ill and has personality disorders and psychotic episodes. I think he may be undiagnosed schizophrenic. He was committed to the psych ward for the first time about 10 days ago and is still there. He has refused all help for about 13 years, since he started showing signs of illness.

OP, I know you hurt for your brother and absolutely, you should do everything you can to help him, as much as he will let you. However, I can also tell you from having been there myself, that when someone is determined to kill themselves, there is nothing you can do. I hid my illness and withdrew from others because I was determined to die.

From my brother's experience, I've also learned the sad fact that our mental health laws make it extremely difficult to force a family member to get help if they don't want it. The bar is ridiculously high and you can literally watch a family member deteriorate before your eyes and if they aren't deemed a danger to themselves or others, then you are out of luck. That's a tragedy in itself. My brother was committed, and we're convinced that was a miracle. The psychologist who examined him, for all of 15 minutes, was recommending he be let go, despite the fact that he nearly assaulted my mom two days before. He didn't think the near-assault rose to the level of "danger to others." The attorney at the hearing, representing my parents petition for commitment, told them that our case was the FIRST time, in all her years, that she had seen the judge overrule the recommendation of the psychologist-evaluator. Yikes.

I say all this because I sense a huge tone of guilt in your voice. You can't allow yourself to take on a load of guilt for a brother who won't accept help and a system that won't help him. You have to come to peace somehow that your efforts are enough and if tragedy happens, you did what you could do at the time. Otherwise you will be forever haunted. Don't let that happen. You have a life to live too. Best of luck, and I hope he gets help.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with a suicidal sibling as well, though I am really the only family member they have (our parents passed away a couple years ago, and my sibling was really dependent upon them -- probably co-dependent now that I look at things as a wiser adult). My sibling is early 30s, but in many ways lives and acts like a child because of the illness and probably some of how our parents handled the illness (smoothing out life's bumps, flying in to the rescue ala helicopter parents well into 20s, etc)

My sibling lives many states away; has been able to work for almost a year and actually is fairly academically accomplished. But they need help, and I have my own responsibilities to deal with and can't be there for every crisis. I also know if they lived closer, it wouldn't really help, as parents we know that our lives are already stretched thin and this kind of mental illness takes a team effort.

But I have no team, so what can I do other than try to get a good psychiatrist/psychologist in the loop?

Mental illness is major depression, though from symptoms and some discussion with some therapist, borderline personality disorder is a real possibility.

Two attempts at suicide already, and worry that they will continue to be a risk to themselves or others -- rational behavior seems variable, and there is a lot of anger and frustration over the progression of the illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with a suicidal sibling as well, though I am really the only family member they have (our parents passed away a couple years ago, and my sibling was really dependent upon them -- probably co-dependent now that I look at things as a wiser adult). My sibling is early 30s, but in many ways lives and acts like a child because of the illness and probably some of how our parents handled the illness (smoothing out life's bumps, flying in to the rescue ala helicopter parents well into 20s, etc)

My sibling lives many states away; has been able to work for almost a year and actually is fairly academically accomplished. But they need help, and I have my own responsibilities to deal with and can't be there for every crisis. I also know if they lived closer, it wouldn't really help, as parents we know that our lives are already stretched thin and this kind of mental illness takes a team effort.

But I have no team, so what can I do other than try to get a good psychiatrist/psychologist in the loop?

Mental illness is major depression, though from symptoms and some discussion with some therapist, borderline personality disorder is a real possibility.

Two attempts at suicide already, and worry that they will continue to be a risk to themselves or others -- rational behavior seems variable, and there is a lot of anger and frustration over the progression of the illness.

PP 11:15 here. Make that 3rd suicide attempt. Immediate danger has passed. Current crisis stems from the fact she is losing her current job and can't find a job in her field. She has a solid offer for a job with a place she worked back home but not in what she wants to do. But her only option so far after Year of looking.


With mentally ill siblings, what is your expectation for them to work or support themselves? We can't afford to support her and there is no other family. My hope is she can get SS disability but I fear that if a non ideal job upsets her to suicide would disability be as upsetting?